Tag: Fear

What would mom do?

What would mom do?

by Queen PeašŸ‘øšŸ» ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyday I lay in the same spot you did wondering how many days and nights you stared up at the ceiling or out the window wishing your mother was here to guide you. I wish you were here.

I’m an emotional mess these days, but I don’t have to tell you that, you can see everything. I know you see periods of me forgetting to eat or softening my pain with alcohol. Taking sleeping pills that don’t work to fall into a sleep that never comes. Sleep I so desperately need to fill the gaps of loneliness and uncertainty that never seemed to close.

If you knew everything that you knew when you died…would you still have done it all the exact same way? I believe I would but with exceptions, I would not have stayed in such terrible relationships for as long as I did, accepting so little of what I deserved. Maybe I would have found love sooner and not have wasted what was the last of my precious childbearing years.

School, I would have definitely finished school and gotten my degree in social work. I probably still would not be living in a penthouse but I may be in a more comfortable financial situation than I am now. BTW, do you remember why I told you I wanted to live in a penthouse? It was because dad is afraid of heights and I could hide from him there. Look at me now.

I don’t mean to sound sad, but I am. My life is different now and I’m not sure I have the strength for anymore change. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and nothing, not any relationship, friendship nor any job on earth will top the the loss of my mother, not a one. And just because it is natural order, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Actually, the loss of one of my children would be worse and that is something I hope I never have to live through fore I would cut out my own beating heart just to give it to them.

How did you do it? Daily life, juggling everything that was important to you and everything that your family needed? Did you ever have a hard time asking for the things you needed? Did you ever want to run away? I did…I have and it was the hardest decision I made in my relationship with H.

I didn’t even really mean to run away, it all happened so fast that it actually felt like it was a dream, swiftly yet I moved in slow motion as my heart raced, wondering if I made the right decision. Was it worth it? I dunno, a lot could have transpired over the 48 hours we were apart and although I did not get the result I had hoped for I did get sometime to do some soul searching.

I felt brave and strong and yes scared. But there was an unbelievable calmness that came over me as I examined my life from all angles.

No couple is perfect, we’re no exception. Iā€™m trying to find my voice and speak up for what I want before it becomes what I wanted. The problem with speaking up is what happens if I donā€™t receive the answers I hoped for?

Iā€™m trying to not let my anxiety dictate my fears over facts but I feel like Iā€™m losing my grasp. Iā€™m incredibly broken right now.

Do I believe weā€™re soulmates? Yes, but somewhere along the way we got disconnected from each other. Can we get back to the place we once were? Iā€™m hopeful.

The problem with relationships is that if you speak with your family and friends they form well meaning intentions and ill feelings towards your SO. Once the dust settles and you decide to work things out they seem to be less forgiving. So Iā€™m suffering in silence.

Iā€™ve been relying a lot on prayers and readings these days and Iā€™m thisshy from seeking professional help. So please my dear sweet mother, who had a heart of gold and was the Queen of forgiveness, the woman who saw the goodness in everyone…what would you do?

*If any of my friends or family are reading this, weā€™re okay. Just trying to figure some things out and get back to the place we once were.

More time

More time

by Queen PeašŸ‘øšŸ» ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Facebook has been reminding me that six years ago around this time we were celebrating Easter šŸ£.

I looked through that album and not one picture with my mother. In all the photos she was either sitting in the background, talking to one of her grandkids or quietly sitting by herself šŸ˜”.

Iā€™m trying really hard to remember this day and aside from the photos I donā€™t remember much. Only that it was probably like any other family function, where we all congregated in the kitchen getting drunk while my mother sat quietly in the corner, alone. My siblings always engaged her in conversation. I usually never did.

I didnā€™t mean to ignore her, I just thought I had more time. More time to take photos with her, more time to build memories, more time to show her I loved her.

It wasnā€™t until my husband entered my life that I began to see my parents more and for that I will always be grateful šŸ’œ. Grateful for the memories I might not have if it wasnā€™t for him.

I just wish I wouldnā€™t have been so stupid. I wish I wouldnā€™t have been so stubborn. I wish that I was able to go back in time. I also wish I can remember this feeling of regret so that I donā€™t repeat my past mistake which is also my greatest regret.

I love you mom šŸ’œ and I miss you.

If you could change anything about your past what would it be?

If you could change anything about your past what would it be?

by Queen PeašŸ‘øšŸ» ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

If you could change anything about your past what would it be?

I don’t know if there is anything I would change, I feel that most if not all of my experiences have made me the woman I am today.

I’m a mostly strong, mostly confident woman, that may have had some struggles but am also smart enough to always learn something from every situation and see my way out of them. Sometimes with the help of others but often on my own.

Why do I say I’m mostly strong & confident? Because I’m being honest. There are some days when I do struggle to get out of bed and get moving and I have to give myself major pep-talks. Actually it seems I have to give myself major pep-talks everyday lately.

But I guess if I had to change one thing it would probably be; Iā€™d go back into time and prevent my self from being sexually assaulted. Raped to be exact.

I would not have gotten back with my ex, I would not have gone to his friends house and if even if I couldnā€™t change the predestined course of the act I would have made sure I reported it so I would not have to live with the shame and the guilt in silence for so many years.

But even through this horrible act I came out stronger. Yes, some of my coping mechanisms were unhealthy and dangerous, but I found temporary relief in taking back my body

So yea, thatā€™d be the one thing Iā€™d change. But I wouldnā€™t want to change me. I love myself even on my worst days, and thatā€™s one thing Iā€™d never want to change.

*One day, Iā€™ll write more about this, in the hopes I might be able to help someone else.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If youā€™d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Strength Under Pressure

Strength Under Pressure

by Queen PeašŸ‘øšŸ» ♥ 2 Comments

I want to share with everyone something absolutely terrifying that happened earlier this morning. I have no advice, no words of wisdom, I can only say it’s a lesson learned and I’m hoping that this may help someone else.

Our current living situation is a transitional one, we are currently renting a room. I know some people can be judgmental and it may not be ideal but for now, it’s where we call home. And honestly I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a long time behind these tiny four walls.

I found the room on craigslist and after an initial dispute with the “Room-Lord” over the price of the room(his girlfriend said one thing, he said another), everything seemed to have smoothed out and for the last year everything was okay. Until this morning.

It was approximately 7:20 am. I was harassing my Fiance trying to wake him up and escort me to work by marking up his face with my bold red lipstick kisses (he calls me the kissing bandit). And that’s when I heard it, the police breaking into the apartment. There was so much commotion and noise coming from the room next door, the yelling still resonates in my head. At this point I was desperately trying to wake him, when the police broke down our bedroom door.

They burst into the door and made us get up and cuffed us both and sat us back on the bed. We were cuffed for over an hour, it was the longest and one of the worse hours of my life. I just sat there thinking about how one persons actions can affect everyone else.

I was afraid, more like terrified. Although, I know H and I have not committed any crimes I was fearful how we would be affected by this. I started to worry about my job which I was already late to, I was worried about if they found anything in the apartment and being arrested for something we had no knowledge of, and I was worried about how that would affect his military career.

We tried our best while cuffed to make light of the situation, we have our little inside jokes and just feeling his warmth next to me kept me calm. So to the outside world we probably looked like two ding-dongs but that’s how we get through everything…with laughter. I think the detectives noticed as well and I think they enjoyed our comedic banter.

They finally released us and after awhile we were able to get back into our room . It was hard staring at the broken door and thinking about all the worse ways this could have gone down. But now we have to think about what comes next.

I wound up going to work very late but only stayed 3 hours. The problem when you rent a room is you really don’t have any rights. H let me know that due to the incident that happened the property manager was coming by to speak with him. I just couldn’t stay at work any longer, my head and my heart wasn’t in it. All I could think about was now on top of being traumatized I was going to wind up being homeless too.

I came home and had my well deserved mental break down and I feel slightly better now. Although we have to be out by November 1st, we have a plan.

The way I hope this post can help others is by one…Please be mindful of the life you live and how it affects others. It appears my room-lord was involved in highly illegal activities (aside from illegally renting rooms) and that has trickled down and affected everyone else in the apartment. Please don’t drag others into it.

Also try and do your homework when renting a room, if you have the means run a background check on the person and the property. See if you can be put on the lease or at the very least speak with the property manager to see if there are any laws prohibiting them from renting you the room.

At the end of today I’ve learned a lot about myself; I’m strong but it’s okay to have a breakdown, 100 % guaranteed I’m not done crying and worrying, it’s just in my nature. I also learned that as long as H is by my side I can get through anything….and I’m ready for whatever adventure life has in store for us next.