Tag: Communication

It cost zero DOLLARS to be kind….

It cost zero DOLLARS to be kind….

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

But sometimes I feel like it cost me my sanity and what do you do when you’ve had enough? Unfortunately for me that usually means explode to the wrong people.

I will always be very appreciative when anyone has shown me even the smallest of kindness. The world is full of cruelty and sheep’s in wolves clothing. Everyone has an ulterior motive…even me. But I would never be unkind or vindictive to get what I want.

So that’s why it’s so hard for me to understand when people change up on me without cause. Like, was it something I did ? I think I’m a pretty amazing person, I make sure the rent gets paid on time, make sure everything is tidy and try to be respectful of the property of those around me. So why, why, why must some act like monsters?

You’re probably lost, as I realize I probably have gotten ahead of myself. You see, all is not going well in Jailand. Noooo, its not my marriage, H and I are fine (well as fine as we can be under the circumstances). But we have a light at the end of the tunnel so this period of (I don’t even know what to call it) is just temporary.

So just to catch you up what’s been going on…it would appear our angels in disguise are in fact the opposite. Maybe not demons, but money definitely makes their world go round.

First it was a set price for the rent bi-weekly. They then charged us an additional 50$ for a building key , fine. We were in a jam and still very appreciative of the fact they opened their home to us. Then they raised the rent an additional $150 due to the increased “electricity” bill. Okay, not sure how that’s possible being we are at work all day but ok. Then 2 days before its due reneging the original agreement demanding the entire amount! To top it off, now they want an additional $20 per week to clean the bathroom?

It wasn’t bad enough were still in the living room with only some curtains for privacy? That someone keeps going into our area and touching, opening and eating our things? But now to pay so much more for less than we were promised? No.

I know we look well off but we’re not. I buy my clothes in “Rainbow” just like you, most of my jewelry were gifts, we scrimp and save and use Groupon to have date nights. And sometimes eat Ramen noodles for a week when we have to.

So please don’t ever think I’m unappreciative by refusing to just agree to everything. We simply don’t have it for what we’re receiving, please don’t ever think because I’m less fortunate than you that I’m unworthy of kindness and deserve whispers behind semi closed doors.

And I’ve no one I’ve got to prove myself to except the woman in the mirror. I…we…me and Him (H) have proved time and again we are more than capable of picking up the pieces and building an even stronger foundation.

So here’s to us my love 🥂, and on to the next journey that awaits us.

And I apologize to anyone I might explode and have a crazy tantrum on (Sorry to the lady in McDonald’s and to my husband) you were both “mostly” innocent bystanders.

Splitting holiday time fairly

Splitting holiday time fairly

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 3 Comments

When you first begin a relationship, deciding where to spend the holidays can be a little tricky. Even more so when you both come from families that have strong traditions.

During my first marriage it was pretty easy to navigate the holidays. My family never really celebrated Thanksgiving, I mean we had a big meal, my parents made pernil and Chinese fried rice (I’m half Chinese) but they never made a turkey (until I instilled that tradition) so spending Thanksgiving with his family was a given. I’m also half Hispanic so our Christmas celebration is celebrated on Christmas eve. His family was Italian/ Irish so they always held their get together on Christmas Day. Win win for everyone.

What I also appreciated with this arrangement was the joys of Christmas mornings, especially when I had my first born. As I mentioned my family celebrated Christmas eve so what that basically meant was we waited until midnight to open our presents and then that was it…it was over. But now, I had the opportunity to give my children both my family’s tradition while creating a new one. I mean how else was I going to explain Santa to them. I think my parents lied and said he came to Hispanic homes first 🤷🏻‍♀️lol.

With my second marriage it was a whole other story. We both had similar backgrounds so for years, his family always got Thanksgiving day and I hosted my family the Saturday after where I served them delicious turkey and Chinese fried rice. The same went for Christmas, his family got Christmas eve and I got to visit my family Christmas Day. I eventually had to put my foot down and actually drew up a contract stating going forward we were alternating holidays with our families. He agreed. A year later his family moved out of state. Win for me.

Now that I am older and my children are creating their own traditions and spending time with their SO families I do get a little sad this time of year. I never wanted to be that demanding mom that guilted her children to surround her during every holiday like she was the Queen lol. No, I am not bitter, it’s what I used to stay as I stamped my feet to get ready to go to hell I mean his mother’s (just kidding). And I am definitely not that mom and I hope my kids can appreciate that.

So yes, I’m ready to create some new traditions for me and H. He has spent the last two Thanksgivings with my family…so next year I’m ready to be fair and visit with his. I was really hoping to go away for Christmas this year but didn’t really put enough thought into planning it, so maybe next year we can get away for a bit. This year the anticipated itinerary is: stopping by his family’s house before we head over to mine where we will finish out our night and open our secret Santa gifts…I wonder who got me????

So the best advice I can give is; make sure you talk to each other and make sure you’re being fair. Don’t be afraid to start your own traditions and above all, wherever and however you choose to spend it make sure it’s with people you love.

So where are you spending Christmas?

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

How do you combat your anxiety…what are steps you take to lower or try to eliminate it..besides just brushing it off? What has worked for you and what hasn’t?

How do you combat your anxiety…what are steps you take to lower or try to eliminate it..besides just brushing it off? What has worked for you and what hasn’t?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 3 Comments

How do you combat your anxiety…what are steps you take to lower or try to eliminate it..besides just brushing it off? What has worked for you and what hasn’t?

Spcperez Jr. Bronx, New York

Great question, while there are many methods I use to combat it (some healthy others not so much) the one thing I know for sure that DOES NOT work is holding it inside and not finding someway to express it either by speaking to someone or blogging abut it.

I can’t always tell when it is about to begin, sometimes it happens when life is seemingly perfect and I will wake up with full blown anxiety or it will be a series of small things. Trying to learn and identify the triggers is key to eliminating it.

Unfortunately, just being happy seems to be my biggest trigger. I don’t know at which point it was in my life that I believed that I didn’t deserve happiness but now it seems to go hand in hand with anxiety. It’s like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is a horrible way to feel because everyone deserves to be happy and in love. So why not me?

I think that’s why I always chose relationships that were in appropriate, because I never expected them to last anyway and why should I? I was conditioned to believe I was unworthy. So it was really hard (and sometimes it still is) when I finally met someone that is real and for keeps. Someone that could love me with my clothes on and laughs at my corny jokes.

Having anxiety means I spend quite a bit of time on high alert and I swear, in all honesty I’m not always looking for a fight or looking for reasons to leave him or catch him doing something. Honestly I swear I’m not.It’s not that I want to be unfaithful so I think he is. That’s not what it is. It’s that part of me that still feels so unworthy. It’s that little voice that tries to convince me he’s just trying to trick me so he can break my heart.

My anxiety isn’t always relationship based, sometimes I worry about my station in life and my lack of accomplishments. I forget to take into consideration that I spent many years as a housewife and mother and I was pretty damn good at it….at least the mothering part, which then leads into anxiety about whether my children think I was a good mother…which I really hope they do because I really did try my best.

So what do I do when this happens? Since I can never place the source and it normally last for a few days, I usually just tell him I’m feeling anxious. What I’m really silently asking for is just to be more patient with me and I might need to be held a little tighter. I might act out and say crazy things. I’m just trying to say I need him.

What are some of the other ways I handle anxiety? A glass of wine never hurts, sometimes it’s the whole bottle (I did say I had some unhealthy coping mechanisms) or sometimes if I’m alone I roll myself up like a burrito and cry for days or until I feel better. It just takes some time to pass and a major pep talk with myself.

I just have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is not out to get me. That I’m worthy to be loved. That no matter what I always tried my best. I have to remember that not everyone is the same and H isn’t like the men from my past and that it’s unfair to make him pay for what I/they have done.

It’s hard, but I also have to remember that my children are mostly adults and they are allowed to feel any way they want about me (I’m not that thrilled with my parents) and we are not some T.V. sitcom family and had to deal with real life issues.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

When is it okay to cheat?

When is it okay to cheat?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

When is it okay to cheat?

Bronx, New York

How is this even a question? but okay…

NEVER! Cheating is a selfish act and I say this as person who has been on both sides of this. No relationship is perfect, it takes a lot of work from both sides and if you aren’t willing to put in the work then you have should not be in a relationship in the first place.

There are many excuses for cheating, yes excuses. IMO there is no real good reason to do so. If you can think of one please feel free to comment below. But since this is the topic for the day lets go over some of the excuses that are commonly used.

**Please note: I use YOU as a pronoun and is not directed to a specific person, place or entity unless otherwise noted.

He/she hasn’t had sex with me in x amount of time, they never touch me anymore or make me feel loved, desired or sexy so I’m just going to get it from someone else. Have you taken the time to ask your partner if everything is okay? How are they feeling? It may be their health, physical or mental. Some times it could be something that your partner is dealing with internally and it is being projected on to you and the relationship. They may be dealing with some heavy stuff and don’t want to burden you with the details until they have all the information and it trickled it’s way into the romance.

Is this distance a new thing or have they always been this way? If this a behavior they have always displayed, talk to them. They may have suffered trauma from a previous relationship and feel like they are unable or worthy of showing love. If this is something new it might be more like the above mentioned. Either way COMMUNICATE with your SO before making a life changing decision like cheating.

He/she accuses me of doing it anyway, so might as well. Ahhh my all time favorite excuse. This is what ex-husband number 1 tried to use as his reasoning for cheating. Why did I accuse him of cheating? Let me count the ways; 1. I think the major reason was that he was inexperienced with women, I always felt he would wind up needing to “Sow his wild oats” and live a little before truly being able to settle down with one woman. 2. He was never home, barely held a job, we had a brand new baby and all he wanted to do was be in the park. Not that big a deal some might say, but that is where he met the girl he cheated with…so maybe a big deal after all?

Now I know I spent some time “accusing” H of cheating and he has accused me as well in not so many words and we have both done some questionable things or allowed outside forces to put doubts in our minds against each other and it sucks. It caused us to lose precious amounts of time together and it all could have ended really badly. Thankfully we were able to communicate with each other our fears/doubts. Communicate. Something that Tee and I we’re unable to do so many moons ago. So accusations it is, but he said I made him do it…I didn’t know I was that powerful.

If you don’t do (a certain sex act, make me food or anything I say) I’m just going to find someone who will! I’m pretty sure during the dating process you find out the other person’s likes and dislikes and their sexual sexcapades they are willing to participate in. If you like oral sex now is a good time to learn if the other person does not like giving it? If they don’t is that a deal breaker for you? If yes, do not pass go! Do they like to cook, can they cook, are they willing to learn your favorite meals? IMO dating is the audition for the role you want to play for life (marriage) and this is usually where we are all on our best behavior showing off and showing out. If they aren’t doing for you the things you require during the dating process what makes you believe they will change down the road? So no this is not a reason to cheat. You knew better. Just keep it casual.

Now I know there are some people with the belief; why should I shower her with gifts, cook him food, treat them like a King/Queen if we are only dating? Like I said it’s an audition for a bigger role. But if you don’t see yourself in their future, then by all means keep it casual and all the other things are unnecessary. I like doing these things for H, all of them. I don’t feel enslaved I actually feel empowered, like hey I got this cool magic trick I can do (cook & stuff) cheat and poof🌫 it’s gone, I go and so does my fried rice lol.

There are two things I have always told him (1). The best and only revenge I can take when we have our petty fights is not cheating on him or unblocking my ex’es…it’s revoking his access to me, even for just a little while. What does that mean? Changing his name in my phone to his full government and disabling certain apps. No need to cheat, just delete (temporarily) (2). Create an environment in which I never want to leave and I won’t and vice versa, which is also why I treat him like a king.

On the real though; in all reality I know you can be everything the other person ever dreamed of, cook their favorite foods and do back flips on their🍆, and they will still find some reason to cheat on you.What keeps a person from cheating is themselves. They and only they can decide if losing you is worth the risk of a few moments of pleasure.

I’m unhappy in my marriage and not getting any attention at home and need some excitement in my life. Never stop dating your spouse. Love notes, romantic walks, dinner dates etc should not end when that ring slips on your finger. I like to call it a tiny handcuff lol, but it most certainly isn’t a death sentence. I know firsthand after many years of marriage it can become mundane, you two might grow up and apart, I think that’s just a normal cycle of life and if that happens then it’s best to just be honest with the other person. No need to cheat. You might be surprised they don’t feel the same way about you either and maybe you two can find a way to salvage what is left of the relationship. But even if you don’t at least you were honest and can have a clean conscience in knowing you did the right thing.

He/She cheated, so I’m going to cheat back.This doesn’t work. Now you have two people “cheating” on each other and zero communication. If the other person cheated, that’s on them and you should never feel like you need to stoop to their level. Take some time apart and heal. You may decide you want to forgive them, but can you really forgive him/her for cheating? I know I couldn’t.

Withholding Sex. This is another popular excuse.Do you own hands? Have a pack of batteries and a B.O.B (battery operated boyfriend). Then why are you cheating? Is there a reason your SO is withholding sex? Ask, communicate with them. Why are they withholding sex? I have never understood this concept, I would feel like I’m punishing myself as well. I have never withheld sex, I think it’s actually a great weapon to get what I want.

I’ve been cheated on, and let me tell you it hurts. Not only mentally and emotionally but physically as well. You feel like you are dying and after you mourn the person you were, you mourn the person you thought you were with questioning everything about yourself. Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? Will anyone ever truly love me? The thing you need to always remember is that it wasn’t you that did anything wrong, but their selfishness and that is something they will need to live with.

I’ve also been the co-conspircheater to several married men. No, this is not something I’m proud of, nor am I totally ashamed. It was an experience in my life, one which I won’t repeat. They knew they were married or in serious relationships, yeah so did I but I always felt the greater burden of guilt should fall on them. Now I understand we were equally culpable and that makes me fear that Karma lady that everyone keeps talking about.

There are so many more excuses that I didn’t get the chance to cover but please feel free to ask me to cover more specific excuses if you’d like.

So my best advice…It is never okay to cheat. But I would really love to hear some of the justifications for cheating if you have any.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Should you look through your partner’s phone?

Should you look through your partner’s phone?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 2 Comments

Should you look through your partner’s phone?

Absolutely NOT, because if you look, there is a good chance you will find something. No matter how minute (mi-noot) it may be it will seem much larger than it is.

The very fact that you feel the need to look should be addressed. Is it something you feel or something they have said or done that makes you feel the need to do this?

I’ll admit it, I’m a snoop and I will justify it with my insecurities. Yes, I have moments and days where I am extremely insecure or my anxiety kicks in. And yes, I have snooped through my fiance’s phone and scoured the phone bill and have come up loaded every time. And what did I get besides breaking my own heart…reasonable explanations.

He’s looked through mine too and boy oh boy did he find something. Albeit, it was 4 years old but way, way, way worse than anything I have found, so are we even yet? I’m pretty sure he broke his own heart too, and since then we have both learned not to snoop (at least I hope we have).

I’d like to say we have both learned it’s better to just ask each other about what ever it may be we’re feeling that drives us to snoop and I believe for the most part we do. And it is better to ask:

“Why is your phone always on DND?”

“Why is your phone always faced down?”

“Why is so&so calling you at 6 am?”

“Who is_____?”

“Why do you have old pictures/videos?”

The list is endless (please feel free to add your own) but it all comes down to trust. Which we are working on. My phone is still locked but he has the pass-code, because I truly have nothing to hide that I’m aware of.

What I mean by that is, what he found on my phone was an old video. Quite honestly, I completely forgot it was even there. So since that day, I have started to go through my camera roll and have found a few things that should have been deleted years ago.

I’m working on it, I have over 50,000 photos & videos (mostly selfies and memes) so it’s a lot of content to get through. But one day my phone will be free from it’s past.

Do I have his pass-code? No, well not technically. He say’s it’s his sons birthday but I tried every variation I could think of and nada. Maybe it’s best that way, I much rather enjoy the scenarios I make up in my head.

I did read an article on when it is appropriate to look through your partner’s phone and experts say it’s only appropriate “when it’s part of being totally transparent after they have cheated. “The only time it makes sense to look at each other’s phones is to get over cheating when complete transparency is the purpose,”. That seems fair to me. But what also seems fair is don’t look through mine unless I can look through yours🤷🏻‍♀️.

But back to the root of it all, if looking through your partners phone is something that consumes you, it’s best to take a better look at your relationship instead of looking through their phone.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

What do you think about “Ghosting”?

What do you think about “Ghosting”?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

What do you think about “Ghosting”?

I think it’s absolutely unacceptable. Look, I get it. Sometimes things just don’t workout, if that’s the case then just be honest and tell the other person. Just be kind about it, or if you can’t be kind and need to be a dick then do so, but what you cannot do is just say nothing.

It’s just so wrong on so many levels. It causes psychological stress and it makes the person that got ghosted feel as though they weren’t enough and asking themselves why this happened and leaving them with a ton of unanswered questions. Have I ever been ghosted, yes I have.

Fortunately I Kinda knew it was coming so I had already prepared myself mentally for it. I was dating someone for about 8 months and to say the very least the “relationship” was complicated from the get, and eventually he had to make a decision and took the cowards way out.

But even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. How do you go from talking to someone constantly for 8 months to nothing? How do you go from saying you want the very best for a person and then disappearing from their lives?

Because I knew he was wishy washy I had even given him an out before the relationship even began. But in the end, it/I proved to be to much for him. Although it hurt, it was mostly my ego and the fact that I enjoyed the friendship more than anything. And that’s what hurt the most, losing a friend.

Have I ever ghosted anyone? Thinking about it now, I may have “soft ghosted” people (which after some research I found is an actual thing, and I actually do it ALOT!) I know I talk a lot about honesty and kindness, but it has been my experience that men have a harder time hearing the truth than women (IMO and from personal experience). So I fully admit instead of saying “I’m not interested” or letting them know straight out the gate they don’t stand a chance I will be friendly and cordial with someone knowing I’m not into them. Also because I don’t want to automatically assume they are into me, that would be embarrassing.

But here’s where I get into trouble, instead of just saying “hey I like you as a friend” I tend to say nothing. Maybe a couple of LOL’s and likes on their photos, but no real substantial conversation on my part. I mean they could write me 5 whole paragraphs and I would just reply with an LOL, haha, or a 🙂 or even no reply at all. It was my thinking that they would just take the hint, get bored and remove themselves from my life…I know, I was being a coward…and a dick.

And in being a coward it has affected my current relationship. There was someone that occasionally texted me, we never met in person but remained friendly. The text messages were always friendly and light…until they weren’t and took on a sexual nature, and the only reply I could muster was…“lol”.

My fiancĂ© saw the message and my reply and was enraged. I meant no harm, but he felt as if I was showing interest however minuscule and instead of saying “lol” I should have told him I had a boyfriend. He’s right, and that day I learned my lesson. So for now on I’ll be an honest dick….eh, probably safer to just not speak to anyone at all. Lol.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

How do you express yourself to a partner about a topic you’re not to comfortable with?

How do you express yourself to a partner about a topic you’re not to comfortable with?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

How do you express yourself to a partner about a topic you’re not to comfortable with?

Anonymous

Just be honest. But first look inside yourself and explore why you aren’t comfortable with that particular topic so you can be as clear as possible. I always believe that honesty is the best policy. I also believe the truth hurts.

Are you trying to express something about yourself or your partner? What do you hope to gain from the situation.

I feel like this question is so broad and can cover almost any situation. So “What would Jai do?

I’m going to share a recent situation with my boyfriend. I suffer from anxiety, and it’s always very uncomfortable for me to approach him with when I am feeling anxious.

My normal M.O. is to usually mull it over for a few days or weeks, see if there is any basis for my anxiety. I like doing this because it gives me the chance to gather my thoughts and process the situation that is causing my anxiety.

I don’t know if this is right or wrong, it’s simply my way.Then after I feel comfortable enough to approach him about it I will. I feel like this way I’m not attacking him or accusing him etc. I’ve had to time to think about (imagine) every possible scenario/outcome.

We have recently come to an agreement that I would not wait so long to tell him how I’m feeling. That as soon as I feel an anxious to let him know and we can talk it together.

I explained to him my process and and why. But he prefers I not wait to speak on it and let it fester further causing me more unnecessary pain.

So now I tell him what i’m feeling when I’m feeling it. What did I gain? I can release the anxiety rather than holding onto it. And I gained some comfort knowing that I can talk to him about anything.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com