Tag: Opinion

New Beginnings

New Beginnings

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

There has been so much going on lately, I don’t even know where to start.

But I guess this is as good a place as any…

My husband has decided to re-enlist into the Army. It has been such a difficult time for me lately. So many changes and so fast, but as with everything else in my life I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to be.

Back in May when this journey began I had no idea it would move so swiftly but it was with almost lightning speed that it has taken off. The hurdles he once faced were no longer an issue, the circumstances of our lives seemed to fall right into this decision and my need to build a new life with him away from the city that I once loved, grew more each day. So I was one hundred percent on board.

At first there was some resistance from family and friends, mostly they were being selfish lol and didn’t want to bear the thought of how boring their lives would be without me (just kidding guys lol) but they have all adjusted pretty quickly. Especially when they think of all the (hopefully) exotic places they may get to visit me.

Aside from the above mentioned reasons I have other reasons for wanting this so badly, for one…what kind of wife would I be if I didn’t support my husband’s dreams and goals? And I supported them all. Whether it was his goal to finish his degree and become a lawyer or when he learned a new trade and became an elevator mechanic or when he wanted to run for Mayor of NYC. I have always supported him and tried my very best to not only help him reach but surpass his goals. Some are still works in progress and I support that.

But this is a big one, life changing for me. I don’t have any real reservations about leaving. Two of my three children are adults and are more self sufficient than I am. My youngest, a 16 year old girl, will come and visit me wherever I may be and it is a small hope in my heart that she will love it and want to stay forever. My children know that no matter where I am in the world that I love them and they can still come to me for anything.

My fears are probably silly, but they are rooted from things that have happened in the past. Things that have occurred in my current relationship as well as previous ones, things that I’m still healing from. I am afraid to lose some of the independence I have gained in the last few years, but I’m also looking forward to being able to take it easy for awhile. As of late, work has been killing me, a job I once loved now brings me to tears. Most days when I get home from work I collapse into my bed and don’t want to speak to anyone but H…I miss him terribly.

I miss him, and when I am away I will miss my family and my friends and when I come back to visit I’ll long for the place that we call home. Like he says, I’m never happy, always unsatisfied and finding something to complain about. But that’s life and I know that I deserve the very best of everything.

Last month I celebrated my birthday…my 49th. Actually, I feel like I am still celebrating. Every weekend has been filled with so many gatherings with my family and friends. I am definitely well loved. I miss H, but I know he is away taking care of business and preparing a wonderful life for us. This year I only cried happy tears for my birthday.

So I guess in closing out this entry and as I prepare to embark on a new journey, as well as the second half of my life. I think the most important thing I want you take away from this is that…I am happy. Come what may…I will be happy. And happiness is the best revenge against those that wished to see me fail. Boom.

Please follow my other blog Jai’s Journey for all the latest updates on my journey as a Army wife.

Road to recovery: My Covid non-Journal, the final entry.

Road to recovery: My Covid non-Journal, the final entry.

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I planned to make this journal entries, but my experience with Covid was fast and furious and has kept me asleep for most of it. First and foremost, thankfully I was not hospitalized although there were a few times I thought I might need to be. It became difficult to breathe around day 8, and my biggest fear was to die alone. So yes, I guess I was being completely selfish that I would rather have my husband wake up to a dead wife than to die alone and scared.

I just kept thinking of my mother and what she must have went through and as I stated it might have been a selfish act, because my husband is the one that would have found me, I was comforted at home with him surrounded by my things with my mother’s picture watching over me. So I chose to ride it out at home. Sorry to my family that may be reading this. I was scared.

The symptoms were mostly like the CDC advises. I slept for days on end, my fever creeped to 103.2, body aches like I was in a car accident. I vomited as well as other stomach issues. I couldn’t eat for days and when I could it was very little. Example I can eat a 10 piece McDonald’s chicken nuggets in a sitting. During my illness the 10 piece lasted me 3 days. And finally the coughing, which didn’t develop until the end but it was also pretty scary because it bought on my asthma and the chest pains.

If you have ever had bronchitis, that’s how it felt in my experience. The tightness in my chest and with every deep breath came a painful dry cough. H practically bought everything in the Walgreens cold medicine aisle and it kept me very comfortable in the remaining days. Thank you for taking such good care of me. I love you.

There are some symptoms the CDC doesn’t mention but I feel like they were related and as I speak with more people that had Covid I don’t feel so alone. I’m normally an emotional person by nature but these emotions felt over the top. I just couldn’t stop being sad and crying all the time. EVERYTHING and I mean everything made me cry.

My skin became waxy and always seemed wet, even after the fevers subsided. My skin also became very sensitive to touch. Water in the shower felt very heavy, it wasn’t painful but it was definitely a strange sensation, I felt like I was absorbing the water into my skin.

I never lost my sense of taste or smell, just the opposite. I did lose my appetite but once my appetite returned and I began eating again the taste of food seemed to be amplified on my taste buds and even temporarily ruined some of my favorite foods for me (don’t worry, I can once again eat my weight in wings).

My hair was already thinning but I noticed on the day I received my negative results (20 days after my positive result) as I was combing my hair significant amounts of clumps were in my hand. That just made me cry more. As someone who is already battling hair loss this is not something I wanted to see.

My back is giving me a lot of issues, pretty much from the day I “recovered”. It’s possible it’s due to the fact I was laying down for 3 weeks straight and I’m still laying down more than I’d like. I’m hoping once the weather warms up I can get out more. But for now this Covid cluster in my lower back is keeping me humbly aware I’m still not 100%.

I seem more confused lately too. I keep mixing up my words and I’m more forgetful than usual, not sure if this is the brain fog that people are mentioning. It’s becoming a bit embarrassing, I’m okay with it when speaking to husband, family or friends (they know I’m mostly smart) but when I’m speaking with a client or composing an email I don’t want to appear unintelligent and become flustered easily when I do slip.

I’m sure there are many other things I’m experiencing, I just can’t remember them now. I fear that in 2 years I will suddenly collapse and die and the doctors will find that it’s Covid related.

It was hell. I’m happy I made it through I know countless others including my own mom were not so lucky😔.

My experience has taught me something very valuable though I learned that I don’t want to be unhappy and to appreciate all the good people and things in my life no matter how small and to let go of things that are not conducive to my growth.

This is not to say that I’ve become an uncaring person just that not everyone or every situation deserves a reaction. I’m choosing my battles more wisely.

Besides, in the end…Goodness always reigns supreme.

Please stay safe everyone, continue to mask up, wash your hands and get vaccinated when you can.

This is America 🇺🇸?

This is America 🇺🇸?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Wanna start a fight? Let’s talk politics. I admit, I am not the most political savvy person. I can’t tell you what any of the amendments are, how to pass a bill or when the constitution was enacted. My interest lie mostly in my husband’s political aspirations and learning how to achieve it. What I can tell you is that what transpired yesterday on Capitol Hill was a travesty and the most devastatingly, heart breaking thing my eyes have ever witnessed (after 9/11) as an American and as a human.

I don’t care what your political party is, you can’t tell me that your okay with what unfolded yesterday and it’s okay to admit that you were blinded by the last 4 years. Even VP. Pence finally has seen the light and finally made the right decision, and I’m sure there are more cabinet members to follow in the coming hours and days.

There are so many things wrong with yesterdays events it hard to even figure out the best place to start, so might as well start at the top. The big dog. Our president for the next 13 days (unless they enact the 25th amendment, I pay attention sometimes). How did he get away with 1/2 the things he has done? First off, the man is just about as politically savvy as I am, maybe even less. Realistically he was probably just a puppet, someone was pulling his strings much like Pinocchio and Gepetto as the big banks of America.

It then got out of hand and he became impossible to control. If you’re wondering what would have happened if Frankenstein had a Twitter… this is it.

For years he used social media to rile the masses and form an angry mob, is anyone really surprised this happened? I knew it would get bad but I didn’t think it would escalate to this.

If you ask me, the Capitol Police allowed this to happen I’m not saying they were in on it but they might as have just given them a map and handed them the keys to the building. Heads should roll.

Honestly the one thing that really has me angry is the tender kid gloves these protestors were handled with. I mean c’mon if they were a few shades darker they would have been shot dead on the steps. Tell me I’m wrong. If Barack Obama had used social media to send messages to rile up Blacks & Latinos, he would have been impeached and convicted of incitement to violence. Tell me I’m wrong.

How is it during the BLM protest the National guard was called in ahead of the protest but during the Capitol riot only a small number of DC Police were on hand? In both events law enforcement had prior knowledge, but only one event was prepared to use deadly force. Tell me I’m wrong.

So what we really learned today is that America is not a free country because you are charged according to the color of your skin. That you can’t be brown and rightfully angry at the injustices we face and protest peacefully but you can be white, brainwashed and storm and destroy federal property at the behest of our President.

Don’t get me wrong, I will never understand the concept of rioting and looting nor do I condone it but please explain to me how you can get shot by breaking a Best Buy window but walk away unscathed from destroying the Capitol with the intent to take hostages?

This is America, land of the free home of the brave, but all I saw yesterday was an attempt to destroy democracy and claim a victory that wasn’t won fair & square. The American people voted Mr. President and now it’s time to bow out gracefully and let the real politicians get back to work.

Here’s to praying we have a smooth inauguration day. A girl can dream can’t she?

Sending the world peace and tranquility, love and light. Even to those that chose to participate and condone yesterday’s actions, for they need it most.

Jai

One +One=Three

One +One=Three

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

A Man Has Two Women. He Lies To One, The Other One He Is Completely Honest With. Which One Does He Love? The answer is simple. Neither.

The same can be said for women. Nothing is more sillier to me (IMO) than a woman that 1. thinks her husband loves her more because he comes home every night after a hard day of cheating or 2. the woman that thinks he loves her more because he chooses to break his vows to be with her. There are zero winners here. Not even the man.

I’ve had the unfortunate luck of being one of these women. Can you guess which one? If you said the (for lack of a better word) side piece you are correct. It’s not something I am proud of, but it also wasn’t the worst demoralizing moments of my life. I was a grownup and made a grown up decision to enter that type of relationship willing. I’m neither proud nor ashamed.

I can tell you, I’ve had many panic attacks when my phone would ring during odd hours of the night from a private caller wondering if it would be his wife calling to give me a piece of her mind. It never was. As a good side piece, I never lost my place or stepped out of my lane. I knew my place was in the bed of a sometimes quaint hotel and nothing more existed outside of those walls. Also, I wasn’t foolish enough to think if his marriage imploded because me that he would suddenly realize that I was the one he should have chosen from the beginning. My life is not a Rom-Com.

So I thought about what dumb thing I would say if she ever did call me, and yeah they would all be pretty dumb. Hurtful actually, because that was my mindset at the time. I did my best to hide in the shadows, if he was carless it was because he wanted to be caught. And that is your argument with him.

These are imaginary conversations to me, but I’m sure women and men all over the world are having them right now. So here goes, please keep in mind these have no basis on my current life.

The Wife

So this is the woman that my husband can’t seem to stay from. Aren’t you tired of being lonely? Yes, he might steal moments away from his family to play with you but that’s exactly what you are, a toy. He will never give you any real significant time, not on the days that count, like holidays. Those days are reserved for the people he loves, his family.

Do you enjoy stalking my social media? I keep just enough of it public for you, to remind you of your place. I’m the one he’s building a future with, the one he goes on vacation with, the one he goes to sleep beside and the first person he sees in the morning.

What do you have? Text messages of broken promises and probably pictures you can never share. I know he’s probably dumb enough to take pictures with you to give you a false sense of security and I’m sure he has threatened you that if you expose them it’s over. Please. Post them. And he will be all yours. Give me my freedom.

The Other woman

If you’re so smart, then why are you still with him. He obviously doesn’t love you since he still comes to me. He tells me all about you. You don’t cook, you don’t clean and it goes with out saying, you suck in bed. All those things he likes in bed…yeah I do them. Does he love me? No. But he doesn’t love you either. Stolen moments? Yeah they are, but at least when he’s with me, I know he isn’t with you. He doesn’t take your calls or answer your messages and feeds you lame stories that you buy.

I might not get to go away on fancy vacations or spend holiday’s with him but he tells me that he wishes it was me that was with him and that’s enough for me. I’m not so dumb to believe that if I were in your shoes he would be different. I’d rather be in my place, his side bitch the one he comes to when he needs to talk without being criticized, the one he comes to when the stress of his life with YOU becomes to much for him to bear.

When he’s not with me, I know he’s with you. When he’s not with you, he could be with anyone else and that must keep you up at night. Now you tell me which position is worse? I’d rather be me and continue to have a life than be you, a woman that settled because you think he will change. He won’t. If its not me, there will always be someone else.

The Truth

This man loves neither woman, I don’t think he even has the capacity to love himself. The reality is men and women cheat because they can. They will use every excuse under the sun to justify it but you can be the perfect spouse and still get cheated on. It takes a certain level of maturity and honesty to be in a relationship which some people have not yet reached.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. If your wife hasn’t cooked, maybe find out why and instead of cheating help them with the reasons. If your husband doesn’t seem to be paying attention to you, ask him if he’s okay and help him solve the issues that are weighing him down.

I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheating. I was honest with my ex-husband when I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, but the years leading up to it is where the real communication should have began. I should have told him what made me unhappy and when I was sad and why. But I chose to reman silent until there was no other option.

Do I regret it? No. But do I regret the extra years wasted hoping everything would turn around like magic. But there is nothing magical about marriage, it’s hard work, commitment, honesty, faithfulness understanding and most importantly respect. Without mutual respect for each other you have nothing except two people playing house just waiting for the next best thing to come along.

Be good to one another. Be faithful . And if you find you can be neither, be honest and let them go.

Am I worried my husband will cheat? Of course I am, not because I’m not a good woman, not because he is a bad man. Sometimes Karma comes wrapped in everything you ever wanted in a person to teach you a lesson. And sometimes Karma is the prison you created from your past.

The Bird’s 🐦 & The Bee’s🐝

The Bird’s 🐦 & The Bee’s🐝

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

As old as time, parent’s have been having this conversation with their children. It can be difficult and uncomfortable but it’s a highly necessary conversation.

It’s not as easy as the “Don’t do drugs” conversation, obviously drugs are bad and easier to explain why they should never be done. But sex is an entirely different story. It must be handled delicately without making our children feel shameful of their bodies or the feelings that are sure to confuse the hell out of them until they are a bit more mature.

Sex between consenting adults is a beautiful thing. Not only does it feel good but there are also many health benefits involved. A healthy sex life can improve self esteem, decrease depression and anxiety. It can also lower your risk of heart disease, boost your immune system and help you sleep at night. But children don’t care about this.

According to Teen Vogue the average age an American teenager loses their virginity is 17 for women and 16 for men. I know from experience the ages are much younger. I was only 14, my friends around the same age give or take a year. And while my relationship with my mother was a honest and open one there is so much she did not teach me, and for that reason I hope to be able to reach others.

So now that we have gotten past the hard part, they have come to you for help and as hard as you tried you cannot talk them out of it. Teenagers can never for a minute imagine that us, as parents were once young and in their position, but I assure you we were not always old people trying to ruin your fun.

As a mother of both girls and a boy, I will address how I as a parent have advised my own children.

First and foremost, NO means NO. Never do something you are uncomfortable with. That goes for both young men and young women.

Next, you have to take responsibility for your own sexual health and well being. Young ladies, the pill or other types of contraceptives are 99% effective when taken correctly, but I don’t know many teenagers that are diligent when it comes to taking medications everyday at the same time for an indefinite period. So make sure you do your research and learn about your different options.

Condoms, I would advise my children to carry their own. Female contraception only prevents pregnancy, and there are much worse things that can occur from carelessness. I have heard of many stories from both females and males about poking holes in the condoms in order to get pregnant to trap the other. If this is even a thought in your head, do you really want to become intimate with someone you can’t even trust???

But aside from pregnancy, consider STDS. While modern medicine has made great strides in finding a cure for AIDS, there is no cure. Not to mention other STDS that can affect your ability to have children in the future. Nothing works like abstinence, but if you must wrap it up.

But what if the condom breaks? Well, there is an option available today that was not in the old days and that’s emergency contraception. This option should never be used lightly and only in as the box says…an emergency. Remain abstinent for 3 weeks and see your doctor to run test for STDS.

I would say before you even begin an intimate relationship both partners should be tested, but most teenagers aren’t thinking that far ahead.

Aside from the physical aspects of sex, you have to think about the emotional as well. Sex takes a certain level of maturity that even some adults don’t possess. It should never be used as a weapon or as a measure of how much you love someone.

Parent’s talk to your children, and if you’re a teen that happens to be reading this, talk to your parents or another trusted adult. I know that there may be a few people that may not agree with me and I welcome any and all comments and feedback.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Ticking Time Bomb

Ticking Time Bomb

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Disclaimer: To my male readers, sorry it might get icky 🔴

My biological clock is ticking…actually I think the batteries have died and my clock is permanently broken. It’s been 57 days since I last had a period (using my lady from Titanic voice), which makes it about 25 days late .

I thought I saw some…lets call it movement about 20 days ago but nothing since. Everyday is a struggle because 🗣 I WANT TO WEAR MY WHITE PANTS WITHOUT FEAR OF A SNEAK ATTACK! So I just wear them all willy nilly praying “please don’t come today”.

From my waist down every bone and muscle hurts. If you ever had a period you know what I’m talking about, that painful knee throb that hurts when you walk, sit or stand.

The splintering throb in your pants that reminds you that you are walking around with a swollen vagina that feels like bamboo shoots have been shoved up there. At least that’s what I imagine having bamboo shoots shoved up your vagina would feel like.

Not to mention all the belly aches and headaches and the tender breastses that hurt when air hits them. The funny thing is, is that if I were just a little younger (okay a lot younger) these could all be mistaken for the symptoms of pregnancy, but I’m not and refuse to pee on a stick and give myself two minutes of hope.

Emotionally and physically I am a ticking time bomb. Now I’m not making excuses for snapping at my husband (8% of the time he probably deserves it lol) but I am saying that I’m extremely on edge these days.

Also, my sex drive is completely through the roof, so much so that I constantly want my husband to bang me like a screen door during a hurricane (did I just say that out loud?). I’m not a animal, I just want my husband to give me sex and rub my feet, belly and back at 30 minute intervals.

But back to my ticking time bomb. The ticks are so loud sometimes they are deafening which puts me in a angry at the world mood. Being someone’s mother was the only thing I was ever good at and the only thing I ever wanted to be.

🔴Update: It’s here, and boy is it bad.

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I woke up today and for that I want to say thank you. My life has been a complete mess lately and I know I have began to lose sight of all the little things we take for granted. Like waking up, like having a soft pillow to lay my head on and everything in between.

I’ve even taken Monday’s for granted, not everyone will be blessed to make it to next Monday. So for all of us that have made it to this one…cheers to you and I. Life is too short, repeat after me…LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

It’s become sort of a mantra lately, whenever I become upset with a person or a situation or anything actually, I quietly remind myself that life is too short to be unhappy and I have the power to change it. Being unhappy is a choice not a given, so why choose it.

I started to draft this two Monday’s ago but was unable to complete it due to events that happened when I got home.

Two weeks ago, my dad decided he wanted to end it all, fortunately his attempt was unsuccessful. But it really got me thinking how suicide is truly a selfish act. It leaves behind your loved ones wondering if there was anything they could do to stop you. And the honest truth is for someone that truly wants to end their life there is nothing that will stop them, only they can stop themselves. I know, I have been in that position more than once in my life.

It isn’t fair to to the family, we all have lives too. Some of us live there, some are near and some are across the country. We are not trained professionals, we should not be held accountable for someone else’s actions, and no one should aim to blame anyone if he did manage to do it. I know this coming from the other side of the pill bottle. I was a selfish teen/young woman and while my reasons may have seemed valid, they were most definitely NOT.

I…am still after all these years seeking my father’s approval. Which is why I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Every time I have to speak with him regarding his behavior, the loud music, the outbursts (wait, who is the parent here?) it just gets worse for me.

Yeah, the tantrum only lasts for a few hours , maybe a day but it’s added stress until the eventual tugging of the ear and the “I’m sorry honey” which signals that he is no longer angry with me, which brings relief because all I ever wanted was to be genuinely loved.

Childhood, it most certainly leaves it’s mark and molds us into the adults we become. Most day’s I’m very proud of the woman that stares back at me in the mirror, but lately I’m wondering who she is.

I spend an awful amount of time crying and feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people. Granted, I just lost my mother, my marriage feels like it’s falling apart right now and my dad is slowly losing his grip. It’s a wonder how I’m not self medicating with anything harder than wine and hard seltzer…oh yea, it’s because I can’t afford it.

My heart is in a constant state of panic. I feel things I cannot see and it is a constant tug of war between reality and intuition, between feeling alive and feeling dead inside, between wanting to know and not knowing.

I feel like the answers I need are staring right at me but I’m too afraid to really see them, because what happens if I receive the answers I’m dreading , what will I do then? Will I be strong enough to do what’s best for me? I always have💜. The problem is I’m broken right now, still trying to heal from my mother’s untimely death, still trying to figure out this marriage thing (just because it’s my third doesn’t mean I’m an expert) and still trying to adjust to the changes with life in general.

I will always be thankful, that’s how I was raised to be. Thankful for every part of my life up til this point. For every lesson, for every love, for every lie. Thankful for every stone thrown my way because I have stacked them so high and used them to reach things not meant for me, I’ve used them to build walls to protect myself and throw them back when necessary.

Thankful for all the people that stood by me and cheered me on and especially thankful for those who thought I’d never be anything but a pretty face. Jokes on you.

Thankful for H, it’s been a struggle so far but we haven’t given up on each other. Not that we both have not created some pretty serious waves but we’re still staying afloat (see babe, you can swim 🏊🏾‍♂️).

Thankful that once again we have reached another Monday. Cheers to you and I🥂.

What would mom do?

What would mom do?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyday I lay in the same spot you did wondering how many days and nights you stared up at the ceiling or out the window wishing your mother was here to guide you. I wish you were here.

I’m an emotional mess these days, but I don’t have to tell you that, you can see everything. I know you see periods of me forgetting to eat or softening my pain with alcohol. Taking sleeping pills that don’t work to fall into a sleep that never comes. Sleep I so desperately need to fill the gaps of loneliness and uncertainty that never seemed to close.

If you knew everything that you knew when you died…would you still have done it all the exact same way? I believe I would but with exceptions, I would not have stayed in such terrible relationships for as long as I did, accepting so little of what I deserved. Maybe I would have found love sooner and not have wasted what was the last of my precious childbearing years.

School, I would have definitely finished school and gotten my degree in social work. I probably still would not be living in a penthouse but I may be in a more comfortable financial situation than I am now. BTW, do you remember why I told you I wanted to live in a penthouse? It was because dad is afraid of heights and I could hide from him there. Look at me now.

I don’t mean to sound sad, but I am. My life is different now and I’m not sure I have the strength for anymore change. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and nothing, not any relationship, friendship nor any job on earth will top the the loss of my mother, not a one. And just because it is natural order, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Actually, the loss of one of my children would be worse and that is something I hope I never have to live through fore I would cut out my own beating heart just to give it to them.

How did you do it? Daily life, juggling everything that was important to you and everything that your family needed? Did you ever have a hard time asking for the things you needed? Did you ever want to run away? I did…I have and it was the hardest decision I made in my relationship with H.

I didn’t even really mean to run away, it all happened so fast that it actually felt like it was a dream, swiftly yet I moved in slow motion as my heart raced, wondering if I made the right decision. Was it worth it? I dunno, a lot could have transpired over the 48 hours we were apart and although I did not get the result I had hoped for I did get sometime to do some soul searching.

I felt brave and strong and yes scared. But there was an unbelievable calmness that came over me as I examined my life from all angles.

No couple is perfect, we’re no exception. I’m trying to find my voice and speak up for what I want before it becomes what I wanted. The problem with speaking up is what happens if I don’t receive the answers I hoped for?

I’m trying to not let my anxiety dictate my fears over facts but I feel like I’m losing my grasp. I’m incredibly broken right now.

Do I believe we’re soulmates? Yes, but somewhere along the way we got disconnected from each other. Can we get back to the place we once were? I’m hopeful.

The problem with relationships is that if you speak with your family and friends they form well meaning intentions and ill feelings towards your SO. Once the dust settles and you decide to work things out they seem to be less forgiving. So I’m suffering in silence.

I’ve been relying a lot on prayers and readings these days and I’m thisshy from seeking professional help. So please my dear sweet mother, who had a heart of gold and was the Queen of forgiveness, the woman who saw the goodness in everyone…what would you do?

*If any of my friends or family are reading this, we’re okay. Just trying to figure some things out and get back to the place we once were.

Grey Day Ahead

Grey Day Ahead

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The weather matches my mood, there is a storm brewing inside. It’s all of my emotions being blown around by the wind ready to break this fragile heart that is trying it’s best to contain it.

I read a little of the Governor’s press briefing and it looks like we’re almost at an end as a state (or at least over the hump). But what about our individual lives? How are we going to get back on our feet as a community?

It’s sad , I’m sad. It has hit directly on my home. My emotions are conflicted about everything. The rain represents the tears I’ve been crying. I hope I can swim without drowning. I hate the rain but wish to run in it, I fear the wind but wish it could blow me into a time that this has all become a distant memory.

I wanted this to be longer. I’ve so much to say but no words are making sense in my head lately.

Stay safe & be well ♥️.

#FuckCovid-19

#FuckCovid-19

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Right now I should be elbow deep in hollow Easter eggs, tediously trying to fill them with candy the kids probably won’t even eat. I hate these plastic eggs, you get like 3 candies inside and then some how during the night the Easter bunny must come along and open them spilling their candy guts all over the basket. Back to step one.

Funny how I used to hate it but now I miss it and long for those stupid plastic easter eggs. I guess that’s how life is. Not appreciating the things we have while we have them.

Much like I used to hate my mother’s incessant phone calls questioning me about some trivial random event from my past or a inappropriate picture I posted on Instagram. Ninety nine percent of the time I dodged those calls. Now I wish I would have answered everyone of them.

Now she lays alone in a hospital bed, hooked up to a oxygen machine while her family decides what is the next best move. But best for who? For the living or the dying? I’m conflicted.

How did she even catch COVID-19? She has not left the house since Thanksgiving! The same for my father, they have very limited contact with the outside world. Is it now an airborne disease, silently wafting through our windows? I need answers.

I wish the world knew my mother, before the strokes. The mom I knew as a kid, that brief stretch of time between 3 and 10 years old and then sporadically throughout my teen years. Not the mom that always had a lie, or a plan to cover up the lie. Not the mom that shared too many family secrets that a young child’s brain has no idea how to process.

But the mom that that taught me to dance to the beat of my own drum (literally). To never give a damn about anyone’s else opinions. I’ll admit, I used to be embarrassed by this. She used to put on her giant studio headphones (Beats, before Beats was a thing) and just dance her heart away behind home plate in the park I was hanging out with my friends.

Of course they made fun of her, they were teenagers! But as the years passed they got to know and love her and all who cross her path grow quite fond of her. Her light and her spirit are infectious, much like the infection she is fighting now, but the good kind, one touch, one smile and she can run rampant with your heart.

I long for the mother that sewed our Halloween costumes because we were too poor to afford store bought ones, I couldn’t appreciate it then but now, looking back on old photos they were better than any store bought costume because every stitch was made with love, not manufactured by the mass.

You would think by the things I’m writing that my mother did not raise me or we lived in different households and this is true but it wasn’t until later in life. It’s just I didn’t realize until recently that she was a different mom to us all.

Honestly, I’d take any version that I could get right now. Appreciate the people in your life while they are here.

Happy Easter.