Tag: Love

New Beginnings

New Beginnings

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

There has been so much going on lately, I don’t even know where to start.

But I guess this is as good a place as any…

My husband has decided to re-enlist into the Army. It has been such a difficult time for me lately. So many changes and so fast, but as with everything else in my life I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to be.

Back in May when this journey began I had no idea it would move so swiftly but it was with almost lightning speed that it has taken off. The hurdles he once faced were no longer an issue, the circumstances of our lives seemed to fall right into this decision and my need to build a new life with him away from the city that I once loved, grew more each day. So I was one hundred percent on board.

At first there was some resistance from family and friends, mostly they were being selfish lol and didn’t want to bear the thought of how boring their lives would be without me (just kidding guys lol) but they have all adjusted pretty quickly. Especially when they think of all the (hopefully) exotic places they may get to visit me.

Aside from the above mentioned reasons I have other reasons for wanting this so badly, for one…what kind of wife would I be if I didn’t support my husband’s dreams and goals? And I supported them all. Whether it was his goal to finish his degree and become a lawyer or when he learned a new trade and became an elevator mechanic or when he wanted to run for Mayor of NYC. I have always supported him and tried my very best to not only help him reach but surpass his goals. Some are still works in progress and I support that.

But this is a big one, life changing for me. I don’t have any real reservations about leaving. Two of my three children are adults and are more self sufficient than I am. My youngest, a 16 year old girl, will come and visit me wherever I may be and it is a small hope in my heart that she will love it and want to stay forever. My children know that no matter where I am in the world that I love them and they can still come to me for anything.

My fears are probably silly, but they are rooted from things that have happened in the past. Things that have occurred in my current relationship as well as previous ones, things that I’m still healing from. I am afraid to lose some of the independence I have gained in the last few years, but I’m also looking forward to being able to take it easy for awhile. As of late, work has been killing me, a job I once loved now brings me to tears. Most days when I get home from work I collapse into my bed and don’t want to speak to anyone but H…I miss him terribly.

I miss him, and when I am away I will miss my family and my friends and when I come back to visit I’ll long for the place that we call home. Like he says, I’m never happy, always unsatisfied and finding something to complain about. But that’s life and I know that I deserve the very best of everything.

Last month I celebrated my birthday…my 49th. Actually, I feel like I am still celebrating. Every weekend has been filled with so many gatherings with my family and friends. I am definitely well loved. I miss H, but I know he is away taking care of business and preparing a wonderful life for us. This year I only cried happy tears for my birthday.

So I guess in closing out this entry and as I prepare to embark on a new journey, as well as the second half of my life. I think the most important thing I want you take away from this is that…I am happy. Come what may…I will be happy. And happiness is the best revenge against those that wished to see me fail. Boom.

Please follow my other blog Jai’s Journey for all the latest updates on my journey as a Army wife.

One +One=Three

One +One=Three

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

A Man Has Two Women. He Lies To One, The Other One He Is Completely Honest With. Which One Does He Love? The answer is simple. Neither.

The same can be said for women. Nothing is more sillier to me (IMO) than a woman that 1. thinks her husband loves her more because he comes home every night after a hard day of cheating or 2. the woman that thinks he loves her more because he chooses to break his vows to be with her. There are zero winners here. Not even the man.

I’ve had the unfortunate luck of being one of these women. Can you guess which one? If you said the (for lack of a better word) side piece you are correct. It’s not something I am proud of, but it also wasn’t the worst demoralizing moments of my life. I was a grownup and made a grown up decision to enter that type of relationship willing. I’m neither proud nor ashamed.

I can tell you, I’ve had many panic attacks when my phone would ring during odd hours of the night from a private caller wondering if it would be his wife calling to give me a piece of her mind. It never was. As a good side piece, I never lost my place or stepped out of my lane. I knew my place was in the bed of a sometimes quaint hotel and nothing more existed outside of those walls. Also, I wasn’t foolish enough to think if his marriage imploded because me that he would suddenly realize that I was the one he should have chosen from the beginning. My life is not a Rom-Com.

So I thought about what dumb thing I would say if she ever did call me, and yeah they would all be pretty dumb. Hurtful actually, because that was my mindset at the time. I did my best to hide in the shadows, if he was carless it was because he wanted to be caught. And that is your argument with him.

These are imaginary conversations to me, but I’m sure women and men all over the world are having them right now. So here goes, please keep in mind these have no basis on my current life.

The Wife

So this is the woman that my husband can’t seem to stay from. Aren’t you tired of being lonely? Yes, he might steal moments away from his family to play with you but that’s exactly what you are, a toy. He will never give you any real significant time, not on the days that count, like holidays. Those days are reserved for the people he loves, his family.

Do you enjoy stalking my social media? I keep just enough of it public for you, to remind you of your place. I’m the one he’s building a future with, the one he goes on vacation with, the one he goes to sleep beside and the first person he sees in the morning.

What do you have? Text messages of broken promises and probably pictures you can never share. I know he’s probably dumb enough to take pictures with you to give you a false sense of security and I’m sure he has threatened you that if you expose them it’s over. Please. Post them. And he will be all yours. Give me my freedom.

The Other woman

If you’re so smart, then why are you still with him. He obviously doesn’t love you since he still comes to me. He tells me all about you. You don’t cook, you don’t clean and it goes with out saying, you suck in bed. All those things he likes in bed…yeah I do them. Does he love me? No. But he doesn’t love you either. Stolen moments? Yeah they are, but at least when he’s with me, I know he isn’t with you. He doesn’t take your calls or answer your messages and feeds you lame stories that you buy.

I might not get to go away on fancy vacations or spend holiday’s with him but he tells me that he wishes it was me that was with him and that’s enough for me. I’m not so dumb to believe that if I were in your shoes he would be different. I’d rather be in my place, his side bitch the one he comes to when he needs to talk without being criticized, the one he comes to when the stress of his life with YOU becomes to much for him to bear.

When he’s not with me, I know he’s with you. When he’s not with you, he could be with anyone else and that must keep you up at night. Now you tell me which position is worse? I’d rather be me and continue to have a life than be you, a woman that settled because you think he will change. He won’t. If its not me, there will always be someone else.

The Truth

This man loves neither woman, I don’t think he even has the capacity to love himself. The reality is men and women cheat because they can. They will use every excuse under the sun to justify it but you can be the perfect spouse and still get cheated on. It takes a certain level of maturity and honesty to be in a relationship which some people have not yet reached.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. If your wife hasn’t cooked, maybe find out why and instead of cheating help them with the reasons. If your husband doesn’t seem to be paying attention to you, ask him if he’s okay and help him solve the issues that are weighing him down.

I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheating. I was honest with my ex-husband when I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, but the years leading up to it is where the real communication should have began. I should have told him what made me unhappy and when I was sad and why. But I chose to reman silent until there was no other option.

Do I regret it? No. But do I regret the extra years wasted hoping everything would turn around like magic. But there is nothing magical about marriage, it’s hard work, commitment, honesty, faithfulness understanding and most importantly respect. Without mutual respect for each other you have nothing except two people playing house just waiting for the next best thing to come along.

Be good to one another. Be faithful . And if you find you can be neither, be honest and let them go.

Am I worried my husband will cheat? Of course I am, not because I’m not a good woman, not because he is a bad man. Sometimes Karma comes wrapped in everything you ever wanted in a person to teach you a lesson. And sometimes Karma is the prison you created from your past.

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I woke up today and for that I want to say thank you. My life has been a complete mess lately and I know I have began to lose sight of all the little things we take for granted. Like waking up, like having a soft pillow to lay my head on and everything in between.

I’ve even taken Monday’s for granted, not everyone will be blessed to make it to next Monday. So for all of us that have made it to this one…cheers to you and I. Life is too short, repeat after me…LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

It’s become sort of a mantra lately, whenever I become upset with a person or a situation or anything actually, I quietly remind myself that life is too short to be unhappy and I have the power to change it. Being unhappy is a choice not a given, so why choose it.

I started to draft this two Monday’s ago but was unable to complete it due to events that happened when I got home.

Two weeks ago, my dad decided he wanted to end it all, fortunately his attempt was unsuccessful. But it really got me thinking how suicide is truly a selfish act. It leaves behind your loved ones wondering if there was anything they could do to stop you. And the honest truth is for someone that truly wants to end their life there is nothing that will stop them, only they can stop themselves. I know, I have been in that position more than once in my life.

It isn’t fair to to the family, we all have lives too. Some of us live there, some are near and some are across the country. We are not trained professionals, we should not be held accountable for someone else’s actions, and no one should aim to blame anyone if he did manage to do it. I know this coming from the other side of the pill bottle. I was a selfish teen/young woman and while my reasons may have seemed valid, they were most definitely NOT.

I…am still after all these years seeking my father’s approval. Which is why I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Every time I have to speak with him regarding his behavior, the loud music, the outbursts (wait, who is the parent here?) it just gets worse for me.

Yeah, the tantrum only lasts for a few hours , maybe a day but it’s added stress until the eventual tugging of the ear and the “I’m sorry honey” which signals that he is no longer angry with me, which brings relief because all I ever wanted was to be genuinely loved.

Childhood, it most certainly leaves it’s mark and molds us into the adults we become. Most day’s I’m very proud of the woman that stares back at me in the mirror, but lately I’m wondering who she is.

I spend an awful amount of time crying and feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people. Granted, I just lost my mother, my marriage feels like it’s falling apart right now and my dad is slowly losing his grip. It’s a wonder how I’m not self medicating with anything harder than wine and hard seltzer…oh yea, it’s because I can’t afford it.

My heart is in a constant state of panic. I feel things I cannot see and it is a constant tug of war between reality and intuition, between feeling alive and feeling dead inside, between wanting to know and not knowing.

I feel like the answers I need are staring right at me but I’m too afraid to really see them, because what happens if I receive the answers I’m dreading , what will I do then? Will I be strong enough to do what’s best for me? I always haveđź’ś. The problem is I’m broken right now, still trying to heal from my mother’s untimely death, still trying to figure out this marriage thing (just because it’s my third doesn’t mean I’m an expert) and still trying to adjust to the changes with life in general.

I will always be thankful, that’s how I was raised to be. Thankful for every part of my life up til this point. For every lesson, for every love, for every lie. Thankful for every stone thrown my way because I have stacked them so high and used them to reach things not meant for me, I’ve used them to build walls to protect myself and throw them back when necessary.

Thankful for all the people that stood by me and cheered me on and especially thankful for those who thought I’d never be anything but a pretty face. Jokes on you.

Thankful for H, it’s been a struggle so far but we haven’t given up on each other. Not that we both have not created some pretty serious waves but we’re still staying afloat (see babe, you can swim 🏊🏾‍♂️).

Thankful that once again we have reached another Monday. Cheers to you and I🥂.

What would mom do?

What would mom do?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyday I lay in the same spot you did wondering how many days and nights you stared up at the ceiling or out the window wishing your mother was here to guide you. I wish you were here.

I’m an emotional mess these days, but I don’t have to tell you that, you can see everything. I know you see periods of me forgetting to eat or softening my pain with alcohol. Taking sleeping pills that don’t work to fall into a sleep that never comes. Sleep I so desperately need to fill the gaps of loneliness and uncertainty that never seemed to close.

If you knew everything that you knew when you died…would you still have done it all the exact same way? I believe I would but with exceptions, I would not have stayed in such terrible relationships for as long as I did, accepting so little of what I deserved. Maybe I would have found love sooner and not have wasted what was the last of my precious childbearing years.

School, I would have definitely finished school and gotten my degree in social work. I probably still would not be living in a penthouse but I may be in a more comfortable financial situation than I am now. BTW, do you remember why I told you I wanted to live in a penthouse? It was because dad is afraid of heights and I could hide from him there. Look at me now.

I don’t mean to sound sad, but I am. My life is different now and I’m not sure I have the strength for anymore change. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and nothing, not any relationship, friendship nor any job on earth will top the the loss of my mother, not a one. And just because it is natural order, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Actually, the loss of one of my children would be worse and that is something I hope I never have to live through fore I would cut out my own beating heart just to give it to them.

How did you do it? Daily life, juggling everything that was important to you and everything that your family needed? Did you ever have a hard time asking for the things you needed? Did you ever want to run away? I did…I have and it was the hardest decision I made in my relationship with H.

I didn’t even really mean to run away, it all happened so fast that it actually felt like it was a dream, swiftly yet I moved in slow motion as my heart raced, wondering if I made the right decision. Was it worth it? I dunno, a lot could have transpired over the 48 hours we were apart and although I did not get the result I had hoped for I did get sometime to do some soul searching.

I felt brave and strong and yes scared. But there was an unbelievable calmness that came over me as I examined my life from all angles.

No couple is perfect, we’re no exception. I’m trying to find my voice and speak up for what I want before it becomes what I wanted. The problem with speaking up is what happens if I don’t receive the answers I hoped for?

I’m trying to not let my anxiety dictate my fears over facts but I feel like I’m losing my grasp. I’m incredibly broken right now.

Do I believe we’re soulmates? Yes, but somewhere along the way we got disconnected from each other. Can we get back to the place we once were? I’m hopeful.

The problem with relationships is that if you speak with your family and friends they form well meaning intentions and ill feelings towards your SO. Once the dust settles and you decide to work things out they seem to be less forgiving. So I’m suffering in silence.

I’ve been relying a lot on prayers and readings these days and I’m thisshy from seeking professional help. So please my dear sweet mother, who had a heart of gold and was the Queen of forgiveness, the woman who saw the goodness in everyone…what would you do?

*If any of my friends or family are reading this, we’re okay. Just trying to figure some things out and get back to the place we once were.

Single and dating during a pandemic

Single and dating during a pandemic

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Single and dating during a pandemic

Being single and dating under even regular normal everyday circumstances can be nerve wracking and frustrating. So I can imagine it is that much more difficult during a pandemic.

Use this time and think positively. If you are currently on a dating app/website, this time of social distancing can be used to actually getting to know the person. No first date pressure at least for a while, just chatting and actual phone conversations.

If things are going well you can have a virtual first date. You can both set up a time you are available and share a meal over facetime or watch a movie or TV show. Social distancing doesn’t have to mean seclusion and being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.

We can finally get back to real conversations and getting to know each other. I think this is another way we can cut out some of the cat-fishing. I don’t even understand how cat-fishing is a thing nowadays with facetime and video apps. But if you have been a little dishonest about your appearance now is the time you can spruce yourself up a little bit.

But you shouldn’t be dishonest about your appearance or livelihood. The person who you fall in love with should love you for who you really are not who they think you are. I mean do you really want to spend the next pandemic with a-hole? I’d rather tough it out alone.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

New Norms

New Norms

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 2 Comments

Life as we know it is changing. Businesses are at a standstill, a majority of people are working from home which is making the streets eerily empty, but my local grocery store is jam packed with all of our nessecities with the exception of toilet paper and black beans (which are my husband’s favorite)…who knew black beans were an apocalypse must have? Not me, that’s for sure…but maybe that’s why we have a toilet paper shortage?

From the time I left work on Friday with the exception of a quick trip to the supermarket and McDonald’s on Saturday, we snuggled and stayed in the house. I just had to have that McDonald’s and wanted to stock up on some more meat. I was partly afraid to see empty shelves but was more horrified at the prices…really, 12$ for some drumsticks that aren’t even “Perdue”? They should be ashamed of themselves.

Shelter in place. Unfortunately/fortunately I’m not yet bound to this law, as my job still finds me essential. So much so that I have to carry around a note in case I get stopped by the authorities (Yay for income). But unfortunately it means I have to leave my nice warm bed and my husband for a little while which sucks (even though he doesn’t think, I think it sucks).

Shelter in place. I don’t know how to shelter or stay in place. I’m like a little jitterbug constantly moving around, usually flitting from one thing to another like a social butterfly. I thought hard about this, why do I still at 40-something years old still look out the window and pout on rainy days, like a child missing out on a grand birthday party. Or worse, when I can’t seem to make it out on a beautiful sunny day.

I thought long and hard about this, my husband said I’m like a child…he’s almost right. Being confined to the house was most of my childhood. I’ve already done shelter in place. My mother worked two jobs and my father was a hermit. I rarely got outside into the fresh air and bright sunshine. So I guess in a way I should be prepared for this, but I’m not.

But if I’m being honest, if my job gave me a choice I’d stay home, I come to work because I HAVE too. There are many that were not given a choice and many that may not have a job to return to. So I’m very grateful for the chance to still be working.

In the meantime. I’m also very grateful that on most days my husband can accompany me to work, just his presence alone makes me feel safe. I know that there isn’t much that can be done about someone coughing on me, but when he is with me people usually think twice about approaching me or even glancing in my direction.

I know it’s very selfish of me to ask him to take me (especially since we are using public transportation) I know it’s selfish to wake him from a deep sleep, and this is why I’m extremely grateful to have him in my life. I may not be so brave, if I were facing this pandemic alone. I’m so thankful that I’m not.

It seems this will be the new norm for awhile. Please be safe and be well♥️.

What are the 5 most important things in a relationship?

What are the 5 most important things in a relationship?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 2 Comments

What are the 5 most important things in a relationship?

In order for relationships to work, it takes more than two willing people in love, it takes two willing people in love to put in the hard work it requires. It takes being able to stand by each other through he good as well as the bad.

Honesty: Always be honest with each other. Even if it hurts. Now I’m not saying to just go about doing shitty things to each other, just because you will come clean about it. No, I’m talking about things like if you have been unfaithful explain to the best of your ability why, if you your feelings have changed, then why, If they do something that hurts you, why. But don’t only be honest about the bad things, be honest about everything. The things that make you happy, sad, uncomfortable. The things you feel need to work on, on yourself and or the relationship.

Trust: Trust is essential but can be hard especially if after being honest about infidelity but it is really the only way that the relationship can be salvaged after something like that. Trust can also be hard if you keep dwelling on the past and making your current partner pay for past relationship mistakes. I know I’m guilty of this. I sometimes make my husband pay for things or behaviors that my ex’es may have done or put me through and he the same with me. Also I feel like (well at least for me) that karma is coming for me big time through him. I wasn’t always a good woman and I am afraid that my relationship will fail because I did have a blatant disregard for other’s relationships. But once again if trust is an issue, be honest with your partner as to why.

Communication: Communication is always the key. Now I want everyone to keep in mind, something I’m also learning myself, is that although you may communicate how you feel it may not always render the results you were seeking. For example, it makes me unhappy when my husband does certain things and he knows this. I’ve communicated it to him several times. He in turn communicates to me his reasoning. I get it, it still makes me unhappy but I know that I at least communicated to him my feelings instead of letting it fester inside my brain/heart.

Compromise: In a relationship there is definitely A LOT of compromising going on. I don’t mean it in a bad way. Sometimes it’s over what to eat or what movie to see. It’s sometimes about choosing your battles.

Forgiveness: There is definitely A LOT of forgiveness as well. It’s true, we sometimes hurt the one’s we love. It shouldn’t be that way, but it’s what winds up happening, even if it’s unintentional. H and I have been through some things we have forgiven each other for. Forgiveness is not always a given, it’s a personal decision but it can be a lot to take on. It’s trusting that the other person won’t do it again. It’s placing yourself in a position to be vulnerable. Its also a personal decision only you can decide if you can live with it. Sometimes the only person you need to forgive is yourself.

Relationships take work, unfortunately not everyone is willing to put in the effort. I for one plan to put everything I have into this. Not because I’m afraid of another failed marriage but because I see something in him worth fighting for. I hope he sees the same in me.

What are some of the important things in your relationship? Please feel free to share below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Rejuvenation

Rejuvenation

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It feels like I blinked and my weekend was…poof… gone! For the most part I spent it just watching t.v. in bed, while my husband worked and enjoyed a boys night. Don’t feel sad for me though, my weekend was not without any fun. I did wind up going to my sister’s house for lunch and wedding planning on Sunday, which usually involves a lot of prosecco and a ton laughs.

It was actually a very productive afternoon, she helped me dye my hair and we caught up on family current events. The one thing we didn’t really get to do was…you guessed it, wedding plan lol. But I suppose I have a few more weeks before I need to make any solid decisions regarding the guest list.

This weekend really got me thinking though about how much I really do miss being social and active outside of the house. Unfortunately this usually always happens during the winter months when I tend to hibernate from the cold weather. But since being in a serious relationship and now a married woman I have unintentionally cut ties with a lot of my girlfriends.

I no longer have a neighborhood bar where I get treated like royalty and everyone knows my name. I no longer have painful feet because I danced til dawn on a Saturday night and I no longer have a let’s get drunk at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon squad, and frankly… I miss it.

I didn’t really realize how much until my husband brought it to my attention. I need something to do while he has guys nights, he’s not 80 years old and still enjoys going to clubs etc…but I’m not 80 years old either. The only difference is that while he has been able to maintain his friendships, I have allowed mine to fall to out of touch. I miss my friends dearly but life has taken me on another path.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wanna vomit in a field (not really) and dance til dawn (definitely) and and go day drinking on a Sunday afternoon (đź’Żdefinitely), but I also wanna build some dreams, make some money. I wanna hang with the girls planning a book club although we never pick a book or actually meet. I want to hang with women who inspire me to do better and have goals of their own.

The only issue with this is that these women are usually much younger than me. Take for example my work daughters, they are inspiring to the core, young and full of energy and dreams. Unfortunately I think women my age (middle) are content with their lives and just accept it is what it is. But I’m not. I’ve always wanted to do more. I’ve always wanted to do everything.

I think that’s part of the reason I feel the strong desire to go back to school and get my degree in social work (that and the sixty thousand dollars I owe on the degree I don’t yet have) or how I try to convince my husband who is interested in going into politics that we need to involve ourselves in community affairs, hand out turkeys etc. It’s ME, I have to do these things, and in doing these things I hope to meet like minded women.

So over the next few weeks I will be researching local organizations and seeing where my heart is being called to and trying to rekindle some old yet valuable friendships and also taking some time to explore my surroundings. My neighborhood is rich with history as well as culture and I love to learn about everything.

So happy belated woman’s Day and here’s to friendships new and old!

Happy Monday.

Good Vibes Only…

Good Vibes Only…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So, my anxiety is peaking again…I know why but I also don’t. It’s also sometimes hard to find that thin line between reality and imagination. Like I said being crazy is hard, but what’s even harder is trying to prove to other people you aren’t.

I’m learning to be able to trust my husband when sharing my anxiety, it’s sometimes hard because although he wants me to share my feelings with him I know it sometimes comes out as an accusation. Sometimes it is one and at other times it isn’t. Sometimes it solely about him and at other times it ‘s not. Unfortunately I’m still having trouble after all these years fine deciphering the mess that are my emotions.

Wednesday, I had for lack of a better word a “premonition”. I was on my way to work and we were on the phone. As I was crossing the street, there wasn’t a car in sight but I had felt a large impact on my right side, as if I was just hit by a car. I told him immediately, because the last time it happened my grandmother was hit by a car a few days after.

I experienced a few days of heightened anxiety due to other things, I kept mostly silent on these matters because I wasn’t really sure where they were originating from. I have been feeling sad and depressed and feeling immense grief lately. I can’t tell you why, because I’m not really sure. Our relationship did hit a few bumps over the weekend but nothing more than the usual bumps we experienced in the past.

But as things always do, things became more clear and I noticed somethings and then the voices of un-reason began to chime in and fill my head with thoughts of dishonestly.

It started with a phone call, a blast from my past decided it would make a brief reappearance. The details of the call aren’t even worth noting the most important thing is I told my husband, pretty much as soon as it happened. Well maybe not told, but texted I needed to tell him something and as soon as I got the chance I did.

Needless to say he was not thrilled and it led to a whole other conversation that bred even more anxiety for me, because sometimes when he is being less than honest his eyes tell on him. Well, they were telling on him big time and as hard as I tried to not listen to that little voice in my head the next day I had to just dig a little for some answers.

The first place I always look for answers is Consciousness Evolution Journey YouTube channel. She is scarily always on point and this time was no different. I don’t feel I can be open about the discovery as of yet. I’m still processing it and the events of the weekend. Desperately trying to find a healthy coping mechanism because my past ones are not healthy at all. But don’t worry, it wan’t life shattering, relationship ending information, but definite conversations that needed to be had.

As always, I never know how to convey what it is I want to say vocally ( I should probably just leave him 12 page letters going forward) so I’m sure it came out all wrong, which is why it ensued into a huge and very loud one sided discussion in the park. All I really wanted to say is “when you do certain things it hurts me”.

These discussions never last long and we soon were on our way home. I still felt raw and inconsolable (actually I still do) but always have to have a brave strong face, so know one ever really understands the pain I am feeling. After awhile of being home he was going to work and seeing his friend but I felt like it was more seeing his friend and may be work. But I didn’t say anything, I know I didn’t really have to. My energy changed and he knows it, but it didn’t stop him. But something else did and while I’m unhappy it occurred at all, I’m happy it when down the way it did.

When he got to the car it was damaged. Someone had it it hard, on the right side making it inoperable. I know he’s upset, that’s the way he makes money, but I want him to see the bigger picture. He could have been in that car and we would be having a whole other conversation. I might be burying my husband instead of watching the car getting towed. I may not fully understand my emotions or premonitions, but I am thankful for the way it turned out.

Here are a few things I came away with this weekend:

Always go with your gut feelings, no matter how far fetched they may be. It’s always better to say how you feel, holding it in only hurts yourself. Keep myself focused and keep finding healthy coping mechanisms to get through situations I can’t change.

Monday’s just about over but I hope everyone had a great one. Monday’s can set the precedent for your week but it shouldn’t. If your Monday wasn’t absolutely amazing, go for a Terrific Tuesday.

Have a good night 🌙.

Muesday…

Muesday…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyone always asks…WTF is a Muesday? Well, it’s a Monday that’s cleverly disguised itself as a Tuesday. I hate Muesday’s I always feel like I’m a day behind.

But here we are unable to avoid it. I realized I have posted in about a week and besides being inundated with work and life in general, I really have no good excuse. So let’s catch up.

Last week flew by for me. My husband’s birthday plus Valentine’s day ( Yes, he is a V-day baby) was fast approaching and while I had all of the details worked out (his gift, the restaurant, inviting my mother-in-law) I sill had A LOT going on emotionally.

I prepared “Great Heart❤” boxes for our perspective children and tried to find last minute goodies and treats for them and make sure they were all equal (even made one his children’s step sister from a previous relationship). I know he dislikes when I do that, but my heart is not designed to disappoint any child.

Two years ago during V-day week we were going through a very hard and painful time (currently working on a post dedicated that) and the memories although for the most part almost escaped us this year, they of course resurfaced as memories do.But in an effort to create new memories and new beginnings and adventures we didn’t harp to much on it.

Part of the new beginnings was spending time with his mother on V-day/his birthday. It for the most part went off without a hitch. Did I feel nervous? Extremely. She was tolerant of me, I’m guessing because she knew the only way she would get to see him was if I was present. I can admit it now, I was afraid it would wind up being two hours of them talking among themselves and leaving me out of the conversation.

But No, my husband was an absolute angel. He sat next to me and made sure to include me in every conversation. She wasn’t cold to me and she eventually stopped sitting with her arms across her chest in defensive mode. Will we be the best of friends? Probably not, but we both love the same man (obviously very differently) and must learn to co-exist.

Now, onto the big question….did we or didn’t we…go to do that thing??? Yes, we did and I don’t know what I really expected but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be? I hate to mention what it was because I feel like the whole world becomes judgmental if you do something outside of the norm, but here it goes…

It was a swinger’s club. Now, we don’t swing and we don’t swap (not that there is anything wrong with it, it’s just not for me) but I guess for me it was out of curiosity. The best way I could describe it was like, Live Action Porn… a Porn Play…with audience participation. It was like a club, but instead of music videos playing on the T.v.s porn was playing.

No, no one by any means is required to participate, some like us just go for the atmosphere and the curiosity. I have to say aside from biggest fear, which was my husband wanting to put his🍆 in someone else (I would have cut off said🍆) . I thought all the women would look like the flyer. You know, how clubs always find the most beautiful people to advertise their events (which is smart) but it makes regular people like me feel like eh (a sack of potatoes). But this wasn’t the case at all.

There were different people of all shapes and sizes and everyone seemed very relaxed and probably friendly if my guard wasn’t so high. Did the night end well? For the most part, we went, we saw, and will probably return. Is this for everyone? Definitely not.

My message for this Muesday…Don’t be afraid to try new things. Whether it’s your relationship or career etc. It’s better to have lived than to live with regrets of not trying something new. Unless of course you are afraid of heights, so my love, my darling husband, this was my version of skydiving, please make sure you catch me.

Go be great!