Author: Queen Pea👸🏻

Just your average fifty year old, wife and mother of three, trying to figure out life, and all that other good stuff before the inevitable end. I'm young at heart and wildly immature (it keeps me young). I'm well educated in life and I'm hoping this helps others, even if only to make them smile.
One +One=Three

One +One=Three

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

A Man Has Two Women. He Lies To One, The Other One He Is Completely Honest With. Which One Does He Love? The answer is simple. Neither.

The same can be said for women. Nothing is more sillier to me (IMO) than a woman that 1. thinks her husband loves her more because he comes home every night after a hard day of cheating or 2. the woman that thinks he loves her more because he chooses to break his vows to be with her. There are zero winners here. Not even the man.

I’ve had the unfortunate luck of being one of these women. Can you guess which one? If you said the (for lack of a better word) side piece you are correct. It’s not something I am proud of, but it also wasn’t the worst demoralizing moments of my life. I was a grownup and made a grown up decision to enter that type of relationship willing. I’m neither proud nor ashamed.

I can tell you, I’ve had many panic attacks when my phone would ring during odd hours of the night from a private caller wondering if it would be his wife calling to give me a piece of her mind. It never was. As a good side piece, I never lost my place or stepped out of my lane. I knew my place was in the bed of a sometimes quaint hotel and nothing more existed outside of those walls. Also, I wasn’t foolish enough to think if his marriage imploded because me that he would suddenly realize that I was the one he should have chosen from the beginning. My life is not a Rom-Com.

So I thought about what dumb thing I would say if she ever did call me, and yeah they would all be pretty dumb. Hurtful actually, because that was my mindset at the time. I did my best to hide in the shadows, if he was carless it was because he wanted to be caught. And that is your argument with him.

These are imaginary conversations to me, but I’m sure women and men all over the world are having them right now. So here goes, please keep in mind these have no basis on my current life.

The Wife

So this is the woman that my husband can’t seem to stay from. Aren’t you tired of being lonely? Yes, he might steal moments away from his family to play with you but that’s exactly what you are, a toy. He will never give you any real significant time, not on the days that count, like holidays. Those days are reserved for the people he loves, his family.

Do you enjoy stalking my social media? I keep just enough of it public for you, to remind you of your place. I’m the one he’s building a future with, the one he goes on vacation with, the one he goes to sleep beside and the first person he sees in the morning.

What do you have? Text messages of broken promises and probably pictures you can never share. I know he’s probably dumb enough to take pictures with you to give you a false sense of security and I’m sure he has threatened you that if you expose them it’s over. Please. Post them. And he will be all yours. Give me my freedom.

The Other woman

If you’re so smart, then why are you still with him. He obviously doesn’t love you since he still comes to me. He tells me all about you. You don’t cook, you don’t clean and it goes with out saying, you suck in bed. All those things he likes in bed…yeah I do them. Does he love me? No. But he doesn’t love you either. Stolen moments? Yeah they are, but at least when he’s with me, I know he isn’t with you. He doesn’t take your calls or answer your messages and feeds you lame stories that you buy.

I might not get to go away on fancy vacations or spend holiday’s with him but he tells me that he wishes it was me that was with him and that’s enough for me. I’m not so dumb to believe that if I were in your shoes he would be different. I’d rather be in my place, his side bitch the one he comes to when he needs to talk without being criticized, the one he comes to when the stress of his life with YOU becomes to much for him to bear.

When he’s not with me, I know he’s with you. When he’s not with you, he could be with anyone else and that must keep you up at night. Now you tell me which position is worse? I’d rather be me and continue to have a life than be you, a woman that settled because you think he will change. He won’t. If its not me, there will always be someone else.

The Truth

This man loves neither woman, I don’t think he even has the capacity to love himself. The reality is men and women cheat because they can. They will use every excuse under the sun to justify it but you can be the perfect spouse and still get cheated on. It takes a certain level of maturity and honesty to be in a relationship which some people have not yet reached.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. If your wife hasn’t cooked, maybe find out why and instead of cheating help them with the reasons. If your husband doesn’t seem to be paying attention to you, ask him if he’s okay and help him solve the issues that are weighing him down.

I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheating. I was honest with my ex-husband when I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, but the years leading up to it is where the real communication should have began. I should have told him what made me unhappy and when I was sad and why. But I chose to reman silent until there was no other option.

Do I regret it? No. But do I regret the extra years wasted hoping everything would turn around like magic. But there is nothing magical about marriage, it’s hard work, commitment, honesty, faithfulness understanding and most importantly respect. Without mutual respect for each other you have nothing except two people playing house just waiting for the next best thing to come along.

Be good to one another. Be faithful . And if you find you can be neither, be honest and let them go.

Am I worried my husband will cheat? Of course I am, not because I’m not a good woman, not because he is a bad man. Sometimes Karma comes wrapped in everything you ever wanted in a person to teach you a lesson. And sometimes Karma is the prison you created from your past.

First Christmas🎄

First Christmas🎄

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

This year was the first Christmas without mom. It was weird, empty yet festive because we carried on as best we could as I know she would have wanted us to. Mom didn’t have a charmed life. There was no knight in shinning armor only a drummer with a dream. But boy did she love to be celebrate surrounded by her family.

I was always very thankful that I had the kind of mother who was able to share her children’s affections for other’s. I’ve had my fair share of encounters with mother in laws that ruled their sons time and I missed out on many family occasions due to it. But my mother never batted an eye or had an unkind word when I told her I couldn’t attend (at least to me). She was a saint, but I wished she would have fought a little harder.

Now there’s no more arguments about family functions because I’m married to someone who actually wants to spend the holidays with my family. It’s bitter sweet to say the least. I just wish mom was here to enjoy it with us, but I know she is smiling down on us from Heaven.

This was also the first Christmas we spent as husband & wife. Earlier in the year we began making plans to have the big reception that I dreamed of but Covid stole that from me as well. The night did not go unnoticed, my husband sang in front of our family our wedding song, and that was amazing.

What did I give myself? This year I am giving myself the gift of peace and letting go.

Merry Christmas to everyone, hope that everything you hoped for was under the tree and given from the heart.

A love letter to myself

A love letter to myself

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Dear Jai,

I know you have been having a really hard time lately, I mean with everything that has been going on over the course of the last few months who wouldn’t. But I just wanted you to know that you are going to be okay. How do I know this? Because I have been watching you your whole life, you are smart, strong, beautiful on both the inside and out and have been the light at the end of a dark path for many.

Do you remember when you were 17 and were sexually assaulted…how you wanted to die and thought you were unworthy of love and that you would never find someone that could love you the way you deserved? I watched you crawl out of that dark abyss stronger than ever. And although your 2 attempts at marriages with men that could not handle your essence failed, you still brought three beautiful children into this world.

Or how about the time time you were about 10 and you and your little brother P, were at a Easter school function. You were chosen to receive a coloring book and a chocolate bunny and your brother received nothing. The guilt you felt is natural and it might still make you uncomfortably sad to think about it but it has taught you something. Do you remember how good it felt to share your wins with him, and that’s what makes YOU…you.

It also taught you that unfortunately that the world does revolve around beauty and that life might have been easier for you because you are beautiful. Yes, things were always handed to you, but you always did the right thing.

Passing on promotions, because you didn’t feel they were genuine. Wanting to be recognized for your hard work and merit and not your looks. Even though it may have taken you longer to get to where you are, you should be proud of yourself. I know I’m proud of you.

Always willing to give all of yourself even if it means hurting yourself, and while it is a beautiful quality it can be a painful lesson as well. You have lived long enough to know that what you give will not always be what you get in return.

This world doesn’t see many people like you and honestly I don’t think it knows how to welcome someone with your heart. So please be kind to yourself, learn to say no, welcome the good and wish the bad well. Remember a bad moment or a bad day does not mean you have a bad life.

You are stronger than you realize, even on the days you struggle to make sense of your life. I know you envision a future…things you feel are not within your grasp. You will find a way. Finish school, YOU CAN DO IT! Start your own business, YOU CAN DO IT! Adopt a baby, YOU CAN DO IT!

You always have, you are looked up to by so many young women that have watched you rebuild your life and when you feel like giving up remember, they are watching and learning and gaining their strength from you.

Have faith in yourself, when you feel down gain faith from those in your circle and support system. You are never alone. I’m with you, always.

Your husband, family and friends. Pulling for you, cheering you on. Although, I know you sometimes would rather not share your feelings, just know that you can. When you’re ready. They will listen.

Take care of yourself sweetness and remember come what may, you can achieve anything and the future is yours.

Love Always,

You

This was very therapeutic and I think everyone should write a love letter to themselves.

What would yours say?

The Bird’s 🐦 & The Bee’s🐝

The Bird’s 🐦 & The Bee’s🐝

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

As old as time, parent’s have been having this conversation with their children. It can be difficult and uncomfortable but it’s a highly necessary conversation.

It’s not as easy as the “Don’t do drugs” conversation, obviously drugs are bad and easier to explain why they should never be done. But sex is an entirely different story. It must be handled delicately without making our children feel shameful of their bodies or the feelings that are sure to confuse the hell out of them until they are a bit more mature.

Sex between consenting adults is a beautiful thing. Not only does it feel good but there are also many health benefits involved. A healthy sex life can improve self esteem, decrease depression and anxiety. It can also lower your risk of heart disease, boost your immune system and help you sleep at night. But children don’t care about this.

According to Teen Vogue the average age an American teenager loses their virginity is 17 for women and 16 for men. I know from experience the ages are much younger. I was only 14, my friends around the same age give or take a year. And while my relationship with my mother was a honest and open one there is so much she did not teach me, and for that reason I hope to be able to reach others.

So now that we have gotten past the hard part, they have come to you for help and as hard as you tried you cannot talk them out of it. Teenagers can never for a minute imagine that us, as parents were once young and in their position, but I assure you we were not always old people trying to ruin your fun.

As a mother of both girls and a boy, I will address how I as a parent have advised my own children.

First and foremost, NO means NO. Never do something you are uncomfortable with. That goes for both young men and young women.

Next, you have to take responsibility for your own sexual health and well being. Young ladies, the pill or other types of contraceptives are 99% effective when taken correctly, but I don’t know many teenagers that are diligent when it comes to taking medications everyday at the same time for an indefinite period. So make sure you do your research and learn about your different options.

Condoms, I would advise my children to carry their own. Female contraception only prevents pregnancy, and there are much worse things that can occur from carelessness. I have heard of many stories from both females and males about poking holes in the condoms in order to get pregnant to trap the other. If this is even a thought in your head, do you really want to become intimate with someone you can’t even trust???

But aside from pregnancy, consider STDS. While modern medicine has made great strides in finding a cure for AIDS, there is no cure. Not to mention other STDS that can affect your ability to have children in the future. Nothing works like abstinence, but if you must wrap it up.

But what if the condom breaks? Well, there is an option available today that was not in the old days and that’s emergency contraception. This option should never be used lightly and only in as the box says…an emergency. Remain abstinent for 3 weeks and see your doctor to run test for STDS.

I would say before you even begin an intimate relationship both partners should be tested, but most teenagers aren’t thinking that far ahead.

Aside from the physical aspects of sex, you have to think about the emotional as well. Sex takes a certain level of maturity that even some adults don’t possess. It should never be used as a weapon or as a measure of how much you love someone.

Parent’s talk to your children, and if you’re a teen that happens to be reading this, talk to your parents or another trusted adult. I know that there may be a few people that may not agree with me and I welcome any and all comments and feedback.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Ticking Time Bomb

Ticking Time Bomb

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Disclaimer: To my male readers, sorry it might get icky 🔴

My biological clock is ticking…actually I think the batteries have died and my clock is permanently broken. It’s been 57 days since I last had a period (using my lady from Titanic voice), which makes it about 25 days late .

I thought I saw some…lets call it movement about 20 days ago but nothing since. Everyday is a struggle because 🗣 I WANT TO WEAR MY WHITE PANTS WITHOUT FEAR OF A SNEAK ATTACK! So I just wear them all willy nilly praying “please don’t come today”.

From my waist down every bone and muscle hurts. If you ever had a period you know what I’m talking about, that painful knee throb that hurts when you walk, sit or stand.

The splintering throb in your pants that reminds you that you are walking around with a swollen vagina that feels like bamboo shoots have been shoved up there. At least that’s what I imagine having bamboo shoots shoved up your vagina would feel like.

Not to mention all the belly aches and headaches and the tender breastses that hurt when air hits them. The funny thing is, is that if I were just a little younger (okay a lot younger) these could all be mistaken for the symptoms of pregnancy, but I’m not and refuse to pee on a stick and give myself two minutes of hope.

Emotionally and physically I am a ticking time bomb. Now I’m not making excuses for snapping at my husband (8% of the time he probably deserves it lol) but I am saying that I’m extremely on edge these days.

Also, my sex drive is completely through the roof, so much so that I constantly want my husband to bang me like a screen door during a hurricane (did I just say that out loud?). I’m not a animal, I just want my husband to give me sex and rub my feet, belly and back at 30 minute intervals.

But back to my ticking time bomb. The ticks are so loud sometimes they are deafening which puts me in a angry at the world mood. Being someone’s mother was the only thing I was ever good at and the only thing I ever wanted to be.

🔴Update: It’s here, and boy is it bad.

Buy The Flowers

Buy The Flowers

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Yesterday while I was out shopping I tried to find some more artificial purple roses for my mom. I usually buy them when I see them and then instead of giving them to her myself, I just give then to my dad so that he may gently arrange them on her grave.

I don’t ever recall him bringing her flowers so I’m pretty sure she is watching from Heaven pretty amused and if I’m being quite honest, I don’t think I did either. I never even really paid attention to the color purple. Now when I see a Purple rose/flower I HAVE to buy it…for dad of course.

What is it about death that deserves flowers? How come we don’t fill our loved ones arms with flowers while they are alive to enjoy them? Miss Anne Frank has answered this best.

 ‘Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.’

~Anne Frank

Last night I asked H for some fresh flowers for my new vase, I wasn’t fishing but it did remind me of an argument we had a couple of weeks ago right after I bought the vase.

I asked him for fresh flowers to fill it, a few days went by and it still remained empty. So without thinking I bought myself a bouquet of artificial white roses. I didn’t mean it as a sign of impatience with him I just hated seeing the vase empty. And fresh flowers can be expensive, so I just wanted the artificial roses on hand for times we can’t afford them.

I can hear him now…”Babe, I will always be able to afford to buy you flowers!” He absolutely hates when I talk about money or rather when I don’t talk about money. He hates that I don’t ask for financial help until I’m on my last quarter. I hate that I asked for flowers.

Not because I don’t think I deserve them, not because I don’t think he will get them but because given the current climate, it seems like such a trivial thing to ask for. But what if mom would have asked for purple roses…would I have run out to buy them as I do now? I don’t think so. Because flowers are for the dead and regret is stronger than gratitude and I always learn the lesson after it’s been taught.

Buy the flowers, don’t wait for special occasions to wear that special dress, don’t wait to learn the meaning of regret. Practice gratitude so that when the time comes you will have no regrets. Live, Love, and live and love some more.

This was short but I hope sweet.

Jai

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I woke up today and for that I want to say thank you. My life has been a complete mess lately and I know I have began to lose sight of all the little things we take for granted. Like waking up, like having a soft pillow to lay my head on and everything in between.

I’ve even taken Monday’s for granted, not everyone will be blessed to make it to next Monday. So for all of us that have made it to this one…cheers to you and I. Life is too short, repeat after me…LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

It’s become sort of a mantra lately, whenever I become upset with a person or a situation or anything actually, I quietly remind myself that life is too short to be unhappy and I have the power to change it. Being unhappy is a choice not a given, so why choose it.

I started to draft this two Monday’s ago but was unable to complete it due to events that happened when I got home.

Two weeks ago, my dad decided he wanted to end it all, fortunately his attempt was unsuccessful. But it really got me thinking how suicide is truly a selfish act. It leaves behind your loved ones wondering if there was anything they could do to stop you. And the honest truth is for someone that truly wants to end their life there is nothing that will stop them, only they can stop themselves. I know, I have been in that position more than once in my life.

It isn’t fair to to the family, we all have lives too. Some of us live there, some are near and some are across the country. We are not trained professionals, we should not be held accountable for someone else’s actions, and no one should aim to blame anyone if he did manage to do it. I know this coming from the other side of the pill bottle. I was a selfish teen/young woman and while my reasons may have seemed valid, they were most definitely NOT.

I…am still after all these years seeking my father’s approval. Which is why I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Every time I have to speak with him regarding his behavior, the loud music, the outbursts (wait, who is the parent here?) it just gets worse for me.

Yeah, the tantrum only lasts for a few hours , maybe a day but it’s added stress until the eventual tugging of the ear and the “I’m sorry honey” which signals that he is no longer angry with me, which brings relief because all I ever wanted was to be genuinely loved.

Childhood, it most certainly leaves it’s mark and molds us into the adults we become. Most day’s I’m very proud of the woman that stares back at me in the mirror, but lately I’m wondering who she is.

I spend an awful amount of time crying and feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people. Granted, I just lost my mother, my marriage feels like it’s falling apart right now and my dad is slowly losing his grip. It’s a wonder how I’m not self medicating with anything harder than wine and hard seltzer…oh yea, it’s because I can’t afford it.

My heart is in a constant state of panic. I feel things I cannot see and it is a constant tug of war between reality and intuition, between feeling alive and feeling dead inside, between wanting to know and not knowing.

I feel like the answers I need are staring right at me but I’m too afraid to really see them, because what happens if I receive the answers I’m dreading , what will I do then? Will I be strong enough to do what’s best for me? I always have💜. The problem is I’m broken right now, still trying to heal from my mother’s untimely death, still trying to figure out this marriage thing (just because it’s my third doesn’t mean I’m an expert) and still trying to adjust to the changes with life in general.

I will always be thankful, that’s how I was raised to be. Thankful for every part of my life up til this point. For every lesson, for every love, for every lie. Thankful for every stone thrown my way because I have stacked them so high and used them to reach things not meant for me, I’ve used them to build walls to protect myself and throw them back when necessary.

Thankful for all the people that stood by me and cheered me on and especially thankful for those who thought I’d never be anything but a pretty face. Jokes on you.

Thankful for H, it’s been a struggle so far but we haven’t given up on each other. Not that we both have not created some pretty serious waves but we’re still staying afloat (see babe, you can swim 🏊🏾‍♂️).

Thankful that once again we have reached another Monday. Cheers to you and I🥂.

What would mom do?

What would mom do?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyday I lay in the same spot you did wondering how many days and nights you stared up at the ceiling or out the window wishing your mother was here to guide you. I wish you were here.

I’m an emotional mess these days, but I don’t have to tell you that, you can see everything. I know you see periods of me forgetting to eat or softening my pain with alcohol. Taking sleeping pills that don’t work to fall into a sleep that never comes. Sleep I so desperately need to fill the gaps of loneliness and uncertainty that never seemed to close.

If you knew everything that you knew when you died…would you still have done it all the exact same way? I believe I would but with exceptions, I would not have stayed in such terrible relationships for as long as I did, accepting so little of what I deserved. Maybe I would have found love sooner and not have wasted what was the last of my precious childbearing years.

School, I would have definitely finished school and gotten my degree in social work. I probably still would not be living in a penthouse but I may be in a more comfortable financial situation than I am now. BTW, do you remember why I told you I wanted to live in a penthouse? It was because dad is afraid of heights and I could hide from him there. Look at me now.

I don’t mean to sound sad, but I am. My life is different now and I’m not sure I have the strength for anymore change. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and nothing, not any relationship, friendship nor any job on earth will top the the loss of my mother, not a one. And just because it is natural order, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Actually, the loss of one of my children would be worse and that is something I hope I never have to live through fore I would cut out my own beating heart just to give it to them.

How did you do it? Daily life, juggling everything that was important to you and everything that your family needed? Did you ever have a hard time asking for the things you needed? Did you ever want to run away? I did…I have and it was the hardest decision I made in my relationship with H.

I didn’t even really mean to run away, it all happened so fast that it actually felt like it was a dream, swiftly yet I moved in slow motion as my heart raced, wondering if I made the right decision. Was it worth it? I dunno, a lot could have transpired over the 48 hours we were apart and although I did not get the result I had hoped for I did get sometime to do some soul searching.

I felt brave and strong and yes scared. But there was an unbelievable calmness that came over me as I examined my life from all angles.

No couple is perfect, we’re no exception. I’m trying to find my voice and speak up for what I want before it becomes what I wanted. The problem with speaking up is what happens if I don’t receive the answers I hoped for?

I’m trying to not let my anxiety dictate my fears over facts but I feel like I’m losing my grasp. I’m incredibly broken right now.

Do I believe we’re soulmates? Yes, but somewhere along the way we got disconnected from each other. Can we get back to the place we once were? I’m hopeful.

The problem with relationships is that if you speak with your family and friends they form well meaning intentions and ill feelings towards your SO. Once the dust settles and you decide to work things out they seem to be less forgiving. So I’m suffering in silence.

I’ve been relying a lot on prayers and readings these days and I’m thisshy from seeking professional help. So please my dear sweet mother, who had a heart of gold and was the Queen of forgiveness, the woman who saw the goodness in everyone…what would you do?

*If any of my friends or family are reading this, we’re okay. Just trying to figure some things out and get back to the place we once were.

I’m Not Okay…

I’m Not Okay…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

And that’s okay. I’m allowed to not be okay right now.

Losing my mother has created a giant hole in my heart and some unanswered questions. This morning as I was getting ready for work and listening to the news I heard Mike woods (my local weather man) say that the first official day of summer is in a few days. That got me thinking.

My birthday was last week, June is sometimes blazing hot, sometimes springtime chilly. I started to wonder what the weather was like on the day of my birth, something I’ll probably never know, because this is the type of question only mother’s can answer.

I miss her, I miss her so much, even though I know it doesn’t show. I’ve become a master of hiding my feelings, sometimes so deep I forget they exist. Until one day when the seam is ripped open and they come spilling out like Tsunami’s destroy towns.

I miss her, and just want to know…”what was the weather like on the day I was born?”

I hope to get back to my regular routine soon. But please do not hesitate to send me any questions you may need advice on:

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Stay safe and be well

More time

More time

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Facebook has been reminding me that six years ago around this time we were celebrating Easter 🐣.

I looked through that album and not one picture with my mother. In all the photos she was either sitting in the background, talking to one of her grandkids or quietly sitting by herself 😔.

I’m trying really hard to remember this day and aside from the photos I don’t remember much. Only that it was probably like any other family function, where we all congregated in the kitchen getting drunk while my mother sat quietly in the corner, alone. My siblings always engaged her in conversation. I usually never did.

I didn’t mean to ignore her, I just thought I had more time. More time to take photos with her, more time to build memories, more time to show her I loved her.

It wasn’t until my husband entered my life that I began to see my parents more and for that I will always be grateful 💜. Grateful for the memories I might not have if it wasn’t for him.

I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid. I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. I wish that I was able to go back in time. I also wish I can remember this feeling of regret so that I don’t repeat my past mistake which is also my greatest regret.

I love you mom 💜 and I miss you.