Tag: Advice

Rejuvenation

Rejuvenation

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It feels like I blinked and my weekend was…poof… gone! For the most part I spent it just watching t.v. in bed, while my husband worked and enjoyed a boys night. Don’t feel sad for me though, my weekend was not without any fun. I did wind up going to my sister’s house for lunch and wedding planning on Sunday, which usually involves a lot of prosecco and a ton laughs.

It was actually a very productive afternoon, she helped me dye my hair and we caught up on family current events. The one thing we didn’t really get to do was…you guessed it, wedding plan lol. But I suppose I have a few more weeks before I need to make any solid decisions regarding the guest list.

This weekend really got me thinking though about how much I really do miss being social and active outside of the house. Unfortunately this usually always happens during the winter months when I tend to hibernate from the cold weather. But since being in a serious relationship and now a married woman I have unintentionally cut ties with a lot of my girlfriends.

I no longer have a neighborhood bar where I get treated like royalty and everyone knows my name. I no longer have painful feet because I danced til dawn on a Saturday night and I no longer have a let’s get drunk at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon squad, and frankly… I miss it.

I didn’t really realize how much until my husband brought it to my attention. I need something to do while he has guys nights, he’s not 80 years old and still enjoys going to clubs etc…but I’m not 80 years old either. The only difference is that while he has been able to maintain his friendships, I have allowed mine to fall to out of touch. I miss my friends dearly but life has taken me on another path.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wanna vomit in a field (not really) and dance til dawn (definitely) and and go day drinking on a Sunday afternoon (💯definitely), but I also wanna build some dreams, make some money. I wanna hang with the girls planning a book club although we never pick a book or actually meet. I want to hang with women who inspire me to do better and have goals of their own.

The only issue with this is that these women are usually much younger than me. Take for example my work daughters, they are inspiring to the core, young and full of energy and dreams. Unfortunately I think women my age (middle) are content with their lives and just accept it is what it is. But I’m not. I’ve always wanted to do more. I’ve always wanted to do everything.

I think that’s part of the reason I feel the strong desire to go back to school and get my degree in social work (that and the sixty thousand dollars I owe on the degree I don’t yet have) or how I try to convince my husband who is interested in going into politics that we need to involve ourselves in community affairs, hand out turkeys etc. It’s ME, I have to do these things, and in doing these things I hope to meet like minded women.

So over the next few weeks I will be researching local organizations and seeing where my heart is being called to and trying to rekindle some old yet valuable friendships and also taking some time to explore my surroundings. My neighborhood is rich with history as well as culture and I love to learn about everything.

So happy belated woman’s Day and here’s to friendships new and old!

Happy Monday.

One Day Later…

One Day Later…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It’s here, once again and although the weekend was a mostly pleasant one (actually a great one, aside from that nasty chore called laundry) I’m really glad its Monday. Why? Because I couldn’t wait to share an epiphany I had this weekend.

My husband decided to take me out on a “date night❤” and although we seem to spend a lot of time together, whether it’s doing chores or snuggling up to watch t.v. (currently we’re re-watching Nip/Tuck) we haven’t really gone out out very often as a couple, alone.

I was very excited thinking about this all last week, he might think it was because I was getting the chance to redeem myself in a pool re-match (we never got to the pool playing part) I was just excited to go out with my husband and for little while just enjoy each other’s company and not worry about bills or budgets.

I always like to be fair, especially when I can, so I paid for dinner at Applebees (Yes, I consider it a date spot) and he paid for the hookah and drinks at the pool hall. Even though the place was crowded we got a seat and were able to actually have a heart to heart talk.

I know it weighs heavily on him sometimes how my last marriage ended. I guess from the outside I appeared as a bored housewife that decided to have an affair but truth be told, I did try for 10 years to make that marriage work and after many years of my pleas of unhappiness falling on deaf ears, did I decide to step outside my marriage for comfort.

He asked me “what would make me cheat on him”? and although it is the absolute furthest thing on my mind I gave him an honest answer.

Firstly, I think people do things they think they can get away with. Although my first husband cheated on me, I don’t believe he would have put up much of a fight if the shoe was on the other foot. And as far as my second husband goes…he didn’t put up much of a fight or show him any emotion when I told him I no longer wanted to be with him 🤷🏻‍♀️. So I ran with it…

Was it wrong? Absolutely 💯 but I knew I could get away with it. With H, I know that I could not…and why would I want to? Right now, all of my needs are being met as I hope his are.

He does occasionally ask questions about my second marriage like what happened and why..and the truth was, I simply was unhappy. But it wasn’t just one time and bam now I’m done…it was years of being unhappy, constantly having to voice my unhappiness with little to no results. Until one day I decided I was going to make myself happy.

Granted, I’ve never been very good with vocally voicing my emotions it’s either angry or accusatory even when I don’t mean to be and usually a result of holding it i for to long. But I’m really trying with H, because I do love him and really do want him to be my forever.

He knows the one major thing that is currently ruffling my feathers and sends me into a angry tirade. Maybe I’m over-reacting but my feelings are my feelings and sometimes they have no rhyme or reason to them.

So what was my epiphany? I had several, but lets start with: don’t ever stop dating your spouse. It’s really easy to lose sight of the person you sleep next to and take them for granted. Even if it is not within your budget, make sure you spend at least one night a week as a “date night”. Date night does not always have to consist of going out, it can be something as simple as giving each other massages or getting a bottle of your favorite bubbly and watching your favorite movies.

The next epiphany I had is so simple but it isn’t…communicate with your partner. I cannot stress this enough you must communicate with your partner, not just about the things that make you unhappy but the things that make you happy too.

The things I took away from my past marriages is that our partners are not mind readers and must be given the fair chance to fight. I say that communicating is not as simple as it because for me it isn’t. Besides hating having my feelings devalued, I just cannot always find the right words to say.

So the message I hope you take away today is, always make time for each other and communicate how you feel.

Good Vibes Only…

Good Vibes Only…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So, my anxiety is peaking again…I know why but I also don’t. It’s also sometimes hard to find that thin line between reality and imagination. Like I said being crazy is hard, but what’s even harder is trying to prove to other people you aren’t.

I’m learning to be able to trust my husband when sharing my anxiety, it’s sometimes hard because although he wants me to share my feelings with him I know it sometimes comes out as an accusation. Sometimes it is one and at other times it isn’t. Sometimes it solely about him and at other times it ‘s not. Unfortunately I’m still having trouble after all these years fine deciphering the mess that are my emotions.

Wednesday, I had for lack of a better word a “premonition”. I was on my way to work and we were on the phone. As I was crossing the street, there wasn’t a car in sight but I had felt a large impact on my right side, as if I was just hit by a car. I told him immediately, because the last time it happened my grandmother was hit by a car a few days after.

I experienced a few days of heightened anxiety due to other things, I kept mostly silent on these matters because I wasn’t really sure where they were originating from. I have been feeling sad and depressed and feeling immense grief lately. I can’t tell you why, because I’m not really sure. Our relationship did hit a few bumps over the weekend but nothing more than the usual bumps we experienced in the past.

But as things always do, things became more clear and I noticed somethings and then the voices of un-reason began to chime in and fill my head with thoughts of dishonestly.

It started with a phone call, a blast from my past decided it would make a brief reappearance. The details of the call aren’t even worth noting the most important thing is I told my husband, pretty much as soon as it happened. Well maybe not told, but texted I needed to tell him something and as soon as I got the chance I did.

Needless to say he was not thrilled and it led to a whole other conversation that bred even more anxiety for me, because sometimes when he is being less than honest his eyes tell on him. Well, they were telling on him big time and as hard as I tried to not listen to that little voice in my head the next day I had to just dig a little for some answers.

The first place I always look for answers is Consciousness Evolution Journey YouTube channel. She is scarily always on point and this time was no different. I don’t feel I can be open about the discovery as of yet. I’m still processing it and the events of the weekend. Desperately trying to find a healthy coping mechanism because my past ones are not healthy at all. But don’t worry, it wan’t life shattering, relationship ending information, but definite conversations that needed to be had.

As always, I never know how to convey what it is I want to say vocally ( I should probably just leave him 12 page letters going forward) so I’m sure it came out all wrong, which is why it ensued into a huge and very loud one sided discussion in the park. All I really wanted to say is “when you do certain things it hurts me”.

These discussions never last long and we soon were on our way home. I still felt raw and inconsolable (actually I still do) but always have to have a brave strong face, so know one ever really understands the pain I am feeling. After awhile of being home he was going to work and seeing his friend but I felt like it was more seeing his friend and may be work. But I didn’t say anything, I know I didn’t really have to. My energy changed and he knows it, but it didn’t stop him. But something else did and while I’m unhappy it occurred at all, I’m happy it when down the way it did.

When he got to the car it was damaged. Someone had it it hard, on the right side making it inoperable. I know he’s upset, that’s the way he makes money, but I want him to see the bigger picture. He could have been in that car and we would be having a whole other conversation. I might be burying my husband instead of watching the car getting towed. I may not fully understand my emotions or premonitions, but I am thankful for the way it turned out.

Here are a few things I came away with this weekend:

Always go with your gut feelings, no matter how far fetched they may be. It’s always better to say how you feel, holding it in only hurts yourself. Keep myself focused and keep finding healthy coping mechanisms to get through situations I can’t change.

Monday’s just about over but I hope everyone had a great one. Monday’s can set the precedent for your week but it shouldn’t. If your Monday wasn’t absolutely amazing, go for a Terrific Tuesday.

Have a good night 🌙.

How content are you with the amount of non-sexual affection in your relationship?

How content are you with the amount of non-sexual affection in your relationship?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

How content are you with the amount of non-sexual affection in your relationship?

Very, although he may not believe it.

I have always told him that I felt like that little crook under his arm (sounds better than saying his armpit) and his chest was made just for me. I fit perfectly in that spot and it feels like that’s exactly where I belong. He might say that my dinosaur head gets heavy, but I don’t care that’s what home feels like for me.

I think I’ve mentioned before that sometimes our sexual desires for each other don’t exactly meet in the middle, but I still always enjoy just spending time with him. Whether it’s just hanging out in the car doing post-mates or just laying in bed watching t.v. Our current favorite t.v. show is old to me but new to him…90210! It’s funny to think that he wasn’t even born when the show first originally aired.

Admittedly, just as with sex and intimacy I want more of his non-sexual affection time as well. Am I selfish yes but not needy…maybe more like wanty. I just love him and being with him clothed or not.

I think the bigger issues will be when we no longer enjoy each other’s company, when we look for more reasons to do activities apart rather than together. I mean we still are newlyweds, and I for one love being in his presence…let’s revisit this is six months.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Muesday…

Muesday…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyone always asks…WTF is a Muesday? Well, it’s a Monday that’s cleverly disguised itself as a Tuesday. I hate Muesday’s I always feel like I’m a day behind.

But here we are unable to avoid it. I realized I have posted in about a week and besides being inundated with work and life in general, I really have no good excuse. So let’s catch up.

Last week flew by for me. My husband’s birthday plus Valentine’s day ( Yes, he is a V-day baby) was fast approaching and while I had all of the details worked out (his gift, the restaurant, inviting my mother-in-law) I sill had A LOT going on emotionally.

I prepared “Great Heart❤” boxes for our perspective children and tried to find last minute goodies and treats for them and make sure they were all equal (even made one his children’s step sister from a previous relationship). I know he dislikes when I do that, but my heart is not designed to disappoint any child.

Two years ago during V-day week we were going through a very hard and painful time (currently working on a post dedicated that) and the memories although for the most part almost escaped us this year, they of course resurfaced as memories do.But in an effort to create new memories and new beginnings and adventures we didn’t harp to much on it.

Part of the new beginnings was spending time with his mother on V-day/his birthday. It for the most part went off without a hitch. Did I feel nervous? Extremely. She was tolerant of me, I’m guessing because she knew the only way she would get to see him was if I was present. I can admit it now, I was afraid it would wind up being two hours of them talking among themselves and leaving me out of the conversation.

But No, my husband was an absolute angel. He sat next to me and made sure to include me in every conversation. She wasn’t cold to me and she eventually stopped sitting with her arms across her chest in defensive mode. Will we be the best of friends? Probably not, but we both love the same man (obviously very differently) and must learn to co-exist.

Now, onto the big question….did we or didn’t we…go to do that thing??? Yes, we did and I don’t know what I really expected but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be? I hate to mention what it was because I feel like the whole world becomes judgmental if you do something outside of the norm, but here it goes…

It was a swinger’s club. Now, we don’t swing and we don’t swap (not that there is anything wrong with it, it’s just not for me) but I guess for me it was out of curiosity. The best way I could describe it was like, Live Action Porn… a Porn Play…with audience participation. It was like a club, but instead of music videos playing on the T.v.s porn was playing.

No, no one by any means is required to participate, some like us just go for the atmosphere and the curiosity. I have to say aside from biggest fear, which was my husband wanting to put his🍆 in someone else (I would have cut off said🍆) . I thought all the women would look like the flyer. You know, how clubs always find the most beautiful people to advertise their events (which is smart) but it makes regular people like me feel like eh (a sack of potatoes). But this wasn’t the case at all.

There were different people of all shapes and sizes and everyone seemed very relaxed and probably friendly if my guard wasn’t so high. Did the night end well? For the most part, we went, we saw, and will probably return. Is this for everyone? Definitely not.

My message for this Muesday…Don’t be afraid to try new things. Whether it’s your relationship or career etc. It’s better to have lived than to live with regrets of not trying something new. Unless of course you are afraid of heights, so my love, my darling husband, this was my version of skydiving, please make sure you catch me.

Go be great!

How well does your partner understand what you’re feeling?

How well does your partner understand what you’re feeling?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

How well does your partner understand what you’re feeling?

I think he has a pretty good understanding of what I’m feeling, and what he doesn’t understand he is learning as we encounter situations.

He can just look at me and know when something is wrong. Sometimes as hard as I try to hide it, he always just knows. He would probably describe it as pulling teeth in order to get it out of me but sometimes I simply don’t know what it is I’m feeling.

When I can finally vocalize what it is that I’m going through he always seems understanding, at least now he does. Obviously in the beginning, when you are just learning about each others behaviors, habits and quirks he sometimes did become short with me when I was unable to express how I was feeling. Now I think he understands that sometimes there are no words and it will pass.

Now when he asks me what’s wrong and I know what I’m feeling I usually just prattle away about it…when I can. Except for last night, a Facebook video set me off and then came the waterworks. Here’s the video so we can all cry together, it’s about diversity. Just watch it.

So how well does he understand what I’m feeling? I guess just about as much as I do…being crazy is hard.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

Monday Feels…

Monday Feels…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I had a really amazing weekend. Saturday was just your regular lazy day. We slept ALL DAY! Then he went to work for a little bit and made it home just in time to watch the season finale of our favorite show…”Power”.

It’s a great show, but I feel like the ending was highly disappointing and predictable. I do have to say though, I have never seen a show generate this much “water cooler” talk on a Monday morning.

Yesterday is what made my weekend though. We went to Chinatown to celebrate Chinese New Year. I’ve been to many Chinese New Year parades, but my husband has never been to one so I was excited to have the opportunity to bring him to one, but the icing on the cake was that my daughter was up to joining us.

She’s 15, and like most 15 year olds would rather spend time with her friends. Which is totally understandable. I was once 15, thirty three year moons ago. So I felt honored she wanted to come.

It was also the first time she would be spending time with me and her stepdad outside of a family function. Usually family functions there is a lot going on and many buffers to diffuse any anxiety anyone may be feeling, but yesterday it was only the three of us or better known as them vs me😑lol.

The weather started out beautiful, it was a comfortable winter day for a parade.We found parking fairly quickly considering the area (even though we had a bit of a hike to the parade route). The sun was shining and the crowds were not that bad this year (honestly probably due to the corona virus scare) but it made for a comfortable viewing experience.

We were able to get a spot right in front of our favorite Chinese restaurant, so once they had enough parade we just went in to have lunch. Good timing too, because within 20 minutes of us entering the restaurant a line began to form. If you are ever in the area I would definitely suggest stopping into Wo Hop, 17 Mott St New York, NY 10013. I have waited on the line to get into this place for 2 1/2 hours. The restaurant is open 24 hours a day which is a super plus for the midnight munchers. Don’t tell them I sent you…they have no idea who I am.

Last night I became so overwhelmed with emotions rethinking the events of the day. I’m so glad that I got to spend that precious and valuable time with both my husband and my daughter. I was a little worried only because I know how he views “stepchildren” which is not to say is a bad thing, just very different from my views.

But as he always does, maybe without even knowing it, he came through for me and made me feel like a superstar for her. Not only was he able to pick her up and bring her home and he inadvertently helped me to buy her the dragon puppet she really wanted but by just his being present showed me he cared enough to spend the day with us and get to know her.

Maybe I’m making too much out of it, but I know him. He usually chooses making money over everything. And while he would love going to the parade there is always next year…So thank you my love for taking the time for us….

I always say Monday’s are for fresh starts…and I truly believe that yesterday was just that…a fresh start and a new beginning. Also, my husband shared some news with me this morning, that would be another fresh start for us. I hope to share the news with you all soon.

Have a wonderful Monday!

What do you think about cohabitation before marriage?

What do you think about cohabitation before marriage?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

What do you think about cohabitation before marriage?

Years ago, when my children were younger, it would have been a hard NO from me. But times have changed and so have I so now I honestly believe it’s a must.

Having been in several serious relationships throughout my adult life and being married three times, I know firsthand that living with someone else is challenging at the very least and requires a lot of patience.

So I’d like to think of living together as a practice run and in this day and age it isn’t frowned upon as it was when I was younger. And it’s okay if couples never marry, not everyone needs to get married. It isn’t for everyone.

But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t move onto the next level in the relationship. There are many joys to living with someone. For me, it is getting to sleep next to H every night. I love it, even when we are having a disagreement, just having him next me is the best feeling in the world.

Another bonus is having someone to share the bills with. I’m not saying two people should move in together solely to share bills but having a partner that can help can ease the burden. But do be mindful of being able to take on the expense on your own.

It was a big thing for me to not really ask H to contribute to rent before we were married, I wanted to always be sure I could afford the expense on my own. Now is a different story, we both contribute equally. Could things still go south? Sure they could, while marriage is a big commitment there is really no magic glue that holds a couple together. It takes time, commitment, communication, honesty, trust and the determination of both partners to want to work through it.

So yea, I think living together is a good thing, as long as both partners are willing to put in the effort it takes to make a house into a home.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

If you could change anything about your past what would it be?

If you could change anything about your past what would it be?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

If you could change anything about your past what would it be?

I don’t know if there is anything I would change, I feel that most if not all of my experiences have made me the woman I am today.

I’m a mostly strong, mostly confident woman, that may have had some struggles but am also smart enough to always learn something from every situation and see my way out of them. Sometimes with the help of others but often on my own.

Why do I say I’m mostly strong & confident? Because I’m being honest. There are some days when I do struggle to get out of bed and get moving and I have to give myself major pep-talks. Actually it seems I have to give myself major pep-talks everyday lately.

But I guess if I had to change one thing it would probably be; I’d go back into time and prevent my self from being sexually assaulted. Raped to be exact.

I would not have gotten back with my ex, I would not have gone to his friends house and if even if I couldn’t change the predestined course of the act I would have made sure I reported it so I would not have to live with the shame and the guilt in silence for so many years.

But even through this horrible act I came out stronger. Yes, some of my coping mechanisms were unhealthy and dangerous, but I found temporary relief in taking back my body

So yea, that’d be the one thing I’d change. But I wouldn’t want to change me. I love myself even on my worst days, and that’s one thing I’d never want to change.

*One day, I’ll write more about this, in the hopes I might be able to help someone else.

What would you do differently and why? Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

If you’d like my opinion on a certain situation or to have your questions answered you can submit your request to:

WWjai.do@yahoo.com

How about that halftime show…

How about that halftime show…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Here’s a little motivation for your Monday!

First I’d like to congratulate anyone whose team played in last night’s Superbowl and to the teams themselves and a huge special congrats to the winning team “The Kansas City Chiefs”, who have not won a Superbowl in 50 years…that gives me hope for my “NY Jets”!

I myself didn’t really watch the game, I turned it on during the second quarter and caught the halftime show. Big shout out to “Shakira” & “Jennifer Lopez” they make middle age look amazing and now I want to hit the gym and look that amazing for my big 5-0 in two and half years!

Here’s what I don’t understand and maybe someone can enlighten me? What is all the noise surrounding these two amazing women’s performance. I’ve spent the better part of my morning, pouring over angry Facebook responses on some of my friends post regarding their being half-naked during their performance…did you expect them to wear snowsuits? From what I gather people are angry because they feel like it promotes indecent sexual behavior in children?

I don’t hear anyone complaining about the player’s tight pants, big muscles and highly deceptive😱 athletic supporters they wear…and never mind the all the butt slapping and crotch grabbing (gasp, for shame😰).

My point is in both cases they are dressed for our entertainment, if nudity makes you uncomfortable maybe don’t watch the halftime show exit the room and fix yourself a snack…it was not the first time that “lewdness” was displayed during the show. Did we all forget nipplegate 2004 and 2019?

I’ll admit, I was just a teeny tiny, tad bit annoyed that my husband tried to take a peek through the T.V., up Shakira’s skirt. Acting more like a prepubescent boy than a grown man and yes I might have wanted to kick him through a wall lol. But I didn’t., because I am a grownup lol.

However it actually inspired me to want to take better care of my body (maybe not today though as I feel under the weather). I may never have the perfect bodies these women possess, but I can have the best body I can have. It’s funny, my husband asked me if I wanted to go to the gym today and I said YES! Now ask me tomorrow if we ever made it (because this under the weather thing got me feeling 🤢).

These performers (the players and the singers) work really hard on their bodies and their craft and we have to remember they are entertainers. There are much bigger things to worry about than who swung on a pole or stuck their tongue out.

God Bless America and our right to even do these things…too political? Anyway, I hope that I’ve inspired you to have a great Monday…even if it is half over.