Miss You Much 💔

April 15, 2021April 19, 2021 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

I thought that by writing this at work I could avoid the waterfall of tears that are sure to come. I was wrong. It has been a whole year since you left this earth and the pain of your departure has not lessened.

You have missed so much and yet it feels like time has stood still for all of us. I can still hear your footsteps and laughter in the apartment and see your beautiful smile every time I close my eyes.

The weather today is the perfect reflection of how I feel. It is pouring outside, a gray and stormy day, just like inside my heart and head. No comfort for me today, I have to be strong at work. Just like I know the many days you you went in but often cried in the bathroom.

I wish you were here mom and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what you would do if you were in my shoes. I still need advice I still need my mom. I know that I acted like I knew it all, I was just trying to be strong…I guess to prepare myself for the day you were no longer here. It didn’t work.

I know you watch over us though and that does bring me great comfort. I feel you in this room, the room you spent much of the last days of your life. The home where you brought the family together.

H and I are getting ready to embark on the next part of our journey, a place to call our very own. I just hope that I can take the memory of you with me. I know that you would be so happy for me. I just wish you were here to visit me.

They say that everything happens for a reason but I will never understand why you were taken so soon. God must have needed you for something big.

So for now, I’m going to wipe my tears and woman up and be strong like I know you would. Thank you mom for making me the woman I am today. Please don’t stop guiding me in the right direction. I may not always pick the path you would but the destination is always the same.

Sleep in peace my beautiful mother, rest easy knowing that we are all okay. Your beautiful new grand baby and all your future grands will know of you and the remarkable and incredible woman you were.

I love you and miss you much.

One Year Later

March 16, 2021March 19, 2021 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Can you believe it? It has been one year since all of our lives have been changed forever. Whether you’ve lost someone to Covid or not, you can’t tell me your life has not been changed in some way.

For some it may have been their favorite restaurant closing their doors or having to retake elementary courses in order to home school their children or having their freedom taken away when the executive order for a curfew was set in place.

Perhaps you had to wait on long lines to buy groceries or got into fist fights over toilet paper or had your income reduced because they reduced your hours at work…reducing your paitence with life.

For many it would be losing a loved one. We have all lost someone to Covid. Whether it was an immediate family member or old college roomate. It has touched everyone.

For me Covid would come in the form of one of life’s greatest losses a person can have, I lost my mother. I know that the death of a parent is supposed to be part of the natrual order of life but it was so sudden, without any warnings. One day we are planning her anniversary dinner at her favorite Chinese restaurant and the next we are saying our last goodbyes.

At first we were witnessing this nightmare happen to people on the other side of the world, here; she was being treated for a UTI and then she was just gone. How did this happen? It was so swift and unexpected and her death left alot of things unsaid. It left a deafening silence on my heart and a vulnerability I’m not used to.

2020 was like something out of a B scifi movie (B is for BAD), we had everything from a killer virus to murder hornets to riots and race wars and monstorus storms….oh my.

Being quarantined tested humanity, tested our patience and tested my marriage. But we all made it through.

The buses were free, which I was grateful for because an already scary subway system became even more so when the homeless took over. City streets once full of tourist life were now empty and it was eerily quiet. Now there is more activity in the streets but will it ever be the once thriving city it once was?

When it finally got warm and outdoor activities became available I spent a lot of time alone at the beach to reflect. Nothing like crying into your beer on the sand. Outdoor dining became an everywhere thing, not just swanky parts of Manhattan but even in lil ole Queens. It was great, finally a way to socialize and at least get out of the house and interact with other humans again.

But life for all of us as moved forward. The holiday’s came and went without a hitch. Obviously there was a big gap in our hearts because it was the first without mom but as a family we got through it together. Stronger I think.

For some, being quarrantined was creating a new life that will be born into the family with renewed hope and faith. Sadness takes over when I think about mom not being here to hold a new grandchild but I know she’s watching over our newest family member.

In January, my husband and I got the VID and I was sick for three weeks (him for only 2 days). It figures, that I would go almost the whole pandemic and get sick right when they began distributing vaccines. We made it through though.

While life for the general public seemed to be regaining some normalcy my private life was slowly falling apart. Nothing to scandalus but enough to make me question everything from life to love. Having just lost my mother, not being able to see my kids for Mother’s Day or my birthday. My birthday going from being the best day ever to a royal rumble.

From having my husband by my side 24/7 to him barely here. June, July and August were really dificult adjustment periods for me. So much that I even “ran away” from home. I remember the turning point, he picked me up from the beach and we got into a huge fight because I had to pee. He wasn’t the same after that. Not for awhile anyway.

I do feel robbed of time though. We were newly married right before the world fell apart. A time we should have been discovering life as husband and wife we were now confined to the house.

When we should have been celebrating life we were mourning mom. When we should have been starting on our own journey, we were called home to family.

I’ve no regrets I only wish my mom could have been here for it all and I could have kept my promise.

My husband has a famous saying… “feelings aren’t facts. But the fact is that my feelings were very much hurt and I still occasionally deal with the repercussions, especially when the wounds are reopened with fresh claws by old cats. It’s hard to heal though when there is still much going on in the world that is more important than me.

The world has been through enough this year. I know that I certainly have. Not sure how much more I can take either. Good thing is I had Covid so I don’t need the vaccine right away. Bad thing is I had Covid and I’m not sure how this will affect me down the road, no one is. Good thing is that I’m resilient and strong bad thing is I’m fragile and weak. It’s like a wait and see type of game.

But that’s life, there are no guarantees on anything.

So let’s wait and see…

One +One=Three

January 7, 2021January 10, 2021 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

A Man Has Two Women. He Lies To One, The Other One He Is Completely Honest With. Which One Does He Love? The answer is simple. Neither.

The same can be said for women. Nothing is more sillier to me (IMO) than a woman that 1. thinks her husband loves her more because he comes home every night after a hard day of cheating or 2. the woman that thinks he loves her more because he chooses to break his vows to be with her. There are zero winners here. Not even the man.

I’ve had the unfortunate luck of being one of these women. Can you guess which one? If you said the (for lack of a better word) side piece you are correct. It’s not something I am proud of, but it also wasn’t the worst demoralizing moments of my life. I was a grownup and made a grown up decision to enter that type of relationship willing. I’m neither proud nor ashamed.

I can tell you, I’ve had many panic attacks when my phone would ring during odd hours of the night from a private caller wondering if it would be his wife calling to give me a piece of her mind. It never was. As a good side piece, I never lost my place or stepped out of my lane. I knew my place was in the bed of a sometimes quaint hotel and nothing more existed outside of those walls. Also, I wasn’t foolish enough to think if his marriage imploded because me that he would suddenly realize that I was the one he should have chosen from the beginning. My life is not a Rom-Com.

So I thought about what dumb thing I would say if she ever did call me, and yeah they would all be pretty dumb. Hurtful actually, because that was my mindset at the time. I did my best to hide in the shadows, if he was carless it was because he wanted to be caught. And that is your argument with him.

These are imaginary conversations to me, but I’m sure women and men all over the world are having them right now. So here goes, please keep in mind these have no basis on my current life.

The Wife

So this is the woman that my husband can’t seem to stay from. Aren’t you tired of being lonely? Yes, he might steal moments away from his family to play with you but that’s exactly what you are, a toy. He will never give you any real significant time, not on the days that count, like holidays. Those days are reserved for the people he loves, his family.

Do you enjoy stalking my social media? I keep just enough of it public for you, to remind you of your place. I’m the one he’s building a future with, the one he goes on vacation with, the one he goes to sleep beside and the first person he sees in the morning.

What do you have? Text messages of broken promises and probably pictures you can never share. I know he’s probably dumb enough to take pictures with you to give you a false sense of security and I’m sure he has threatened you that if you expose them it’s over. Please. Post them. And he will be all yours. Give me my freedom.

The Other woman

If you’re so smart, then why are you still with him. He obviously doesn’t love you since he still comes to me. He tells me all about you. You don’t cook, you don’t clean and it goes with out saying, you suck in bed. All those things he likes in bed…yeah I do them. Does he love me? No. But he doesn’t love you either. Stolen moments? Yeah they are, but at least when he’s with me, I know he isn’t with you. He doesn’t take your calls or answer your messages and feeds you lame stories that you buy.

I might not get to go away on fancy vacations or spend holiday’s with him but he tells me that he wishes it was me that was with him and that’s enough for me. I’m not so dumb to believe that if I were in your shoes he would be different. I’d rather be in my place, his side bitch the one he comes to when he needs to talk without being criticized, the one he comes to when the stress of his life with YOU becomes to much for him to bear.

When he’s not with me, I know he’s with you. When he’s not with you, he could be with anyone else and that must keep you up at night. Now you tell me which position is worse? I’d rather be me and continue to have a life than be you, a woman that settled because you think he will change. He won’t. If its not me, there will always be someone else.

The Truth

This man loves neither woman, I don’t think he even has the capacity to love himself. The reality is men and women cheat because they can. They will use every excuse under the sun to justify it but you can be the perfect spouse and still get cheated on. It takes a certain level of maturity and honesty to be in a relationship which some people have not yet reached.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. If your wife hasn’t cooked, maybe find out why and instead of cheating help them with the reasons. If your husband doesn’t seem to be paying attention to you, ask him if he’s okay and help him solve the issues that are weighing him down.

I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheating. I was honest with my ex-husband when I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, but the years leading up to it is where the real communication should have began. I should have told him what made me unhappy and when I was sad and why. But I chose to reman silent until there was no other option.

Do I regret it? No. But do I regret the extra years wasted hoping everything would turn around like magic. But there is nothing magical about marriage, it’s hard work, commitment, honesty, faithfulness understanding and most importantly respect. Without mutual respect for each other you have nothing except two people playing house just waiting for the next best thing to come along.

Be good to one another. Be faithful . And if you find you can be neither, be honest and let them go.

Am I worried my husband will cheat? Of course I am, not because I’m not a good woman, not because he is a bad man. Sometimes Karma comes wrapped in everything you ever wanted in a person to teach you a lesson. And sometimes Karma is the prison you created from your past.

What would mom do?

July 9, 2020July 10, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyday I lay in the same spot you did wondering how many days and nights you stared up at the ceiling or out the window wishing your mother was here to guide you. I wish you were here.

I’m an emotional mess these days, but I don’t have to tell you that, you can see everything. I know you see periods of me forgetting to eat or softening my pain with alcohol. Taking sleeping pills that don’t work to fall into a sleep that never comes. Sleep I so desperately need to fill the gaps of loneliness and uncertainty that never seemed to close.

If you knew everything that you knew when you died…would you still have done it all the exact same way? I believe I would but with exceptions, I would not have stayed in such terrible relationships for as long as I did, accepting so little of what I deserved. Maybe I would have found love sooner and not have wasted what was the last of my precious childbearing years.

School, I would have definitely finished school and gotten my degree in social work. I probably still would not be living in a penthouse but I may be in a more comfortable financial situation than I am now. BTW, do you remember why I told you I wanted to live in a penthouse? It was because dad is afraid of heights and I could hide from him there. Look at me now.

I don’t mean to sound sad, but I am. My life is different now and I’m not sure I have the strength for anymore change. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and nothing, not any relationship, friendship nor any job on earth will top the the loss of my mother, not a one. And just because it is natural order, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Actually, the loss of one of my children would be worse and that is something I hope I never have to live through fore I would cut out my own beating heart just to give it to them.

How did you do it? Daily life, juggling everything that was important to you and everything that your family needed? Did you ever have a hard time asking for the things you needed? Did you ever want to run away? I did…I have and it was the hardest decision I made in my relationship with H.

I didn’t even really mean to run away, it all happened so fast that it actually felt like it was a dream, swiftly yet I moved in slow motion as my heart raced, wondering if I made the right decision. Was it worth it? I dunno, a lot could have transpired over the 48 hours we were apart and although I did not get the result I had hoped for I did get sometime to do some soul searching.

I felt brave and strong and yes scared. But there was an unbelievable calmness that came over me as I examined my life from all angles.

No couple is perfect, we’re no exception. I’m trying to find my voice and speak up for what I want before it becomes what I wanted. The problem with speaking up is what happens if I don’t receive the answers I hoped for?

I’m trying to not let my anxiety dictate my fears over facts but I feel like I’m losing my grasp. I’m incredibly broken right now.

Do I believe we’re soulmates? Yes, but somewhere along the way we got disconnected from each other. Can we get back to the place we once were? I’m hopeful.

The problem with relationships is that if you speak with your family and friends they form well meaning intentions and ill feelings towards your SO. Once the dust settles and you decide to work things out they seem to be less forgiving. So I’m suffering in silence.

I’ve been relying a lot on prayers and readings these days and I’m thisshy from seeking professional help. So please my dear sweet mother, who had a heart of gold and was the Queen of forgiveness, the woman who saw the goodness in everyone…what would you do?

*If any of my friends or family are reading this, we’re okay. Just trying to figure some things out and get back to the place we once were.

More time

April 25, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Facebook has been reminding me that six years ago around this time we were celebrating Easter 🐣.

I looked through that album and not one picture with my mother. In all the photos she was either sitting in the background, talking to one of her grandkids or quietly sitting by herself 😔.

I’m trying really hard to remember this day and aside from the photos I don’t remember much. Only that it was probably like any other family function, where we all congregated in the kitchen getting drunk while my mother sat quietly in the corner, alone. My siblings always engaged her in conversation. I usually never did.

I didn’t mean to ignore her, I just thought I had more time. More time to take photos with her, more time to build memories, more time to show her I loved her.

It wasn’t until my husband entered my life that I began to see my parents more and for that I will always be grateful 💜. Grateful for the memories I might not have if it wasn’t for him.

I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid. I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. I wish that I was able to go back in time. I also wish I can remember this feeling of regret so that I don’t repeat my past mistake which is also my greatest regret.

I love you mom 💜 and I miss you.

Dancing Forever

April 17, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Yesterday I lost my mother due to complications from Covid-19. I. Am. Broken.

She was the best person I knew. Of course she had faults, family secrets hidden behind her dark purple almost black lipstick. But she was still my mother and I should have treated her as such.

I have a jazillion stories I want to share, but I can’t see through my tears right now. I can’t unfeel this heartbreak, I can’t go back in time.

I was proud of you and honored you were my mother even though I may have never showed it. Even when I may have seemed pissed to be burdened with your decisions.

You raised six kids basically on your own, worked multiple jobs, all while trying to make sure we had a wonderfully rich cultural childhood. I still remember the Cambodian protest you took me to when I was ten.

Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet reached my goal (living in a penthouse high above the city), even though it may seem as I could never settle down in life and even though I do not follow you in Christ.

I believe in Heaven and I’m comforted you are there. I hope that you are dancing to your hearts content without any of the pains the strokes have caused you. I pray you are looking down on all your children and their SO’s, grandchildren and spouse (my dad, but that’s what she called him lol). Watching how are hearts ache from the giant hole that was created when you left us.

You were right. I’d be sorry when you were gone. I love you mom 💜. Please forgive me💔.

Good Vibes Only…

February 25, 2020February 25, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So, my anxiety is peaking again…I know why but I also don’t. It’s also sometimes hard to find that thin line between reality and imagination. Like I said being crazy is hard, but what’s even harder is trying to prove to other people you aren’t.

I’m learning to be able to trust my husband when sharing my anxiety, it’s sometimes hard because although he wants me to share my feelings with him I know it sometimes comes out as an accusation. Sometimes it is one and at other times it isn’t. Sometimes it solely about him and at other times it ‘s not. Unfortunately I’m still having trouble after all these years fine deciphering the mess that are my emotions.

Wednesday, I had for lack of a better word a “premonition”. I was on my way to work and we were on the phone. As I was crossing the street, there wasn’t a car in sight but I had felt a large impact on my right side, as if I was just hit by a car. I told him immediately, because the last time it happened my grandmother was hit by a car a few days after.

I experienced a few days of heightened anxiety due to other things, I kept mostly silent on these matters because I wasn’t really sure where they were originating from. I have been feeling sad and depressed and feeling immense grief lately. I can’t tell you why, because I’m not really sure. Our relationship did hit a few bumps over the weekend but nothing more than the usual bumps we experienced in the past.

But as things always do, things became more clear and I noticed somethings and then the voices of un-reason began to chime in and fill my head with thoughts of dishonestly.

It started with a phone call, a blast from my past decided it would make a brief reappearance. The details of the call aren’t even worth noting the most important thing is I told my husband, pretty much as soon as it happened. Well maybe not told, but texted I needed to tell him something and as soon as I got the chance I did.

Needless to say he was not thrilled and it led to a whole other conversation that bred even more anxiety for me, because sometimes when he is being less than honest his eyes tell on him. Well, they were telling on him big time and as hard as I tried to not listen to that little voice in my head the next day I had to just dig a little for some answers.

The first place I always look for answers is Consciousness Evolution Journey YouTube channel. She is scarily always on point and this time was no different. I don’t feel I can be open about the discovery as of yet. I’m still processing it and the events of the weekend. Desperately trying to find a healthy coping mechanism because my past ones are not healthy at all. But don’t worry, it wan’t life shattering, relationship ending information, but definite conversations that needed to be had.

As always, I never know how to convey what it is I want to say vocally ( I should probably just leave him 12 page letters going forward) so I’m sure it came out all wrong, which is why it ensued into a huge and very loud one sided discussion in the park. All I really wanted to say is “when you do certain things it hurts me”.

These discussions never last long and we soon were on our way home. I still felt raw and inconsolable (actually I still do) but always have to have a brave strong face, so know one ever really understands the pain I am feeling. After awhile of being home he was going to work and seeing his friend but I felt like it was more seeing his friend and may be work. But I didn’t say anything, I know I didn’t really have to. My energy changed and he knows it, but it didn’t stop him. But something else did and while I’m unhappy it occurred at all, I’m happy it when down the way it did.

When he got to the car it was damaged. Someone had it it hard, on the right side making it inoperable. I know he’s upset, that’s the way he makes money, but I want him to see the bigger picture. He could have been in that car and we would be having a whole other conversation. I might be burying my husband instead of watching the car getting towed. I may not fully understand my emotions or premonitions, but I am thankful for the way it turned out.

Here are a few things I came away with this weekend:

Always go with your gut feelings, no matter how far fetched they may be. It’s always better to say how you feel, holding it in only hurts yourself. Keep myself focused and keep finding healthy coping mechanisms to get through situations I can’t change.

Monday’s just about over but I hope everyone had a great one. Monday’s can set the precedent for your week but it shouldn’t. If your Monday wasn’t absolutely amazing, go for a Terrific Tuesday.

Have a good night 🌙.

Would you tell a friend if you knew their significant other was cheating?

September 5, 2019September 24, 2019 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Would you tell a friend if you knew their significant other was cheating?

I think this is one of the hardest things you might ever have to do in a friendship. I would never want to be the cause of someone’s pain, even though said cheater is the actual cause, I’d still feel some sense of responsibility. So No I probably would not tell my friend, not right away at least.

But let me explain; I would definitely confront the cheater! That’s for damn sure! I would also definitely issue an ultimatum. He/she tells or I will! And I’m really hoping she/he does, because I really don’t want to be the one that has to.

Here’s why: It can become a case of he said she said, so now I have to make sure I take pictures or video to back up what I saw, which I think will further hurt my friend. Pictures and videos live in your memory far longer than something that you just imagine.

Also, there may be some chance however slim, that the friend already knows. Maybe they flat out know and are okay with it or maybe they suspect and are finding a way to cope with it. Either way it may cause some embarrassment.

I do know that it doesn’t turn out well for anyone. Instead of asking myself what would Jai do in this situation, I asked what would Jai want done? And for me I would want to know. Just tell me, it’s going to hurt like FUCK, but I want to know. So then I can decide how to kill him! (Just kidding).

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thought and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

How do you get over a broken heart?

September 4, 2019September 24, 2019 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

How do you get over a broken heart?

P.M., Some where in the world

Getting over a broken heart is never easy. I think because mostly it’s only something you can feel and not actually see. There are symptoms but nothing that any medical test can detect. There is no special remedy that a doctor can prescribe to fix you (although there was a study reported in The New York Times that suggest Tylenol can reduce the physical pain of a breakup) there is no magic elixir that numbs the pain (although we use alcohol as a band-aid and just wake up feeling worse, trust me I know). There is nothing but emptiness.

I’m pretty sure we all experience to some degree the same symptoms. The constant crying, sleepless nights, to much sleeping, the wondering why, loss of appetite, reliving the memories, trying to find that one thing you did wrong, and if all of that is not bad enough, then depression sets in.

But in the end, the only thing that really works is time. The time it takes to realize it was really their loss and not yours. The time it takes to remember you’re the shit! The time to love yourself again.The time it takes to heal the wounds so that you don’t bring them into future relationships. Time, take some time for you.

It may feel like you will never love again but you will. And when you do, when you find that person that is your other half, you will forget ole what’s their face ever even existed.

But until then if you’re feeling down here is a great break-up empowerment song by Lizzo: Truth Hurts!

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.