Tag: Death

Miss You Much 💔

Miss You Much 💔

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

I thought that by writing this at work I could avoid the waterfall of tears that are sure to come. I was wrong. It has been a whole year since you left this earth and the pain of your departure has not lessened.

You have missed so much and yet it feels like time has stood still for all of us. I can still hear your footsteps and laughter in the apartment and see your beautiful smile every time I close my eyes.

The weather today is the perfect reflection of how I feel. It is pouring outside, a gray and stormy day, just like inside my heart and head. No comfort for me today, I have to be strong at work. Just like I know the many days you you went in but often cried in the bathroom.

I wish you were here mom and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what you would do if you were in my shoes. I still need advice I still need my mom. I know that I acted like I knew it all, I was just trying to be strong…I guess to prepare myself for the day you were no longer here. It didn’t work.

I know you watch over us though and that does bring me great comfort. I feel you in this room, the room you spent much of the last days of your life. The home where you brought the family together.

H and I are getting ready to embark on the next part of our journey, a place to call our very own. I just hope that I can take the memory of you with me. I know that you would be so happy for me. I just wish you were here to visit me.

They say that everything happens for a reason but I will never understand why you were taken so soon. God must have needed you for something big.

So for now, I’m going to wipe my tears and woman up and be strong like I know you would. Thank you mom for making me the woman I am today. Please don’t stop guiding me in the right direction. I may not always pick the path you would but the destination is always the same.

Sleep in peace my beautiful mother, rest easy knowing that we are all okay. Your beautiful new grand baby and all your future grands will know of you and the remarkable and incredible woman you were.

I love you and miss you much.

~J

One Year Later

One Year Later

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Can you believe it? It has been one year since all of our lives have been changed forever. Whether you’ve lost someone to Covid or not, you can’t tell me your life has not been changed in some way.

For some it may have been their favorite restaurant closing their doors or having to retake elementary courses in order to home school their children or having their freedom taken away when the executive order for a curfew was set in place.

Perhaps you had to wait on long lines to buy groceries or got into fist fights over toilet paper or had your income reduced because they reduced your hours at work…reducing your paitence with life.

For many it would be losing a loved one. We have all lost someone to Covid. Whether it was an immediate family member or old college roomate. It has touched everyone.

For me Covid would come in the form of one of life’s greatest losses a person can have, I lost my mother. I know that the death of a parent is supposed to be part of the natrual order of life but it was so sudden, without any warnings. One day we are planning her anniversary dinner at her favorite Chinese restaurant and the next we are saying our last goodbyes.

At first we were witnessing this nightmare happen to people on the other side of the world, here; she was being treated for a UTI and then she was just gone. How did this happen? It was so swift and unexpected and her death left alot of things unsaid. It left a deafening silence on my heart and a vulnerability I’m not used to.

2020 was like something out of a B scifi movie (B is for BAD), we had everything from a killer virus to murder hornets to riots and race wars and monstorus storms….oh my.

Being quarantined tested humanity, tested our patience and tested my marriage. But we all made it through.

The buses were free, which I was grateful for because an already scary subway system became even more so when the homeless took over. City streets once full of tourist life were now empty and it was eerily quiet. Now there is more activity in the streets but will it ever be the once thriving city it once was?

When it finally got warm and outdoor activities became available I spent a lot of time alone at the beach to reflect. Nothing like crying into your beer on the sand. Outdoor dining became an everywhere thing, not just swanky parts of Manhattan but even in lil ole Queens. It was great, finally a way to socialize and at least get out of the house and interact with other humans again.

But life for all of us as moved forward. The holiday’s came and went without a hitch. Obviously there was a big gap in our hearts because it was the first without mom but as a family we got through it together. Stronger I think.

For some, being quarrantined was creating a new life that will be born into the family with renewed hope and faith. Sadness takes over when I think about mom not being here to hold a new grandchild but I know she’s watching over our newest family member.

In January, my husband and I got the VID and I was sick for three weeks (him for only 2 days). It figures, that I would go almost the whole pandemic and get sick right when they began distributing vaccines. We made it through though.

While life for the general public seemed to be regaining some normalcy my private life was slowly falling apart. Nothing to scandalus but enough to make me question everything from life to love. Having just lost my mother, not being able to see my kids for Mother’s Day or my birthday. My birthday going from being the best day ever to a royal rumble.

From having my husband by my side 24/7 to him barely here. June, July and August were really dificult adjustment periods for me. So much that I even “ran away” from home. I remember the turning point, he picked me up from the beach and we got into a huge fight because I had to pee. He wasn’t the same after that. Not for awhile anyway.

I do feel robbed of time though. We were newly married right before the world fell apart. A time we should have been discovering life as husband and wife we were now confined to the house.

When we should have been celebrating life we were mourning mom. When we should have been starting on our own journey, we were called home to family.

I’ve no regrets I only wish my mom could have been here for it all and I could have kept my promise.

My husband has a famous saying… “feelings aren’t facts. But the fact is that my feelings were very much hurt and I still occasionally deal with the repercussions, especially when the wounds are reopened with fresh claws by old cats. It’s hard to heal though when there is still much going on in the world that is more important than me.

The world has been through enough this year. I know that I certainly have. Not sure how much more I can take either. Good thing is I had Covid so I don’t need the vaccine right away. Bad thing is I had Covid and I’m not sure how this will affect me down the road, no one is. Good thing is that I’m resilient and strong bad thing is I’m fragile and weak. It’s like a wait and see type of game.

But that’s life, there are no guarantees on anything.

So let’s wait and see…

Buy The Flowers

Buy The Flowers

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Yesterday while I was out shopping I tried to find some more artificial purple roses for my mom. I usually buy them when I see them and then instead of giving them to her myself, I just give then to my dad so that he may gently arrange them on her grave.

I don’t ever recall him bringing her flowers so I’m pretty sure she is watching from Heaven pretty amused and if I’m being quite honest, I don’t think I did either. I never even really paid attention to the color purple. Now when I see a Purple rose/flower I HAVE to buy it…for dad of course.

What is it about death that deserves flowers? How come we don’t fill our loved ones arms with flowers while they are alive to enjoy them? Miss Anne Frank has answered this best.

 ‘Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.’

~Anne Frank

Last night I asked H for some fresh flowers for my new vase, I wasn’t fishing but it did remind me of an argument we had a couple of weeks ago right after I bought the vase.

I asked him for fresh flowers to fill it, a few days went by and it still remained empty. So without thinking I bought myself a bouquet of artificial white roses. I didn’t mean it as a sign of impatience with him I just hated seeing the vase empty. And fresh flowers can be expensive, so I just wanted the artificial roses on hand for times we can’t afford them.

I can hear him now…”Babe, I will always be able to afford to buy you flowers!” He absolutely hates when I talk about money or rather when I don’t talk about money. He hates that I don’t ask for financial help until I’m on my last quarter. I hate that I asked for flowers.

Not because I don’t think I deserve them, not because I don’t think he will get them but because given the current climate, it seems like such a trivial thing to ask for. But what if mom would have asked for purple roses…would I have run out to buy them as I do now? I don’t think so. Because flowers are for the dead and regret is stronger than gratitude and I always learn the lesson after it’s been taught.

Buy the flowers, don’t wait for special occasions to wear that special dress, don’t wait to learn the meaning of regret. Practice gratitude so that when the time comes you will have no regrets. Live, Love, and live and love some more.

This was short but I hope sweet.

Jai

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I woke up today and for that I want to say thank you. My life has been a complete mess lately and I know I have began to lose sight of all the little things we take for granted. Like waking up, like having a soft pillow to lay my head on and everything in between.

I’ve even taken Monday’s for granted, not everyone will be blessed to make it to next Monday. So for all of us that have made it to this one…cheers to you and I. Life is too short, repeat after me…LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

It’s become sort of a mantra lately, whenever I become upset with a person or a situation or anything actually, I quietly remind myself that life is too short to be unhappy and I have the power to change it. Being unhappy is a choice not a given, so why choose it.

I started to draft this two Monday’s ago but was unable to complete it due to events that happened when I got home.

Two weeks ago, my dad decided he wanted to end it all, fortunately his attempt was unsuccessful. But it really got me thinking how suicide is truly a selfish act. It leaves behind your loved ones wondering if there was anything they could do to stop you. And the honest truth is for someone that truly wants to end their life there is nothing that will stop them, only they can stop themselves. I know, I have been in that position more than once in my life.

It isn’t fair to to the family, we all have lives too. Some of us live there, some are near and some are across the country. We are not trained professionals, we should not be held accountable for someone else’s actions, and no one should aim to blame anyone if he did manage to do it. I know this coming from the other side of the pill bottle. I was a selfish teen/young woman and while my reasons may have seemed valid, they were most definitely NOT.

I…am still after all these years seeking my father’s approval. Which is why I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Every time I have to speak with him regarding his behavior, the loud music, the outbursts (wait, who is the parent here?) it just gets worse for me.

Yeah, the tantrum only lasts for a few hours , maybe a day but it’s added stress until the eventual tugging of the ear and the “I’m sorry honey” which signals that he is no longer angry with me, which brings relief because all I ever wanted was to be genuinely loved.

Childhood, it most certainly leaves it’s mark and molds us into the adults we become. Most day’s I’m very proud of the woman that stares back at me in the mirror, but lately I’m wondering who she is.

I spend an awful amount of time crying and feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people. Granted, I just lost my mother, my marriage feels like it’s falling apart right now and my dad is slowly losing his grip. It’s a wonder how I’m not self medicating with anything harder than wine and hard seltzer…oh yea, it’s because I can’t afford it.

My heart is in a constant state of panic. I feel things I cannot see and it is a constant tug of war between reality and intuition, between feeling alive and feeling dead inside, between wanting to know and not knowing.

I feel like the answers I need are staring right at me but I’m too afraid to really see them, because what happens if I receive the answers I’m dreading , what will I do then? Will I be strong enough to do what’s best for me? I always have💜. The problem is I’m broken right now, still trying to heal from my mother’s untimely death, still trying to figure out this marriage thing (just because it’s my third doesn’t mean I’m an expert) and still trying to adjust to the changes with life in general.

I will always be thankful, that’s how I was raised to be. Thankful for every part of my life up til this point. For every lesson, for every love, for every lie. Thankful for every stone thrown my way because I have stacked them so high and used them to reach things not meant for me, I’ve used them to build walls to protect myself and throw them back when necessary.

Thankful for all the people that stood by me and cheered me on and especially thankful for those who thought I’d never be anything but a pretty face. Jokes on you.

Thankful for H, it’s been a struggle so far but we haven’t given up on each other. Not that we both have not created some pretty serious waves but we’re still staying afloat (see babe, you can swim 🏊🏾‍♂️).

Thankful that once again we have reached another Monday. Cheers to you and I🥂.

I’m Not Okay…

I’m Not Okay…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

And that’s okay. I’m allowed to not be okay right now.

Losing my mother has created a giant hole in my heart and some unanswered questions. This morning as I was getting ready for work and listening to the news I heard Mike woods (my local weather man) say that the first official day of summer is in a few days. That got me thinking.

My birthday was last week, June is sometimes blazing hot, sometimes springtime chilly. I started to wonder what the weather was like on the day of my birth, something I’ll probably never know, because this is the type of question only mother’s can answer.

I miss her, I miss her so much, even though I know it doesn’t show. I’ve become a master of hiding my feelings, sometimes so deep I forget they exist. Until one day when the seam is ripped open and they come spilling out like Tsunami’s destroy towns.

I miss her, and just want to know…”what was the weather like on the day I was born?”

I hope to get back to my regular routine soon. But please do not hesitate to send me any questions you may need advice on:

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Stay safe and be well

More time

More time

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Facebook has been reminding me that six years ago around this time we were celebrating Easter 🐣.

I looked through that album and not one picture with my mother. In all the photos she was either sitting in the background, talking to one of her grandkids or quietly sitting by herself 😔.

I’m trying really hard to remember this day and aside from the photos I don’t remember much. Only that it was probably like any other family function, where we all congregated in the kitchen getting drunk while my mother sat quietly in the corner, alone. My siblings always engaged her in conversation. I usually never did.

I didn’t mean to ignore her, I just thought I had more time. More time to take photos with her, more time to build memories, more time to show her I loved her.

It wasn’t until my husband entered my life that I began to see my parents more and for that I will always be grateful 💜. Grateful for the memories I might not have if it wasn’t for him.

I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid. I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. I wish that I was able to go back in time. I also wish I can remember this feeling of regret so that I don’t repeat my past mistake which is also my greatest regret.

I love you mom 💜 and I miss you.

Dancing Forever

Dancing Forever

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Yesterday I lost my mother due to complications from Covid-19. I. Am. Broken.

She was the best person I knew. Of course she had faults, family secrets hidden behind her dark purple almost black lipstick. But she was still my mother and I should have treated her as such.

I have a jazillion stories I want to share, but I can’t see through my tears right now. I can’t unfeel this heartbreak, I can’t go back in time.

I was proud of you and honored you were my mother even though I may have never showed it. Even when I may have seemed pissed to be burdened with your decisions.

You raised six kids basically on your own, worked multiple jobs, all while trying to make sure we had a wonderfully rich cultural childhood. I still remember the Cambodian protest you took me to when I was ten.

Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet reached my goal (living in a penthouse high above the city), even though it may seem as I could never settle down in life and even though I do not follow you in Christ.

I believe in Heaven and I’m comforted you are there. I hope that you are dancing to your hearts content without any of the pains the strokes have caused you. I pray you are looking down on all your children and their SO’s, grandchildren and spouse (my dad, but that’s what she called him lol). Watching how are hearts ache from the giant hole that was created when you left us.

You were right. I’d be sorry when you were gone. I love you mom 💜. Please forgive me💔.

Just Monday Stuff….

Just Monday Stuff….

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Monday again…and off to another bumpy start.Today I’m trying to remain as positive as can be but today seems more difficult for some reason.

I guess it’s partially because my brain has fast forwarded several weeks and I am already panicking about things that are further down the line, things that may never happen (good & bad).

Once again the weather is cold and gloomy and leaving a somber mood on my heart. Arguing with H is never fun, but I guess sometimes necessary? I mean how can we workout our differences if we pretend we don’t have any? Things always seem to smooth itself out very quickly and for that I’m grateful. But what about the in-between?

One of our biggest differences is that I could never walk away without kissing him goodbye and telling him I love him, even in my most furious state. You just never know when it will be someone’s last, and I would never want him to wonder if I still loved him. He on the other hand can.

I know it isn’t the end of the world but it certainly feels like it…yes, I am extra emotional lately. No, I don’t know how to turn it off. The holidays aren’t helping either. Shopping is just about done…but it just doesn’t feel the same this year.

A friend of mine’s “stepson” has passed away suddenly and it’s hitting kind of hard. I didn’t know him and he lived in another state but how does a 28 year old just suddenly pass away? Life…it’s short and highly unpredictable. Spend each day loving and cherishing the one’s in your life and peacefully letting go of those that no longer have a place.

Until tomorrow…

Just A Thought

Just A Thought

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I posted this on another site and wanted to share it here:

Death…

Honestly, I hate being this age…just slightly under the cusp of 50. We start losing friends…lose, like we misplaced them. No the loss is more permanent, the loss is to cancer, heart disease or natural causes.

But what is natural about dying in your 50’s and how soon will it be before death approaches me? I say this with each passing friend and loved one but I mean it this time…

I’m going to love those  I love like there is no tomorrow and forgive those I don’t like they never existed.  I will never allow another person to steal my joy and if  do I will only hold myself accountable!

Life is too short, and death is forever and I don’t want to spend another moment worrying about life, when I should be to busy enjoying it! I want to greet each new adventure (ones that keep my feet firmly planted on the ground of course) with a warm welcoming hug. I want to travel this tiny world and have amazing stories to tell my grandchildren. I want to be ALIVE!

For, if I don’t…then death has already won.