Dancing Forever

Dancing Forever

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Yesterday I lost my mother due to complications from Covid-19. I. Am. Broken.

She was the best person I knew. Of course she had faults, family secrets hidden behind her dark purple almost black lipstick. But she was still my mother and I should have treated her as such.

I have a jazillion stories I want to share, but I can’t see through my tears right now. I can’t unfeel this heartbreak, I can’t go back in time.

I was proud of you and honored you were my mother even though I may have never showed it. Even when I may have seemed pissed to be burdened with your decisions.

You raised six kids basically on your own, worked multiple jobs, all while trying to make sure we had a wonderfully rich cultural childhood. I still remember the Cambodian protest you took me to when I was ten.

Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet reached my goal (living in a penthouse high above the city), even though it may seem as I could never settle down in life and even though I do not follow you in Christ.

I believe in Heaven and I’m comforted you are there. I hope that you are dancing to your hearts content without any of the pains the strokes have caused you. I pray you are looking down on all your children and their SO’s, grandchildren and spouse (my dad, but that’s what she called him lol). Watching how are hearts ache from the giant hole that was created when you left us.

You were right. I’d be sorry when you were gone. I love you mom 💜. Please forgive me💔.

Grey Day Ahead

Grey Day Ahead

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The weather matches my mood, there is a storm brewing inside. It’s all of my emotions being blown around by the wind ready to break this fragile heart that is trying it’s best to contain it.

I read a little of the Governor’s press briefing and it looks like we’re almost at an end as a state (or at least over the hump). But what about our individual lives? How are we going to get back on our feet as a community?

It’s sad , I’m sad. It has hit directly on my home. My emotions are conflicted about everything. The rain represents the tears I’ve been crying. I hope I can swim without drowning. I hate the rain but wish to run in it, I fear the wind but wish it could blow me into a time that this has all become a distant memory.

I wanted this to be longer. I’ve so much to say but no words are making sense in my head lately.

Stay safe & be well ♥️.

#FuckCovid-19

#FuckCovid-19

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Right now I should be elbow deep in hollow Easter eggs, tediously trying to fill them with candy the kids probably won’t even eat. I hate these plastic eggs, you get like 3 candies inside and then some how during the night the Easter bunny must come along and open them spilling their candy guts all over the basket. Back to step one.

Funny how I used to hate it but now I miss it and long for those stupid plastic easter eggs. I guess that’s how life is. Not appreciating the things we have while we have them.

Much like I used to hate my mother’s incessant phone calls questioning me about some trivial random event from my past or a inappropriate picture I posted on Instagram. Ninety nine percent of the time I dodged those calls. Now I wish I would have answered everyone of them.

Now she lays alone in a hospital bed, hooked up to a oxygen machine while her family decides what is the next best move. But best for who? For the living or the dying? I’m conflicted.

How did she even catch COVID-19? She has not left the house since Thanksgiving! The same for my father, they have very limited contact with the outside world. Is it now an airborne disease, silently wafting through our windows? I need answers.

I wish the world knew my mother, before the strokes. The mom I knew as a kid, that brief stretch of time between 3 and 10 years old and then sporadically throughout my teen years. Not the mom that always had a lie, or a plan to cover up the lie. Not the mom that shared too many family secrets that a young child’s brain has no idea how to process.

But the mom that that taught me to dance to the beat of my own drum (literally). To never give a damn about anyone’s else opinions. I’ll admit, I used to be embarrassed by this. She used to put on her giant studio headphones (Beats, before Beats was a thing) and just dance her heart away behind home plate in the park I was hanging out with my friends.

Of course they made fun of her, they were teenagers! But as the years passed they got to know and love her and all who cross her path grow quite fond of her. Her light and her spirit are infectious, much like the infection she is fighting now, but the good kind, one touch, one smile and she can run rampant with your heart.

I long for the mother that sewed our Halloween costumes because we were too poor to afford store bought ones, I couldn’t appreciate it then but now, looking back on old photos they were better than any store bought costume because every stitch was made with love, not manufactured by the mass.

You would think by the things I’m writing that my mother did not raise me or we lived in different households and this is true but it wasn’t until later in life. It’s just I didn’t realize until recently that she was a different mom to us all.

Honestly, I’d take any version that I could get right now. Appreciate the people in your life while they are here.

Happy Easter.

Catching up

Catching up

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The week just got away from me. It seems that everyday the pandemic is changing our basic way of being and more. My work schedule has changed once again, and as always I’m glad to be continuing to get a paycheck. My new schedule ( as of yesterday) is basically 6 hours, every other day, but getting paid for the week…bitter sweet.

I’m starting later in the morning, which I really appreciate because the commute is really bad in the morning. The subway cars are very packed and it makes me feel extremely nervous to be in such a close proximity to someone that may be sick. That, plus the streets and subways are getting extremely dangerous.

So far this week I’ve seen fights, someone shooting up drugs on the train platform, someone’s penis and a bum tried to fight my husband….ugh. Thank God it’s Friday, and we can hide from the rest of the world for most of the weekend.

Aside from work being busy and the neighborhood (entire U.S.) going to shit, things haven’t been that great on the family front. Mom hasn’t been feeling well (not COVID-19 related) and no one is able to really check on her. Besides her age, she has suffered 2 strokes and has some other health issues, so visiting her and possibly making her sick is a risk that I’m not willing to take so it’s a no-no for at least now.

Hopefully tomorrow we will have some answers though. One of my sister’s is taking her to see her primary care doctor and I’m praying it is just something as simple as her needing her medications adjusted. All well wishes and prayers would be welcomed and much appreciated.

I’d like to say tomorrow will be a brand new day filled with hopes and dreams and the great outdoors. But it won’t, at least not the great outdoors part. Never lose sight of your hopes and dreams, not even during a pandemic.

Stay safe and be well.

Are we there yet?…

Are we there yet?…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

No! And we will never get there as long as everyone wants to just do whatever they please without a single thought to others. Including their own families.

Today on my way to work, riding a packed train I made an observation. Look at all the idiots. If I sound harsh, I apologize, I truly do not mean to be. Maybe senseless, would be a kinder, gentler word I could use, but I don’t believe it will get the point across.

Tell me, what is the point of wearing latex gloves? To keep your hands clean and safe? Correct. But why bother to wear them if you are going to just touch the pole, then touch your face and then touch your phone and then touch everything in your purse and then touch your phone again. All while wearing a dirty, ripped, clearly reused latex glove. You are the problem. You are cross contamination.

Save the gloves and other protective medical gear for the professionals that really need it or at the very least for those that know how to correctly use and dispose of them. Seriously.

We’re all in this together, but I don’t want to spend one more month locked in the house because people just can’t wash their hands! I’m dying to pay for an over priced drink in the heart of Midtown. But I need for everyone to practice social distancing and simple hand washing.

I’m sorry if anyone is offended. I’m just suffering from cabin fever. On a more serious note. I think at this point we all know someone that knows someone that has contracted Coronavirus or it has hit our homes directly.

Let’s be smart and work together so we can get back to normal. Hope everyone is staying safe.

Single and dating during a pandemic

Single and dating during a pandemic

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Single and dating during a pandemic

Being single and dating under even regular normal everyday circumstances can be nerve wracking and frustrating. So I can imagine it is that much more difficult during a pandemic.

Use this time and think positively. If you are currently on a dating app/website, this time of social distancing can be used to actually getting to know the person. No first date pressure at least for a while, just chatting and actual phone conversations.

If things are going well you can have a virtual first date. You can both set up a time you are available and share a meal over facetime or watch a movie or TV show. Social distancing doesn’t have to mean seclusion and being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.

We can finally get back to real conversations and getting to know each other. I think this is another way we can cut out some of the cat-fishing. I don’t even understand how cat-fishing is a thing nowadays with facetime and video apps. But if you have been a little dishonest about your appearance now is the time you can spruce yourself up a little bit.

But you shouldn’t be dishonest about your appearance or livelihood. The person who you fall in love with should love you for who you really are not who they think you are. I mean do you really want to spend the next pandemic with a-hole? I’d rather tough it out alone.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

New Norms

New Norms

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 2 Comments

Life as we know it is changing. Businesses are at a standstill, a majority of people are working from home which is making the streets eerily empty, but my local grocery store is jam packed with all of our nessecities with the exception of toilet paper and black beans (which are my husband’s favorite)…who knew black beans were an apocalypse must have? Not me, that’s for sure…but maybe that’s why we have a toilet paper shortage?

From the time I left work on Friday with the exception of a quick trip to the supermarket and McDonald’s on Saturday, we snuggled and stayed in the house. I just had to have that McDonald’s and wanted to stock up on some more meat. I was partly afraid to see empty shelves but was more horrified at the prices…really, 12$ for some drumsticks that aren’t even “Perdue”? They should be ashamed of themselves.

Shelter in place. Unfortunately/fortunately I’m not yet bound to this law, as my job still finds me essential. So much so that I have to carry around a note in case I get stopped by the authorities (Yay for income). But unfortunately it means I have to leave my nice warm bed and my husband for a little while which sucks (even though he doesn’t think, I think it sucks).

Shelter in place. I don’t know how to shelter or stay in place. I’m like a little jitterbug constantly moving around, usually flitting from one thing to another like a social butterfly. I thought hard about this, why do I still at 40-something years old still look out the window and pout on rainy days, like a child missing out on a grand birthday party. Or worse, when I can’t seem to make it out on a beautiful sunny day.

I thought long and hard about this, my husband said I’m like a child…he’s almost right. Being confined to the house was most of my childhood. I’ve already done shelter in place. My mother worked two jobs and my father was a hermit. I rarely got outside into the fresh air and bright sunshine. So I guess in a way I should be prepared for this, but I’m not.

But if I’m being honest, if my job gave me a choice I’d stay home, I come to work because I HAVE too. There are many that were not given a choice and many that may not have a job to return to. So I’m very grateful for the chance to still be working.

In the meantime. I’m also very grateful that on most days my husband can accompany me to work, just his presence alone makes me feel safe. I know that there isn’t much that can be done about someone coughing on me, but when he is with me people usually think twice about approaching me or even glancing in my direction.

I know it’s very selfish of me to ask him to take me (especially since we are using public transportation) I know it’s selfish to wake him from a deep sleep, and this is why I’m extremely grateful to have him in my life. I may not be so brave, if I were facing this pandemic alone. I’m so thankful that I’m not.

It seems this will be the new norm for awhile. Please be safe and be well♥️.

Stay safe, be well

Stay safe, be well

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Stay safe, be well. These are now part of my daily salutations. I find I’m saying it to almost everyone I cross paths with. Life is definetley very different now, changing as I type.

As a New Yorker who rides the subway everyday, my biggest fears used to be packed subway cars or the homeless people that might accidentally touch me as they walk by begging for money or worse…getting pushed onto the tracks.

Now as I sit on an almost empty train car, I no longer listen to my music, instead watching and looking at everyone around me for signs of sickness. Listening to see if anyone is coughing and trying to count the feet between us…at least six to be exact. Ready to give an angry glare to anyone that is inconsiderate enough to not cover their mouth.

I work in the “Cross Roads of the World” or better known as Times Square. It’s dead out here. So dead you could probably hear a pin drop, before you used to have to push past bodies to get to your destination but now everyone seems to be maintaining safe social distances and space cushions with the person in front of them. Strange for NYC, land of the gropers.

Is this the new norm or the new norm right now? Will jobs be cut because more business owners will realize that more individuals can work from home and they can save money on office space etc? How does the economy bounce back from this?

Until further notice, I will continue to get up every morning around 5:20 am, put on my makeup and go off to work as if it is just a regular day. My children are safe, as their jobs have both closed until further notice and my youngest is is home because school is closed, at least for now. My husband is home from work for the most part due to the halt in activity outside of people’s homes, which I appreciate because I know he is safe and germ free but I know he is climbing the walls. I wish I could be home with him too.

Stay safe, and be well.

What are the 5 most important things in a relationship?

What are the 5 most important things in a relationship?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 2 Comments

What are the 5 most important things in a relationship?

In order for relationships to work, it takes more than two willing people in love, it takes two willing people in love to put in the hard work it requires. It takes being able to stand by each other through he good as well as the bad.

Honesty: Always be honest with each other. Even if it hurts. Now I’m not saying to just go about doing shitty things to each other, just because you will come clean about it. No, I’m talking about things like if you have been unfaithful explain to the best of your ability why, if you your feelings have changed, then why, If they do something that hurts you, why. But don’t only be honest about the bad things, be honest about everything. The things that make you happy, sad, uncomfortable. The things you feel need to work on, on yourself and or the relationship.

Trust: Trust is essential but can be hard especially if after being honest about infidelity but it is really the only way that the relationship can be salvaged after something like that. Trust can also be hard if you keep dwelling on the past and making your current partner pay for past relationship mistakes. I know I’m guilty of this. I sometimes make my husband pay for things or behaviors that my ex’es may have done or put me through and he the same with me. Also I feel like (well at least for me) that karma is coming for me big time through him. I wasn’t always a good woman and I am afraid that my relationship will fail because I did have a blatant disregard for other’s relationships. But once again if trust is an issue, be honest with your partner as to why.

Communication: Communication is always the key. Now I want everyone to keep in mind, something I’m also learning myself, is that although you may communicate how you feel it may not always render the results you were seeking. For example, it makes me unhappy when my husband does certain things and he knows this. I’ve communicated it to him several times. He in turn communicates to me his reasoning. I get it, it still makes me unhappy but I know that I at least communicated to him my feelings instead of letting it fester inside my brain/heart.

Compromise: In a relationship there is definitely A LOT of compromising going on. I don’t mean it in a bad way. Sometimes it’s over what to eat or what movie to see. It’s sometimes about choosing your battles.

Forgiveness: There is definitely A LOT of forgiveness as well. It’s true, we sometimes hurt the one’s we love. It shouldn’t be that way, but it’s what winds up happening, even if it’s unintentional. H and I have been through some things we have forgiven each other for. Forgiveness is not always a given, it’s a personal decision but it can be a lot to take on. It’s trusting that the other person won’t do it again. It’s placing yourself in a position to be vulnerable. Its also a personal decision only you can decide if you can live with it. Sometimes the only person you need to forgive is yourself.

Relationships take work, unfortunately not everyone is willing to put in the effort. I for one plan to put everything I have into this. Not because I’m afraid of another failed marriage but because I see something in him worth fighting for. I hope he sees the same in me.

What are some of the important things in your relationship? Please feel free to share below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Hey Monday…

Hey Monday…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I realized yesterday (as I was ignoring my family’s Corona-virus group chat) it might be irresponsible of me to not have posted or to at least check in for those that may have noticed my absence during the majority of last week. I’m okay, my husband is okay and our families are okay…thus far. I was just busy with work and lost in my own thoughts.

Unless you live under a rock, you have heard of the corona-virus and all of the chaos it is leaving in it’s wake. At first it was a distant land called China and they tried to blame it on eating bats (I don’t believe it is a bat related virus, but please don’t eat bats). Thousands of people died and it spread to other continents and now it is on our doorstep.

Honestly, it’s like something out of a movie. Coming into work today, it was somber and mostly empty except for the few unfortunate souls like myself that HAVE to come to work (no I am not a government official), although I am definitely not complaining as there are many that are being sent home without pay indefinitely and unsure if they will even have a job to return to.

Last night, I laid in bed unable to sleep. Just thinking about life and how it is about to change for us all. Hand washing shouldn’t be a new trend, but it appears that at least for me handshakes are out. No more night life, no more dining out no more real life socializing only social media socializing and killing our hopes with the media. I’m sorry I recently bitched about having no friends to socialize with. I apologize.

How funny is it, all the things we have taken for granted..like waking up for work with a massive hangover, crowded subway cars with “Showtime” performances, toilet paper. Bread that I really don’t eat and milk that I never drink are being hoarded, not sure if anyone is aware…but those things don’t keep.

Maybe we needed this in order to focus more on our families instead of our phones/jobs/etc. Maybe it’s time to start having old fashioned conversations or pick up a book like in the old days. Maybe it’s time to start praying.

For everyone with the privilege to work from home, don’t get to comfortable, soon it will be time to rejoin society.

For those that have to keep reporting to work like me and my husband, let’s remember to stay safe and keep washing our hands and stay vigilant for those subway coughers.

And for anyone that decided to stockpile and hoard the Purell but isn’t planning on leaving the comforts of their home until this is over…thank you for killing us. (Okay, giving us a very bad flu, but still).

In all seriousness, take care of yourselves, take care of your families.