Tag: Dying

Miss You Much 💔

Miss You Much 💔

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

I thought that by writing this at work I could avoid the waterfall of tears that are sure to come. I was wrong. It has been a whole year since you left this earth and the pain of your departure has not lessened.

You have missed so much and yet it feels like time has stood still for all of us. I can still hear your footsteps and laughter in the apartment and see your beautiful smile every time I close my eyes.

The weather today is the perfect reflection of how I feel. It is pouring outside, a gray and stormy day, just like inside my heart and head. No comfort for me today, I have to be strong at work. Just like I know the many days you you went in but often cried in the bathroom.

I wish you were here mom and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what you would do if you were in my shoes. I still need advice I still need my mom. I know that I acted like I knew it all, I was just trying to be strong…I guess to prepare myself for the day you were no longer here. It didn’t work.

I know you watch over us though and that does bring me great comfort. I feel you in this room, the room you spent much of the last days of your life. The home where you brought the family together.

H and I are getting ready to embark on the next part of our journey, a place to call our very own. I just hope that I can take the memory of you with me. I know that you would be so happy for me. I just wish you were here to visit me.

They say that everything happens for a reason but I will never understand why you were taken so soon. God must have needed you for something big.

So for now, I’m going to wipe my tears and woman up and be strong like I know you would. Thank you mom for making me the woman I am today. Please don’t stop guiding me in the right direction. I may not always pick the path you would but the destination is always the same.

Sleep in peace my beautiful mother, rest easy knowing that we are all okay. Your beautiful new grand baby and all your future grands will know of you and the remarkable and incredible woman you were.

I love you and miss you much.

~J

Buy The Flowers

Buy The Flowers

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Yesterday while I was out shopping I tried to find some more artificial purple roses for my mom. I usually buy them when I see them and then instead of giving them to her myself, I just give then to my dad so that he may gently arrange them on her grave.

I don’t ever recall him bringing her flowers so I’m pretty sure she is watching from Heaven pretty amused and if I’m being quite honest, I don’t think I did either. I never even really paid attention to the color purple. Now when I see a Purple rose/flower I HAVE to buy it…for dad of course.

What is it about death that deserves flowers? How come we don’t fill our loved ones arms with flowers while they are alive to enjoy them? Miss Anne Frank has answered this best.

 ‘Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.’

~Anne Frank

Last night I asked H for some fresh flowers for my new vase, I wasn’t fishing but it did remind me of an argument we had a couple of weeks ago right after I bought the vase.

I asked him for fresh flowers to fill it, a few days went by and it still remained empty. So without thinking I bought myself a bouquet of artificial white roses. I didn’t mean it as a sign of impatience with him I just hated seeing the vase empty. And fresh flowers can be expensive, so I just wanted the artificial roses on hand for times we can’t afford them.

I can hear him now…”Babe, I will always be able to afford to buy you flowers!” He absolutely hates when I talk about money or rather when I don’t talk about money. He hates that I don’t ask for financial help until I’m on my last quarter. I hate that I asked for flowers.

Not because I don’t think I deserve them, not because I don’t think he will get them but because given the current climate, it seems like such a trivial thing to ask for. But what if mom would have asked for purple roses…would I have run out to buy them as I do now? I don’t think so. Because flowers are for the dead and regret is stronger than gratitude and I always learn the lesson after it’s been taught.

Buy the flowers, don’t wait for special occasions to wear that special dress, don’t wait to learn the meaning of regret. Practice gratitude so that when the time comes you will have no regrets. Live, Love, and live and love some more.

This was short but I hope sweet.

Jai

More time

More time

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Facebook has been reminding me that six years ago around this time we were celebrating Easter 🐣.

I looked through that album and not one picture with my mother. In all the photos she was either sitting in the background, talking to one of her grandkids or quietly sitting by herself 😔.

I’m trying really hard to remember this day and aside from the photos I don’t remember much. Only that it was probably like any other family function, where we all congregated in the kitchen getting drunk while my mother sat quietly in the corner, alone. My siblings always engaged her in conversation. I usually never did.

I didn’t mean to ignore her, I just thought I had more time. More time to take photos with her, more time to build memories, more time to show her I loved her.

It wasn’t until my husband entered my life that I began to see my parents more and for that I will always be grateful 💜. Grateful for the memories I might not have if it wasn’t for him.

I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid. I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. I wish that I was able to go back in time. I also wish I can remember this feeling of regret so that I don’t repeat my past mistake which is also my greatest regret.

I love you mom 💜 and I miss you.

Dancing Forever

Dancing Forever

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Yesterday I lost my mother due to complications from Covid-19. I. Am. Broken.

She was the best person I knew. Of course she had faults, family secrets hidden behind her dark purple almost black lipstick. But she was still my mother and I should have treated her as such.

I have a jazillion stories I want to share, but I can’t see through my tears right now. I can’t unfeel this heartbreak, I can’t go back in time.

I was proud of you and honored you were my mother even though I may have never showed it. Even when I may have seemed pissed to be burdened with your decisions.

You raised six kids basically on your own, worked multiple jobs, all while trying to make sure we had a wonderfully rich cultural childhood. I still remember the Cambodian protest you took me to when I was ten.

Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet reached my goal (living in a penthouse high above the city), even though it may seem as I could never settle down in life and even though I do not follow you in Christ.

I believe in Heaven and I’m comforted you are there. I hope that you are dancing to your hearts content without any of the pains the strokes have caused you. I pray you are looking down on all your children and their SO’s, grandchildren and spouse (my dad, but that’s what she called him lol). Watching how are hearts ache from the giant hole that was created when you left us.

You were right. I’d be sorry when you were gone. I love you mom 💜. Please forgive me💔.

Just Monday Stuff….

Just Monday Stuff….

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Monday again…and off to another bumpy start.Today I’m trying to remain as positive as can be but today seems more difficult for some reason.

I guess it’s partially because my brain has fast forwarded several weeks and I am already panicking about things that are further down the line, things that may never happen (good & bad).

Once again the weather is cold and gloomy and leaving a somber mood on my heart. Arguing with H is never fun, but I guess sometimes necessary? I mean how can we workout our differences if we pretend we don’t have any? Things always seem to smooth itself out very quickly and for that I’m grateful. But what about the in-between?

One of our biggest differences is that I could never walk away without kissing him goodbye and telling him I love him, even in my most furious state. You just never know when it will be someone’s last, and I would never want him to wonder if I still loved him. He on the other hand can.

I know it isn’t the end of the world but it certainly feels like it…yes, I am extra emotional lately. No, I don’t know how to turn it off. The holidays aren’t helping either. Shopping is just about done…but it just doesn’t feel the same this year.

A friend of mine’s “stepson” has passed away suddenly and it’s hitting kind of hard. I didn’t know him and he lived in another state but how does a 28 year old just suddenly pass away? Life…it’s short and highly unpredictable. Spend each day loving and cherishing the one’s in your life and peacefully letting go of those that no longer have a place.

Until tomorrow…

Just A Thought

Just A Thought

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I posted this on another site and wanted to share it here:

Death…

Honestly, I hate being this age…just slightly under the cusp of 50. We start losing friends…lose, like we misplaced them. No the loss is more permanent, the loss is to cancer, heart disease or natural causes.

But what is natural about dying in your 50’s and how soon will it be before death approaches me? I say this with each passing friend and loved one but I mean it this time…

I’m going to love those  I love like there is no tomorrow and forgive those I don’t like they never existed.  I will never allow another person to steal my joy and if  do I will only hold myself accountable!

Life is too short, and death is forever and I don’t want to spend another moment worrying about life, when I should be to busy enjoying it! I want to greet each new adventure (ones that keep my feet firmly planted on the ground of course) with a warm welcoming hug. I want to travel this tiny world and have amazing stories to tell my grandchildren. I want to be ALIVE!

For, if I don’t…then death has already won.