Road to recovery: My Covid non-Journal, the final entry.

March 3, 2021March 3, 2021 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I planned to make this journal entries, but my experience with Covid was fast and furious and has kept me asleep for most of it. First and foremost, thankfully I was not hospitalized although there were a few times I thought I might need to be. It became difficult to breathe around day 8, and my biggest fear was to die alone. So yes, I guess I was being completely selfish that I would rather have my husband wake up to a dead wife than to die alone and scared.

I just kept thinking of my mother and what she must have went through and as I stated it might have been a selfish act, because my husband is the one that would have found me, I was comforted at home with him surrounded by my things with my mother’s picture watching over me. So I chose to ride it out at home. Sorry to my family that may be reading this. I was scared.

The symptoms were mostly like the CDC advises. I slept for days on end, my fever creeped to 103.2, body aches like I was in a car accident. I vomited as well as other stomach issues. I couldn’t eat for days and when I could it was very little. Example I can eat a 10 piece McDonald’s chicken nuggets in a sitting. During my illness the 10 piece lasted me 3 days. And finally the coughing, which didn’t develop until the end but it was also pretty scary because it bought on my asthma and the chest pains.

If you have ever had bronchitis, that’s how it felt in my experience. The tightness in my chest and with every deep breath came a painful dry cough. H practically bought everything in the Walgreens cold medicine aisle and it kept me very comfortable in the remaining days. Thank you for taking such good care of me. I love you.

There are some symptoms the CDC doesn’t mention but I feel like they were related and as I speak with more people that had Covid I don’t feel so alone. I’m normally an emotional person by nature but these emotions felt over the top. I just couldn’t stop being sad and crying all the time. EVERYTHING and I mean everything made me cry.

My skin became waxy and always seemed wet, even after the fevers subsided. My skin also became very sensitive to touch. Water in the shower felt very heavy, it wasn’t painful but it was definitely a strange sensation, I felt like I was absorbing the water into my skin.

I never lost my sense of taste or smell, just the opposite. I did lose my appetite but once my appetite returned and I began eating again the taste of food seemed to be amplified on my taste buds and even temporarily ruined some of my favorite foods for me (don’t worry, I can once again eat my weight in wings).

My hair was already thinning but I noticed on the day I received my negative results (20 days after my positive result) as I was combing my hair significant amounts of clumps were in my hand. That just made me cry more. As someone who is already battling hair loss this is not something I wanted to see.

My back is giving me a lot of issues, pretty much from the day I “recovered”. It’s possible it’s due to the fact I was laying down for 3 weeks straight and I’m still laying down more than I’d like. I’m hoping once the weather warms up I can get out more. But for now this Covid cluster in my lower back is keeping me humbly aware I’m still not 100%.

I seem more confused lately too. I keep mixing up my words and I’m more forgetful than usual, not sure if this is the brain fog that people are mentioning. It’s becoming a bit embarrassing, I’m okay with it when speaking to husband, family or friends (they know I’m mostly smart) but when I’m speaking with a client or composing an email I don’t want to appear unintelligent and become flustered easily when I do slip.

I’m sure there are many other things I’m experiencing, I just can’t remember them now. I fear that in 2 years I will suddenly collapse and die and the doctors will find that it’s Covid related.

It was hell. I’m happy I made it through I know countless others including my own mom were not so lucky😔.

My experience has taught me something very valuable though I learned that I don’t want to be unhappy and to appreciate all the good people and things in my life no matter how small and to let go of things that are not conducive to my growth.

This is not to say that I’ve become an uncaring person just that not everyone or every situation deserves a reaction. I’m choosing my battles more wisely.

Besides, in the end…Goodness always reigns supreme.

Please stay safe everyone, continue to mask up, wash your hands and get vaccinated when you can.

Road To Recovery: My Covid Journal

January 21, 2021January 22, 2021 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Day 2, Thursday January 21st.

It’s been one day since I received my positive test result. And I feel like I’ve had this forever. So far, I’ve had an extremely high fever 103. But honestly even when its low 99 it feels high.

I’ve experienced lethargy, dehydration, confusion, loss of appetite. Thankfully the symptoms don’t last and and aside from the exhaustion and fever have not returned.

Yesterday my appetite finally returned after a 2 day hiatus. I knew it was too good to be true that I wasn’t eating my way through grubhub. It wasn’t self control it was the Vid😷. H picked up a giant fruit salad (party platter) and its the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.

For an early dinner he ordered a cheese stuffed crust pizza. It was yummy. But I think I ate too much, I have to remember I might feel momentarily better but my body is still fighting a virus.

Today I also began working from home full time. Just trying to keep busy and keep my mind sharp. It was a bit exhausting, but I’m hoping it gets easier with time.

It’s almost 6pm, and my head is killing me but I’m happy to report a normal temperature of 98.6. But unhappy to report a terrible pain in my neck, which is a new symptom.

I woke up from a nap without the neck pain but feeling a bit dazed. It’s taking all of my energy to peel an orange.

Calling it a night soon.

Time:10:40pm

Last dose of Tylenol:8pm

Current temp: 100.00

Comfort level ☺️-🥵: 😩

One +One=Three

January 7, 2021January 10, 2021 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

A Man Has Two Women. He Lies To One, The Other One He Is Completely Honest With. Which One Does He Love? The answer is simple. Neither.

The same can be said for women. Nothing is more sillier to me (IMO) than a woman that 1. thinks her husband loves her more because he comes home every night after a hard day of cheating or 2. the woman that thinks he loves her more because he chooses to break his vows to be with her. There are zero winners here. Not even the man.

I’ve had the unfortunate luck of being one of these women. Can you guess which one? If you said the (for lack of a better word) side piece you are correct. It’s not something I am proud of, but it also wasn’t the worst demoralizing moments of my life. I was a grownup and made a grown up decision to enter that type of relationship willing. I’m neither proud nor ashamed.

I can tell you, I’ve had many panic attacks when my phone would ring during odd hours of the night from a private caller wondering if it would be his wife calling to give me a piece of her mind. It never was. As a good side piece, I never lost my place or stepped out of my lane. I knew my place was in the bed of a sometimes quaint hotel and nothing more existed outside of those walls. Also, I wasn’t foolish enough to think if his marriage imploded because me that he would suddenly realize that I was the one he should have chosen from the beginning. My life is not a Rom-Com.

So I thought about what dumb thing I would say if she ever did call me, and yeah they would all be pretty dumb. Hurtful actually, because that was my mindset at the time. I did my best to hide in the shadows, if he was carless it was because he wanted to be caught. And that is your argument with him.

These are imaginary conversations to me, but I’m sure women and men all over the world are having them right now. So here goes, please keep in mind these have no basis on my current life.

The Wife

So this is the woman that my husband can’t seem to stay from. Aren’t you tired of being lonely? Yes, he might steal moments away from his family to play with you but that’s exactly what you are, a toy. He will never give you any real significant time, not on the days that count, like holidays. Those days are reserved for the people he loves, his family.

Do you enjoy stalking my social media? I keep just enough of it public for you, to remind you of your place. I’m the one he’s building a future with, the one he goes on vacation with, the one he goes to sleep beside and the first person he sees in the morning.

What do you have? Text messages of broken promises and probably pictures you can never share. I know he’s probably dumb enough to take pictures with you to give you a false sense of security and I’m sure he has threatened you that if you expose them it’s over. Please. Post them. And he will be all yours. Give me my freedom.

The Other woman

If you’re so smart, then why are you still with him. He obviously doesn’t love you since he still comes to me. He tells me all about you. You don’t cook, you don’t clean and it goes with out saying, you suck in bed. All those things he likes in bed…yeah I do them. Does he love me? No. But he doesn’t love you either. Stolen moments? Yeah they are, but at least when he’s with me, I know he isn’t with you. He doesn’t take your calls or answer your messages and feeds you lame stories that you buy.

I might not get to go away on fancy vacations or spend holiday’s with him but he tells me that he wishes it was me that was with him and that’s enough for me. I’m not so dumb to believe that if I were in your shoes he would be different. I’d rather be in my place, his side bitch the one he comes to when he needs to talk without being criticized, the one he comes to when the stress of his life with YOU becomes to much for him to bear.

When he’s not with me, I know he’s with you. When he’s not with you, he could be with anyone else and that must keep you up at night. Now you tell me which position is worse? I’d rather be me and continue to have a life than be you, a woman that settled because you think he will change. He won’t. If its not me, there will always be someone else.

The Truth

This man loves neither woman, I don’t think he even has the capacity to love himself. The reality is men and women cheat because they can. They will use every excuse under the sun to justify it but you can be the perfect spouse and still get cheated on. It takes a certain level of maturity and honesty to be in a relationship which some people have not yet reached.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. If your wife hasn’t cooked, maybe find out why and instead of cheating help them with the reasons. If your husband doesn’t seem to be paying attention to you, ask him if he’s okay and help him solve the issues that are weighing him down.

I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheating. I was honest with my ex-husband when I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, but the years leading up to it is where the real communication should have began. I should have told him what made me unhappy and when I was sad and why. But I chose to reman silent until there was no other option.

Do I regret it? No. But do I regret the extra years wasted hoping everything would turn around like magic. But there is nothing magical about marriage, it’s hard work, commitment, honesty, faithfulness understanding and most importantly respect. Without mutual respect for each other you have nothing except two people playing house just waiting for the next best thing to come along.

Be good to one another. Be faithful . And if you find you can be neither, be honest and let them go.

Am I worried my husband will cheat? Of course I am, not because I’m not a good woman, not because he is a bad man. Sometimes Karma comes wrapped in everything you ever wanted in a person to teach you a lesson. And sometimes Karma is the prison you created from your past.

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

July 27, 2020July 27, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I woke up today and for that I want to say thank you. My life has been a complete mess lately and I know I have began to lose sight of all the little things we take for granted. Like waking up, like having a soft pillow to lay my head on and everything in between.

I’ve even taken Monday’s for granted, not everyone will be blessed to make it to next Monday. So for all of us that have made it to this one…cheers to you and I. Life is too short, repeat after me…LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

It’s become sort of a mantra lately, whenever I become upset with a person or a situation or anything actually, I quietly remind myself that life is too short to be unhappy and I have the power to change it. Being unhappy is a choice not a given, so why choose it.

I started to draft this two Monday’s ago but was unable to complete it due to events that happened when I got home.

Two weeks ago, my dad decided he wanted to end it all, fortunately his attempt was unsuccessful. But it really got me thinking how suicide is truly a selfish act. It leaves behind your loved ones wondering if there was anything they could do to stop you. And the honest truth is for someone that truly wants to end their life there is nothing that will stop them, only they can stop themselves. I know, I have been in that position more than once in my life.

It isn’t fair to to the family, we all have lives too. Some of us live there, some are near and some are across the country. We are not trained professionals, we should not be held accountable for someone else’s actions, and no one should aim to blame anyone if he did manage to do it. I know this coming from the other side of the pill bottle. I was a selfish teen/young woman and while my reasons may have seemed valid, they were most definitely NOT.

I…am still after all these years seeking my father’s approval. Which is why I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Every time I have to speak with him regarding his behavior, the loud music, the outbursts (wait, who is the parent here?) it just gets worse for me.

Yeah, the tantrum only lasts for a few hours , maybe a day but it’s added stress until the eventual tugging of the ear and the “I’m sorry honey” which signals that he is no longer angry with me, which brings relief because all I ever wanted was to be genuinely loved.

Childhood, it most certainly leaves it’s mark and molds us into the adults we become. Most day’s I’m very proud of the woman that stares back at me in the mirror, but lately I’m wondering who she is.

I spend an awful amount of time crying and feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people. Granted, I just lost my mother, my marriage feels like it’s falling apart right now and my dad is slowly losing his grip. It’s a wonder how I’m not self medicating with anything harder than wine and hard seltzer…oh yea, it’s because I can’t afford it.

My heart is in a constant state of panic. I feel things I cannot see and it is a constant tug of war between reality and intuition, between feeling alive and feeling dead inside, between wanting to know and not knowing.

I feel like the answers I need are staring right at me but I’m too afraid to really see them, because what happens if I receive the answers I’m dreading , what will I do then? Will I be strong enough to do what’s best for me? I always have💜. The problem is I’m broken right now, still trying to heal from my mother’s untimely death, still trying to figure out this marriage thing (just because it’s my third doesn’t mean I’m an expert) and still trying to adjust to the changes with life in general.

I will always be thankful, that’s how I was raised to be. Thankful for every part of my life up til this point. For every lesson, for every love, for every lie. Thankful for every stone thrown my way because I have stacked them so high and used them to reach things not meant for me, I’ve used them to build walls to protect myself and throw them back when necessary.

Thankful for all the people that stood by me and cheered me on and especially thankful for those who thought I’d never be anything but a pretty face. Jokes on you.

Thankful for H, it’s been a struggle so far but we haven’t given up on each other. Not that we both have not created some pretty serious waves but we’re still staying afloat (see babe, you can swim 🏊🏾‍♂️).

Thankful that once again we have reached another Monday. Cheers to you and I🥂.

More time

April 25, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Facebook has been reminding me that six years ago around this time we were celebrating Easter 🐣.

I looked through that album and not one picture with my mother. In all the photos she was either sitting in the background, talking to one of her grandkids or quietly sitting by herself 😔.

I’m trying really hard to remember this day and aside from the photos I don’t remember much. Only that it was probably like any other family function, where we all congregated in the kitchen getting drunk while my mother sat quietly in the corner, alone. My siblings always engaged her in conversation. I usually never did.

I didn’t mean to ignore her, I just thought I had more time. More time to take photos with her, more time to build memories, more time to show her I loved her.

It wasn’t until my husband entered my life that I began to see my parents more and for that I will always be grateful 💜. Grateful for the memories I might not have if it wasn’t for him.

I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid. I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. I wish that I was able to go back in time. I also wish I can remember this feeling of regret so that I don’t repeat my past mistake which is also my greatest regret.

I love you mom 💜 and I miss you.

Grey Day Ahead

April 13, 2020April 14, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The weather matches my mood, there is a storm brewing inside. It’s all of my emotions being blown around by the wind ready to break this fragile heart that is trying it’s best to contain it.

I read a little of the Governor’s press briefing and it looks like we’re almost at an end as a state (or at least over the hump). But what about our individual lives? How are we going to get back on our feet as a community?

It’s sad , I’m sad. It has hit directly on my home. My emotions are conflicted about everything. The rain represents the tears I’ve been crying. I hope I can swim without drowning. I hate the rain but wish to run in it, I fear the wind but wish it could blow me into a time that this has all become a distant memory.

I wanted this to be longer. I’ve so much to say but no words are making sense in my head lately.

Stay safe & be well ♥️.

Rejuvenation

March 10, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It feels like I blinked and my weekend was…poof… gone! For the most part I spent it just watching t.v. in bed, while my husband worked and enjoyed a boys night. Don’t feel sad for me though, my weekend was not without any fun. I did wind up going to my sister’s house for lunch and wedding planning on Sunday, which usually involves a lot of prosecco and a ton laughs.

It was actually a very productive afternoon, she helped me dye my hair and we caught up on family current events. The one thing we didn’t really get to do was…you guessed it, wedding plan lol. But I suppose I have a few more weeks before I need to make any solid decisions regarding the guest list.

This weekend really got me thinking though about how much I really do miss being social and active outside of the house. Unfortunately this usually always happens during the winter months when I tend to hibernate from the cold weather. But since being in a serious relationship and now a married woman I have unintentionally cut ties with a lot of my girlfriends.

I no longer have a neighborhood bar where I get treated like royalty and everyone knows my name. I no longer have painful feet because I danced til dawn on a Saturday night and I no longer have a let’s get drunk at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon squad, and frankly… I miss it.

I didn’t really realize how much until my husband brought it to my attention. I need something to do while he has guys nights, he’s not 80 years old and still enjoys going to clubs etc…but I’m not 80 years old either. The only difference is that while he has been able to maintain his friendships, I have allowed mine to fall to out of touch. I miss my friends dearly but life has taken me on another path.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wanna vomit in a field (not really) and dance til dawn (definitely) and and go day drinking on a Sunday afternoon (💯definitely), but I also wanna build some dreams, make some money. I wanna hang with the girls planning a book club although we never pick a book or actually meet. I want to hang with women who inspire me to do better and have goals of their own.

The only issue with this is that these women are usually much younger than me. Take for example my work daughters, they are inspiring to the core, young and full of energy and dreams. Unfortunately I think women my age (middle) are content with their lives and just accept it is what it is. But I’m not. I’ve always wanted to do more. I’ve always wanted to do everything.

I think that’s part of the reason I feel the strong desire to go back to school and get my degree in social work (that and the sixty thousand dollars I owe on the degree I don’t yet have) or how I try to convince my husband who is interested in going into politics that we need to involve ourselves in community affairs, hand out turkeys etc. It’s ME, I have to do these things, and in doing these things I hope to meet like minded women.

So over the next few weeks I will be researching local organizations and seeing where my heart is being called to and trying to rekindle some old yet valuable friendships and also taking some time to explore my surroundings. My neighborhood is rich with history as well as culture and I love to learn about everything.

So happy belated woman’s Day and here’s to friendships new and old!

Happy Monday.

How often do you talk on the phone with your partner?

January 30, 2020January 30, 2020 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

How often do you talk on the phone with your partner?

Everyday, several times a day, sometimes for hours.

But there was once a time we hardly ever talked on the phone. I remember one time, early in the relationship I asked if I could call him and his response was…”I’m not in prison”😑. I thought it was really funny, but it was because of my previous relationship experience (to be discussed in another blog) and as it turns out he was in a self created prison (discussed here).

Gradually we talked more and one day it became facetime chats while we watched each other fall asleep. Well usually it was me watching him fall asleep or him listening to me snore😟. He would usually hangup at this point, but I liked to watch him. I never disconnected the call because if he woke up I wanted him to know I was still there for him and always will be.

Now like I mentioned we speak several times a day even though were married. Thinking about it, we actually speak on the phone now more than when we were dating. And I love it. Even though sometimes it can be a bit harrowing when I’m at work trying to handle several things and speak with several people at once including him and he might sneeze for example then demand a God bless you from me and when I don’t say it fast enough I then wind up barking at him and he gets butt hurt. But other than that it’s great😊! No seriously, I mean it. I love it.

Despite what may be popular insinuations, it is not because I don’t trust him. I thoroughly enjoy his company and his conversations. However,I am comforted by the fact though that God forbid anything happened to him that I would be aware of it. As a professional driver (no not a race car driver) he spends all day out on the road making sure his passengers get from point A. to point B. safely. But what about him. In between rides and when he worked late into the night, many a night he has fallen asleep at a red light. How do I know? Facetime.

Maybe I’m a weirdo, but even if we are just sitting on the phone in silence, while he has me on his air pods and he is driving his passengers around I love it. It gives me a sense of security and comfort to be able to spend the time with him when permitted.

Every moment spent whether it is on the phone or in person is a blessing and I plan to cherish every single moment.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Just your average Thursday…

December 27, 2019 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Sooooo this happened today….

Today H and I tied the knot, in a small intimate civil ceremony. One year to this date, on our anniversary we will have a larger celebration in front of our family and friends.

Today was about us♥️, a perfect ending to a wonderful Christmas 🎄. Life is full of bumpy roads, so glad I have my rock to stand beside me.

I love you king,🥂here’s to us and the roads ahead.

**Special thank you to my sister Cee for standing beside me and my Godson/Nephew Gee for being my ring bearer.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas…it’s back to work for tomorrow 😩 and hopefully back to regularly schedule blogging 😉.

Should you wish your ex a Happy Holiday?

December 11, 2019 by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 3 Comments

Should you wish your ex a Happy Holiday?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…unless it’s not.The holiday’s can be a stressful time of year for many different reasons. Maybe you are living in a new state and away from your family or having some financial difficulties. Or maybe it’s a recent breakup. A breakup sucks in general, but right before the holidays it could hurt a bit more.

So now what? Don’t allow being lonely to drive you back into the arms of someone that you are no longer with just because you don’t want to spend the holidays alone. It’s an easy trap to fall into.

The “hey, just wanted to wish you a ______ “is one of the oldest tricks in the book and one of the easiest relationship windows to re-enter. Yes, on occasion in the past I have wished my ex’s a Merry Christmas, Happy Easter etc…. But that was because we all still hung out in the same circles and since the relationships ended amicably we remained friendly, and I was also friendlyish with their wives/ girlfriends.

So for me it was nothing more than a friendly holiday salutation. But what if it’s deeper than that. I know someone who still had her ex accompany her to family functions for two years after the breakup because she didn’t want her family to know. They always wound up getting back together…but then once the warmth of the holiday’s were over so was the warmth between them…until next year.

I get it, spending the holidays alone can be tough. I never knew what I was missing until recently. I have dated since separating from Cee but never thought anyone deserved to meet my family (that could be taken either way lol). Until H, this will be the second year he will spend the holidays with my family and he fits right in with us. Would I want him to wish his ex’s a Merry Christmas …hell fucking NO! He can however send them a lovely Christmas card of us♥️.

If you really feel a connection to your ex, I would put off any contact until after the holidays, this way you will know for sure whether or not you truly just want to wish them well or reconnect. After the holidays have passed you might feel a whole different way. I almost guarantee it.