Tag: Depression

Miss You Much 💔

Miss You Much 💔

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

I thought that by writing this at work I could avoid the waterfall of tears that are sure to come. I was wrong. It has been a whole year since you left this earth and the pain of your departure has not lessened.

You have missed so much and yet it feels like time has stood still for all of us. I can still hear your footsteps and laughter in the apartment and see your beautiful smile every time I close my eyes.

The weather today is the perfect reflection of how I feel. It is pouring outside, a gray and stormy day, just like inside my heart and head. No comfort for me today, I have to be strong at work. Just like I know the many days you you went in but often cried in the bathroom.

I wish you were here mom and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what you would do if you were in my shoes. I still need advice I still need my mom. I know that I acted like I knew it all, I was just trying to be strong…I guess to prepare myself for the day you were no longer here. It didn’t work.

I know you watch over us though and that does bring me great comfort. I feel you in this room, the room you spent much of the last days of your life. The home where you brought the family together.

H and I are getting ready to embark on the next part of our journey, a place to call our very own. I just hope that I can take the memory of you with me. I know that you would be so happy for me. I just wish you were here to visit me.

They say that everything happens for a reason but I will never understand why you were taken so soon. God must have needed you for something big.

So for now, I’m going to wipe my tears and woman up and be strong like I know you would. Thank you mom for making me the woman I am today. Please don’t stop guiding me in the right direction. I may not always pick the path you would but the destination is always the same.

Sleep in peace my beautiful mother, rest easy knowing that we are all okay. Your beautiful new grand baby and all your future grands will know of you and the remarkable and incredible woman you were.

I love you and miss you much.

~J

One Year Later

One Year Later

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Can you believe it? It has been one year since all of our lives have been changed forever. Whether you’ve lost someone to Covid or not, you can’t tell me your life has not been changed in some way.

For some it may have been their favorite restaurant closing their doors or having to retake elementary courses in order to home school their children or having their freedom taken away when the executive order for a curfew was set in place.

Perhaps you had to wait on long lines to buy groceries or got into fist fights over toilet paper or had your income reduced because they reduced your hours at work…reducing your paitence with life.

For many it would be losing a loved one. We have all lost someone to Covid. Whether it was an immediate family member or old college roomate. It has touched everyone.

For me Covid would come in the form of one of life’s greatest losses a person can have, I lost my mother. I know that the death of a parent is supposed to be part of the natrual order of life but it was so sudden, without any warnings. One day we are planning her anniversary dinner at her favorite Chinese restaurant and the next we are saying our last goodbyes.

At first we were witnessing this nightmare happen to people on the other side of the world, here; she was being treated for a UTI and then she was just gone. How did this happen? It was so swift and unexpected and her death left alot of things unsaid. It left a deafening silence on my heart and a vulnerability I’m not used to.

2020 was like something out of a B scifi movie (B is for BAD), we had everything from a killer virus to murder hornets to riots and race wars and monstorus storms….oh my.

Being quarantined tested humanity, tested our patience and tested my marriage. But we all made it through.

The buses were free, which I was grateful for because an already scary subway system became even more so when the homeless took over. City streets once full of tourist life were now empty and it was eerily quiet. Now there is more activity in the streets but will it ever be the once thriving city it once was?

When it finally got warm and outdoor activities became available I spent a lot of time alone at the beach to reflect. Nothing like crying into your beer on the sand. Outdoor dining became an everywhere thing, not just swanky parts of Manhattan but even in lil ole Queens. It was great, finally a way to socialize and at least get out of the house and interact with other humans again.

But life for all of us as moved forward. The holiday’s came and went without a hitch. Obviously there was a big gap in our hearts because it was the first without mom but as a family we got through it together. Stronger I think.

For some, being quarrantined was creating a new life that will be born into the family with renewed hope and faith. Sadness takes over when I think about mom not being here to hold a new grandchild but I know she’s watching over our newest family member.

In January, my husband and I got the VID and I was sick for three weeks (him for only 2 days). It figures, that I would go almost the whole pandemic and get sick right when they began distributing vaccines. We made it through though.

While life for the general public seemed to be regaining some normalcy my private life was slowly falling apart. Nothing to scandalus but enough to make me question everything from life to love. Having just lost my mother, not being able to see my kids for Mother’s Day or my birthday. My birthday going from being the best day ever to a royal rumble.

From having my husband by my side 24/7 to him barely here. June, July and August were really dificult adjustment periods for me. So much that I even “ran away” from home. I remember the turning point, he picked me up from the beach and we got into a huge fight because I had to pee. He wasn’t the same after that. Not for awhile anyway.

I do feel robbed of time though. We were newly married right before the world fell apart. A time we should have been discovering life as husband and wife we were now confined to the house.

When we should have been celebrating life we were mourning mom. When we should have been starting on our own journey, we were called home to family.

I’ve no regrets I only wish my mom could have been here for it all and I could have kept my promise.

My husband has a famous saying… “feelings aren’t facts. But the fact is that my feelings were very much hurt and I still occasionally deal with the repercussions, especially when the wounds are reopened with fresh claws by old cats. It’s hard to heal though when there is still much going on in the world that is more important than me.

The world has been through enough this year. I know that I certainly have. Not sure how much more I can take either. Good thing is I had Covid so I don’t need the vaccine right away. Bad thing is I had Covid and I’m not sure how this will affect me down the road, no one is. Good thing is that I’m resilient and strong bad thing is I’m fragile and weak. It’s like a wait and see type of game.

But that’s life, there are no guarantees on anything.

So let’s wait and see…

Buy The Flowers

Buy The Flowers

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 1 Comment

Yesterday while I was out shopping I tried to find some more artificial purple roses for my mom. I usually buy them when I see them and then instead of giving them to her myself, I just give then to my dad so that he may gently arrange them on her grave.

I don’t ever recall him bringing her flowers so I’m pretty sure she is watching from Heaven pretty amused and if I’m being quite honest, I don’t think I did either. I never even really paid attention to the color purple. Now when I see a Purple rose/flower I HAVE to buy it…for dad of course.

What is it about death that deserves flowers? How come we don’t fill our loved ones arms with flowers while they are alive to enjoy them? Miss Anne Frank has answered this best.

 ‘Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.’

~Anne Frank

Last night I asked H for some fresh flowers for my new vase, I wasn’t fishing but it did remind me of an argument we had a couple of weeks ago right after I bought the vase.

I asked him for fresh flowers to fill it, a few days went by and it still remained empty. So without thinking I bought myself a bouquet of artificial white roses. I didn’t mean it as a sign of impatience with him I just hated seeing the vase empty. And fresh flowers can be expensive, so I just wanted the artificial roses on hand for times we can’t afford them.

I can hear him now…”Babe, I will always be able to afford to buy you flowers!” He absolutely hates when I talk about money or rather when I don’t talk about money. He hates that I don’t ask for financial help until I’m on my last quarter. I hate that I asked for flowers.

Not because I don’t think I deserve them, not because I don’t think he will get them but because given the current climate, it seems like such a trivial thing to ask for. But what if mom would have asked for purple roses…would I have run out to buy them as I do now? I don’t think so. Because flowers are for the dead and regret is stronger than gratitude and I always learn the lesson after it’s been taught.

Buy the flowers, don’t wait for special occasions to wear that special dress, don’t wait to learn the meaning of regret. Practice gratitude so that when the time comes you will have no regrets. Live, Love, and live and love some more.

This was short but I hope sweet.

Jai

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

Manic Monday (Two weeks later).

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I woke up today and for that I want to say thank you. My life has been a complete mess lately and I know I have began to lose sight of all the little things we take for granted. Like waking up, like having a soft pillow to lay my head on and everything in between.

I’ve even taken Monday’s for granted, not everyone will be blessed to make it to next Monday. So for all of us that have made it to this one…cheers to you and I. Life is too short, repeat after me…LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

It’s become sort of a mantra lately, whenever I become upset with a person or a situation or anything actually, I quietly remind myself that life is too short to be unhappy and I have the power to change it. Being unhappy is a choice not a given, so why choose it.

I started to draft this two Monday’s ago but was unable to complete it due to events that happened when I got home.

Two weeks ago, my dad decided he wanted to end it all, fortunately his attempt was unsuccessful. But it really got me thinking how suicide is truly a selfish act. It leaves behind your loved ones wondering if there was anything they could do to stop you. And the honest truth is for someone that truly wants to end their life there is nothing that will stop them, only they can stop themselves. I know, I have been in that position more than once in my life.

It isn’t fair to to the family, we all have lives too. Some of us live there, some are near and some are across the country. We are not trained professionals, we should not be held accountable for someone else’s actions, and no one should aim to blame anyone if he did manage to do it. I know this coming from the other side of the pill bottle. I was a selfish teen/young woman and while my reasons may have seemed valid, they were most definitely NOT.

I…am still after all these years seeking my father’s approval. Which is why I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Every time I have to speak with him regarding his behavior, the loud music, the outbursts (wait, who is the parent here?) it just gets worse for me.

Yeah, the tantrum only lasts for a few hours , maybe a day but it’s added stress until the eventual tugging of the ear and the “I’m sorry honey” which signals that he is no longer angry with me, which brings relief because all I ever wanted was to be genuinely loved.

Childhood, it most certainly leaves it’s mark and molds us into the adults we become. Most day’s I’m very proud of the woman that stares back at me in the mirror, but lately I’m wondering who she is.

I spend an awful amount of time crying and feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people. Granted, I just lost my mother, my marriage feels like it’s falling apart right now and my dad is slowly losing his grip. It’s a wonder how I’m not self medicating with anything harder than wine and hard seltzer…oh yea, it’s because I can’t afford it.

My heart is in a constant state of panic. I feel things I cannot see and it is a constant tug of war between reality and intuition, between feeling alive and feeling dead inside, between wanting to know and not knowing.

I feel like the answers I need are staring right at me but I’m too afraid to really see them, because what happens if I receive the answers I’m dreading , what will I do then? Will I be strong enough to do what’s best for me? I always have💜. The problem is I’m broken right now, still trying to heal from my mother’s untimely death, still trying to figure out this marriage thing (just because it’s my third doesn’t mean I’m an expert) and still trying to adjust to the changes with life in general.

I will always be thankful, that’s how I was raised to be. Thankful for every part of my life up til this point. For every lesson, for every love, for every lie. Thankful for every stone thrown my way because I have stacked them so high and used them to reach things not meant for me, I’ve used them to build walls to protect myself and throw them back when necessary.

Thankful for all the people that stood by me and cheered me on and especially thankful for those who thought I’d never be anything but a pretty face. Jokes on you.

Thankful for H, it’s been a struggle so far but we haven’t given up on each other. Not that we both have not created some pretty serious waves but we’re still staying afloat (see babe, you can swim 🏊🏾‍♂️).

Thankful that once again we have reached another Monday. Cheers to you and I🥂.

What would mom do?

What would mom do?

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyday I lay in the same spot you did wondering how many days and nights you stared up at the ceiling or out the window wishing your mother was here to guide you. I wish you were here.

I’m an emotional mess these days, but I don’t have to tell you that, you can see everything. I know you see periods of me forgetting to eat or softening my pain with alcohol. Taking sleeping pills that don’t work to fall into a sleep that never comes. Sleep I so desperately need to fill the gaps of loneliness and uncertainty that never seemed to close.

If you knew everything that you knew when you died…would you still have done it all the exact same way? I believe I would but with exceptions, I would not have stayed in such terrible relationships for as long as I did, accepting so little of what I deserved. Maybe I would have found love sooner and not have wasted what was the last of my precious childbearing years.

School, I would have definitely finished school and gotten my degree in social work. I probably still would not be living in a penthouse but I may be in a more comfortable financial situation than I am now. BTW, do you remember why I told you I wanted to live in a penthouse? It was because dad is afraid of heights and I could hide from him there. Look at me now.

I don’t mean to sound sad, but I am. My life is different now and I’m not sure I have the strength for anymore change. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and nothing, not any relationship, friendship nor any job on earth will top the the loss of my mother, not a one. And just because it is natural order, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Actually, the loss of one of my children would be worse and that is something I hope I never have to live through fore I would cut out my own beating heart just to give it to them.

How did you do it? Daily life, juggling everything that was important to you and everything that your family needed? Did you ever have a hard time asking for the things you needed? Did you ever want to run away? I did…I have and it was the hardest decision I made in my relationship with H.

I didn’t even really mean to run away, it all happened so fast that it actually felt like it was a dream, swiftly yet I moved in slow motion as my heart raced, wondering if I made the right decision. Was it worth it? I dunno, a lot could have transpired over the 48 hours we were apart and although I did not get the result I had hoped for I did get sometime to do some soul searching.

I felt brave and strong and yes scared. But there was an unbelievable calmness that came over me as I examined my life from all angles.

No couple is perfect, we’re no exception. I’m trying to find my voice and speak up for what I want before it becomes what I wanted. The problem with speaking up is what happens if I don’t receive the answers I hoped for?

I’m trying to not let my anxiety dictate my fears over facts but I feel like I’m losing my grasp. I’m incredibly broken right now.

Do I believe we’re soulmates? Yes, but somewhere along the way we got disconnected from each other. Can we get back to the place we once were? I’m hopeful.

The problem with relationships is that if you speak with your family and friends they form well meaning intentions and ill feelings towards your SO. Once the dust settles and you decide to work things out they seem to be less forgiving. So I’m suffering in silence.

I’ve been relying a lot on prayers and readings these days and I’m thisshy from seeking professional help. So please my dear sweet mother, who had a heart of gold and was the Queen of forgiveness, the woman who saw the goodness in everyone…what would you do?

*If any of my friends or family are reading this, we’re okay. Just trying to figure some things out and get back to the place we once were.

More time

More time

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Facebook has been reminding me that six years ago around this time we were celebrating Easter 🐣.

I looked through that album and not one picture with my mother. In all the photos she was either sitting in the background, talking to one of her grandkids or quietly sitting by herself 😔.

I’m trying really hard to remember this day and aside from the photos I don’t remember much. Only that it was probably like any other family function, where we all congregated in the kitchen getting drunk while my mother sat quietly in the corner, alone. My siblings always engaged her in conversation. I usually never did.

I didn’t mean to ignore her, I just thought I had more time. More time to take photos with her, more time to build memories, more time to show her I loved her.

It wasn’t until my husband entered my life that I began to see my parents more and for that I will always be grateful 💜. Grateful for the memories I might not have if it wasn’t for him.

I just wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid. I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. I wish that I was able to go back in time. I also wish I can remember this feeling of regret so that I don’t repeat my past mistake which is also my greatest regret.

I love you mom 💜 and I miss you.

Dancing Forever

Dancing Forever

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Yesterday I lost my mother due to complications from Covid-19. I. Am. Broken.

She was the best person I knew. Of course she had faults, family secrets hidden behind her dark purple almost black lipstick. But she was still my mother and I should have treated her as such.

I have a jazillion stories I want to share, but I can’t see through my tears right now. I can’t unfeel this heartbreak, I can’t go back in time.

I was proud of you and honored you were my mother even though I may have never showed it. Even when I may have seemed pissed to be burdened with your decisions.

You raised six kids basically on your own, worked multiple jobs, all while trying to make sure we had a wonderfully rich cultural childhood. I still remember the Cambodian protest you took me to when I was ten.

Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet reached my goal (living in a penthouse high above the city), even though it may seem as I could never settle down in life and even though I do not follow you in Christ.

I believe in Heaven and I’m comforted you are there. I hope that you are dancing to your hearts content without any of the pains the strokes have caused you. I pray you are looking down on all your children and their SO’s, grandchildren and spouse (my dad, but that’s what she called him lol). Watching how are hearts ache from the giant hole that was created when you left us.

You were right. I’d be sorry when you were gone. I love you mom 💜. Please forgive me💔.

#FuckCovid-19

#FuckCovid-19

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Right now I should be elbow deep in hollow Easter eggs, tediously trying to fill them with candy the kids probably won’t even eat. I hate these plastic eggs, you get like 3 candies inside and then some how during the night the Easter bunny must come along and open them spilling their candy guts all over the basket. Back to step one.

Funny how I used to hate it but now I miss it and long for those stupid plastic easter eggs. I guess that’s how life is. Not appreciating the things we have while we have them.

Much like I used to hate my mother’s incessant phone calls questioning me about some trivial random event from my past or a inappropriate picture I posted on Instagram. Ninety nine percent of the time I dodged those calls. Now I wish I would have answered everyone of them.

Now she lays alone in a hospital bed, hooked up to a oxygen machine while her family decides what is the next best move. But best for who? For the living or the dying? I’m conflicted.

How did she even catch COVID-19? She has not left the house since Thanksgiving! The same for my father, they have very limited contact with the outside world. Is it now an airborne disease, silently wafting through our windows? I need answers.

I wish the world knew my mother, before the strokes. The mom I knew as a kid, that brief stretch of time between 3 and 10 years old and then sporadically throughout my teen years. Not the mom that always had a lie, or a plan to cover up the lie. Not the mom that shared too many family secrets that a young child’s brain has no idea how to process.

But the mom that that taught me to dance to the beat of my own drum (literally). To never give a damn about anyone’s else opinions. I’ll admit, I used to be embarrassed by this. She used to put on her giant studio headphones (Beats, before Beats was a thing) and just dance her heart away behind home plate in the park I was hanging out with my friends.

Of course they made fun of her, they were teenagers! But as the years passed they got to know and love her and all who cross her path grow quite fond of her. Her light and her spirit are infectious, much like the infection she is fighting now, but the good kind, one touch, one smile and she can run rampant with your heart.

I long for the mother that sewed our Halloween costumes because we were too poor to afford store bought ones, I couldn’t appreciate it then but now, looking back on old photos they were better than any store bought costume because every stitch was made with love, not manufactured by the mass.

You would think by the things I’m writing that my mother did not raise me or we lived in different households and this is true but it wasn’t until later in life. It’s just I didn’t realize until recently that she was a different mom to us all.

Honestly, I’d take any version that I could get right now. Appreciate the people in your life while they are here.

Happy Easter.

Are we there yet?…

Are we there yet?…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

No! And we will never get there as long as everyone wants to just do whatever they please without a single thought to others. Including their own families.

Today on my way to work, riding a packed train I made an observation. Look at all the idiots. If I sound harsh, I apologize, I truly do not mean to be. Maybe senseless, would be a kinder, gentler word I could use, but I don’t believe it will get the point across.

Tell me, what is the point of wearing latex gloves? To keep your hands clean and safe? Correct. But why bother to wear them if you are going to just touch the pole, then touch your face and then touch your phone and then touch everything in your purse and then touch your phone again. All while wearing a dirty, ripped, clearly reused latex glove. You are the problem. You are cross contamination.

Save the gloves and other protective medical gear for the professionals that really need it or at the very least for those that know how to correctly use and dispose of them. Seriously.

We’re all in this together, but I don’t want to spend one more month locked in the house because people just can’t wash their hands! I’m dying to pay for an over priced drink in the heart of Midtown. But I need for everyone to practice social distancing and simple hand washing.

I’m sorry if anyone is offended. I’m just suffering from cabin fever. On a more serious note. I think at this point we all know someone that knows someone that has contracted Coronavirus or it has hit our homes directly.

Let’s be smart and work together so we can get back to normal. Hope everyone is staying safe.

Good Vibes Only…

Good Vibes Only…

by Queen Pea👸🏻 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So, my anxiety is peaking again…I know why but I also don’t. It’s also sometimes hard to find that thin line between reality and imagination. Like I said being crazy is hard, but what’s even harder is trying to prove to other people you aren’t.

I’m learning to be able to trust my husband when sharing my anxiety, it’s sometimes hard because although he wants me to share my feelings with him I know it sometimes comes out as an accusation. Sometimes it is one and at other times it isn’t. Sometimes it solely about him and at other times it ‘s not. Unfortunately I’m still having trouble after all these years fine deciphering the mess that are my emotions.

Wednesday, I had for lack of a better word a “premonition”. I was on my way to work and we were on the phone. As I was crossing the street, there wasn’t a car in sight but I had felt a large impact on my right side, as if I was just hit by a car. I told him immediately, because the last time it happened my grandmother was hit by a car a few days after.

I experienced a few days of heightened anxiety due to other things, I kept mostly silent on these matters because I wasn’t really sure where they were originating from. I have been feeling sad and depressed and feeling immense grief lately. I can’t tell you why, because I’m not really sure. Our relationship did hit a few bumps over the weekend but nothing more than the usual bumps we experienced in the past.

But as things always do, things became more clear and I noticed somethings and then the voices of un-reason began to chime in and fill my head with thoughts of dishonestly.

It started with a phone call, a blast from my past decided it would make a brief reappearance. The details of the call aren’t even worth noting the most important thing is I told my husband, pretty much as soon as it happened. Well maybe not told, but texted I needed to tell him something and as soon as I got the chance I did.

Needless to say he was not thrilled and it led to a whole other conversation that bred even more anxiety for me, because sometimes when he is being less than honest his eyes tell on him. Well, they were telling on him big time and as hard as I tried to not listen to that little voice in my head the next day I had to just dig a little for some answers.

The first place I always look for answers is Consciousness Evolution Journey YouTube channel. She is scarily always on point and this time was no different. I don’t feel I can be open about the discovery as of yet. I’m still processing it and the events of the weekend. Desperately trying to find a healthy coping mechanism because my past ones are not healthy at all. But don’t worry, it wan’t life shattering, relationship ending information, but definite conversations that needed to be had.

As always, I never know how to convey what it is I want to say vocally ( I should probably just leave him 12 page letters going forward) so I’m sure it came out all wrong, which is why it ensued into a huge and very loud one sided discussion in the park. All I really wanted to say is “when you do certain things it hurts me”.

These discussions never last long and we soon were on our way home. I still felt raw and inconsolable (actually I still do) but always have to have a brave strong face, so know one ever really understands the pain I am feeling. After awhile of being home he was going to work and seeing his friend but I felt like it was more seeing his friend and may be work. But I didn’t say anything, I know I didn’t really have to. My energy changed and he knows it, but it didn’t stop him. But something else did and while I’m unhappy it occurred at all, I’m happy it when down the way it did.

When he got to the car it was damaged. Someone had it it hard, on the right side making it inoperable. I know he’s upset, that’s the way he makes money, but I want him to see the bigger picture. He could have been in that car and we would be having a whole other conversation. I might be burying my husband instead of watching the car getting towed. I may not fully understand my emotions or premonitions, but I am thankful for the way it turned out.

Here are a few things I came away with this weekend:

Always go with your gut feelings, no matter how far fetched they may be. It’s always better to say how you feel, holding it in only hurts yourself. Keep myself focused and keep finding healthy coping mechanisms to get through situations I can’t change.

Monday’s just about over but I hope everyone had a great one. Monday’s can set the precedent for your week but it shouldn’t. If your Monday wasn’t absolutely amazing, go for a Terrific Tuesday.

Have a good night 🌙.