Tag: Commitment

When is it okay to cheat?

When is it okay to cheat?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

When is it okay to cheat?

Bronx, New York

How is this even a question? but okay…

NEVER! Cheating is a selfish act and I say this as person who has been on both sides of this. No relationship is perfect, it takes a lot of work from both sides and if you aren’t willing to put in the work then you have should not be in a relationship in the first place.

There are many excuses for cheating, yes excuses. IMO there is no real good reason to do so. If you can think of one please feel free to comment below. But since this is the topic for the day lets go over some of the excuses that are commonly used.

**Please note: I use YOU as a pronoun and is not directed to a specific person, place or entity unless otherwise noted.

He/she hasn’t had sex with me in x amount of time, they never touch me anymore or make me feel loved, desired or sexy so I’m just going to get it from someone else. Have you taken the time to ask your partner if everything is okay? How are they feeling? It may be their health, physical or mental. Some times it could be something that your partner is dealing with internally and it is being projected on to you and the relationship. They may be dealing with some heavy stuff and don’t want to burden you with the details until they have all the information and it trickled it’s way into the romance.

Is this distance a new thing or have they always been this way? If this a behavior they have always displayed, talk to them. They may have suffered trauma from a previous relationship and feel like they are unable or worthy of showing love. If this is something new it might be more like the above mentioned. Either way COMMUNICATE with your SO before making a life changing decision like cheating.

He/she accuses me of doing it anyway, so might as well. Ahhh my all time favorite excuse. This is what ex-husband number 1 tried to use as his reasoning for cheating. Why did I accuse him of cheating? Let me count the ways; 1. I think the major reason was that he was inexperienced with women, I always felt he would wind up needing to “Sow his wild oats” and live a little before truly being able to settle down with one woman. 2. He was never home, barely held a job, we had a brand new baby and all he wanted to do was be in the park. Not that big a deal some might say, but that is where he met the girl he cheated with…so maybe a big deal after all?

Now I know I spent some time “accusing” H of cheating and he has accused me as well in not so many words and we have both done some questionable things or allowed outside forces to put doubts in our minds against each other and it sucks. It caused us to lose precious amounts of time together and it all could have ended really badly. Thankfully we were able to communicate with each other our fears/doubts. Communicate. Something that Tee and I we’re unable to do so many moons ago. So accusations it is, but he said I made him do it…I didn’t know I was that powerful.

If you don’t do (a certain sex act, make me food or anything I say) I’m just going to find someone who will! I’m pretty sure during the dating process you find out the other person’s likes and dislikes and their sexual sexcapades they are willing to participate in. If you like oral sex now is a good time to learn if the other person does not like giving it? If they don’t is that a deal breaker for you? If yes, do not pass go! Do they like to cook, can they cook, are they willing to learn your favorite meals? IMO dating is the audition for the role you want to play for life (marriage) and this is usually where we are all on our best behavior showing off and showing out. If they aren’t doing for you the things you require during the dating process what makes you believe they will change down the road? So no this is not a reason to cheat. You knew better. Just keep it casual.

Now I know there are some people with the belief; why should I shower her with gifts, cook him food, treat them like a King/Queen if we are only dating? Like I said it’s an audition for a bigger role. But if you don’t see yourself in their future, then by all means keep it casual and all the other things are unnecessary. I like doing these things for H, all of them. I don’t feel enslaved I actually feel empowered, like hey I got this cool magic trick I can do (cook & stuff) cheat and poof🌫 it’s gone, I go and so does my fried rice lol.

There are two things I have always told him (1). The best and only revenge I can take when we have our petty fights is not cheating on him or unblocking my ex’es…it’s revoking his access to me, even for just a little while. What does that mean? Changing his name in my phone to his full government and disabling certain apps. No need to cheat, just delete (temporarily) (2). Create an environment in which I never want to leave and I won’t and vice versa, which is also why I treat him like a king.

On the real though; in all reality I know you can be everything the other person ever dreamed of, cook their favorite foods and do back flips on their🍆, and they will still find some reason to cheat on you.What keeps a person from cheating is themselves. They and only they can decide if losing you is worth the risk of a few moments of pleasure.

I’m unhappy in my marriage and not getting any attention at home and need some excitement in my life. Never stop dating your spouse. Love notes, romantic walks, dinner dates etc should not end when that ring slips on your finger. I like to call it a tiny handcuff lol, but it most certainly isn’t a death sentence. I know firsthand after many years of marriage it can become mundane, you two might grow up and apart, I think that’s just a normal cycle of life and if that happens then it’s best to just be honest with the other person. No need to cheat. You might be surprised they don’t feel the same way about you either and maybe you two can find a way to salvage what is left of the relationship. But even if you don’t at least you were honest and can have a clean conscience in knowing you did the right thing.

He/She cheated, so I’m going to cheat back.This doesn’t work. Now you have two people “cheating” on each other and zero communication. If the other person cheated, that’s on them and you should never feel like you need to stoop to their level. Take some time apart and heal. You may decide you want to forgive them, but can you really forgive him/her for cheating? I know I couldn’t.

Withholding Sex. This is another popular excuse.Do you own hands? Have a pack of batteries and a B.O.B (battery operated boyfriend). Then why are you cheating? Is there a reason your SO is withholding sex? Ask, communicate with them. Why are they withholding sex? I have never understood this concept, I would feel like I’m punishing myself as well. I have never withheld sex, I think it’s actually a great weapon to get what I want.

I’ve been cheated on, and let me tell you it hurts. Not only mentally and emotionally but physically as well. You feel like you are dying and after you mourn the person you were, you mourn the person you thought you were with questioning everything about yourself. Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? Will anyone ever truly love me? The thing you need to always remember is that it wasn’t you that did anything wrong, but their selfishness and that is something they will need to live with.

I’ve also been the co-conspircheater to several married men. No, this is not something I’m proud of, nor am I totally ashamed. It was an experience in my life, one which I won’t repeat. They knew they were married or in serious relationships, yeah so did I but I always felt the greater burden of guilt should fall on them. Now I understand we were equally culpable and that makes me fear that Karma lady that everyone keeps talking about.

There are so many more excuses that I didn’t get the chance to cover but please feel free to ask me to cover more specific excuses if you’d like.

So my best advice…It is never okay to cheat. But I would really love to hear some of the justifications for cheating if you have any.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?

How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?

The decision to end a relationship is never an easy one. From experience I’ve held on much longer than I probably should have and usually wound up getting hurt.

But when is the right time to leave? I mean, everyone deserves a second chance right? How about 3 chances…or 5? Is cheating a deal breaker for you? How about little white lies? Everyone has a breaking point, and that’s the really sad part, sometimes we have to get completely broken in order for us to find out what our breaking point is.

We continue these relationships for different reasons. In a past relationship I had the notion that, just a little bit of the person would be better than nothing at all. Until I realized I deserved more than the little I was receiving and it hurt more to hang on than it did to let go. Once I let go I had never felt more free. But it took a while to get to my breaking point and it took someone else (my fiance) to open up my eyes to it.

Sometimes we hang on because we don’t want to start over. Nothing sucks more than being in a relationship for many years and thinking about starting over with someone new. Having to learn a new person all over again, thinking about all of the wasted years. Sometimes we just suck it up due to familiarity or may be the other person convinces us that no one else will want us and it destroys our self esteem and ego.

Other times we may feel the person will change and we don’t want to feel like we are abandoning the person that we love so we continue to turn a blind eye. But if he/she is consistently doing the same thing even after you have expressed your feelings, will they ever really change? I’m not talking about little petty arguments or forgetting your birthday or not helping around the house. I’m talking about constant lying, domestic violence or excessive alcohol/drug use etc. If they are not actively seeking help then I see little room for hope or change. Wanting to change and taking the steps to change are very different.

But honestly, leaving a relationship is not always a negative thing. Sometimes it may be in the other person’s best interest. There came a point in my 2nd marriage that I felt that we could no longer grow as a unit, and I basically began living a double life. After many months rather than continue that behavior I decided it was in the best interest for my kids to be honest with their father and let him know that our marriage was over.

I knew I did the right thing, especially when after I told him he didn’t even question or ask why. It was almost as if he was relieved. It was a relief for me as well, it’s never easy to have that type of conversation…at least for me and for the most part we walked away amicably.

I would say the best measure of when to walk away is when the relationship gives you more pain than joy. That’s when you know it’s time to walk away. But think hard and long about it, love and relationships shouldn’t have a revolving door and ending a relationship should never be based on you just needing some time to see what else is out there with the notion you can always go back (it’s not like moving out of state/the country) this is a person’s life.

On the same note, never stay in a relationship that makes you feel small and broken. It’s okay to be afraid but be strong. Don’t walk back through that revolving door.

Relationships take love, time and a lot of work. Sometimes we don’t get it right on the first, second or third try…sadly some never find “The One”. But we all deserve love and happiness…never settle for anything less❤

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Should you look through your partner’s phone?

Should you look through your partner’s phone?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 2 Comments

Should you look through your partner’s phone?

Absolutely NOT, because if you look, there is a good chance you will find something. No matter how minute (mi-noot) it may be it will seem much larger than it is.

The very fact that you feel the need to look should be addressed. Is it something you feel or something they have said or done that makes you feel the need to do this?

I’ll admit it, I’m a snoop and I will justify it with my insecurities. Yes, I have moments and days where I am extremely insecure or my anxiety kicks in. And yes, I have snooped through my fiance’s phone and scoured the phone bill and have come up loaded every time. And what did I get besides breaking my own heart…reasonable explanations.

He’s looked through mine too and boy oh boy did he find something. Albeit, it was 4 years old but way, way, way worse than anything I have found, so are we even yet? I’m pretty sure he broke his own heart too, and since then we have both learned not to snoop (at least I hope we have).

I’d like to say we have both learned it’s better to just ask each other about what ever it may be we’re feeling that drives us to snoop and I believe for the most part we do. And it is better to ask:

“Why is your phone always on DND?”

“Why is your phone always faced down?”

“Why is so&so calling you at 6 am?”

“Who is_____?”

“Why do you have old pictures/videos?”

The list is endless (please feel free to add your own) but it all comes down to trust. Which we are working on. My phone is still locked but he has the pass-code, because I truly have nothing to hide that I’m aware of.

What I mean by that is, what he found on my phone was an old video. Quite honestly, I completely forgot it was even there. So since that day, I have started to go through my camera roll and have found a few things that should have been deleted years ago.

I’m working on it, I have over 50,000 photos & videos (mostly selfies and memes) so it’s a lot of content to get through. But one day my phone will be free from it’s past.

Do I have his pass-code? No, well not technically. He say’s it’s his sons birthday but I tried every variation I could think of and nada. Maybe it’s best that way, I much rather enjoy the scenarios I make up in my head.

I did read an article on when it is appropriate to look through your partner’s phone and experts say it’s only appropriate “when it’s part of being totally transparent after they have cheated. “The only time it makes sense to look at each other’s phones is to get over cheating when complete transparency is the purpose,”. That seems fair to me. But what also seems fair is don’t look through mine unless I can look through yours🤷🏻‍♀️.

But back to the root of it all, if looking through your partners phone is something that consumes you, it’s best to take a better look at your relationship instead of looking through their phone.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

What do you think about “Ghosting”?

What do you think about “Ghosting”?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

What do you think about “Ghosting”?

I think it’s absolutely unacceptable. Look, I get it. Sometimes things just don’t workout, if that’s the case then just be honest and tell the other person. Just be kind about it, or if you can’t be kind and need to be a dick then do so, but what you cannot do is just say nothing.

It’s just so wrong on so many levels. It causes psychological stress and it makes the person that got ghosted feel as though they weren’t enough and asking themselves why this happened and leaving them with a ton of unanswered questions. Have I ever been ghosted, yes I have.

Fortunately I Kinda knew it was coming so I had already prepared myself mentally for it. I was dating someone for about 8 months and to say the very least the “relationship” was complicated from the get, and eventually he had to make a decision and took the cowards way out.

But even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. How do you go from talking to someone constantly for 8 months to nothing? How do you go from saying you want the very best for a person and then disappearing from their lives?

Because I knew he was wishy washy I had even given him an out before the relationship even began. But in the end, it/I proved to be to much for him. Although it hurt, it was mostly my ego and the fact that I enjoyed the friendship more than anything. And that’s what hurt the most, losing a friend.

Have I ever ghosted anyone? Thinking about it now, I may have “soft ghosted” people (which after some research I found is an actual thing, and I actually do it ALOT!) I know I talk a lot about honesty and kindness, but it has been my experience that men have a harder time hearing the truth than women (IMO and from personal experience). So I fully admit instead of saying “I’m not interested” or letting them know straight out the gate they don’t stand a chance I will be friendly and cordial with someone knowing I’m not into them. Also because I don’t want to automatically assume they are into me, that would be embarrassing.

But here’s where I get into trouble, instead of just saying “hey I like you as a friend” I tend to say nothing. Maybe a couple of LOL’s and likes on their photos, but no real substantial conversation on my part. I mean they could write me 5 whole paragraphs and I would just reply with an LOL, haha, or a 🙂 or even no reply at all. It was my thinking that they would just take the hint, get bored and remove themselves from my life…I know, I was being a coward…and a dick.

And in being a coward it has affected my current relationship. There was someone that occasionally texted me, we never met in person but remained friendly. The text messages were always friendly and light…until they weren’t and took on a sexual nature, and the only reply I could muster was…“lol”.

My fiancĂ© saw the message and my reply and was enraged. I meant no harm, but he felt as if I was showing interest however minuscule and instead of saying “lol” I should have told him I had a boyfriend. He’s right, and that day I learned my lesson. So for now on I’ll be an honest dick….eh, probably safer to just not speak to anyone at all. Lol.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

If a man gives a woman an expensive gift, is that a sign of commitment?

If a man gives a woman an expensive gift, is that a sign of commitment?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

If a man gives a woman an expensive gift, is that a sign of commitment?

In my opinion no, not unless it’s an engagement ring (but also IMO an engagement ring doesn’t need to be expensive).

I believe a true sign of commitment would be if he listens to you, picked up on certain cues and took it upon himself to (insert whatever it is you have been sending him subliminal messages about) and gifted you with it.

I use the example of a gift because that is what the question refers to. But I feel like a true sign of commitment is listening to your partner and investing your time. Time is expensive and something you cannot get back.

Gifts come in many forms, not just monetary. If you communicate with your partner about a sensitive matter or something that has been on your mind or bothering you and he takes the time to rectify it or be more sensitive to your needs, consider that a gift.

If your partner takes the time to massage your feet after a long day at work, leave you little notes and tells you daily how beautiful you are, that’s a gift.

A gift can always be repurchased or money replaced, but not time. So if he took the extra time to get to know you and listened to you, I’d say that’s a good indication that he’s really into you.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com